The Strange Rituals Of St Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day and the Mating Rituals of Homo Sapiens:
Extract taken from the doctoral thesis of Aniye Seesxt and Maari Gerrdu, Department of Comparative Interplanetary Anthropology, University of Plaxtingyn, Cycle 538657

Of all the rituals of the species Homo Sapiens, none appears stranger to Rigellians than the human mating dance. Dr Elyoi Zanzooh’s seminal study, completed in 534457, uncovered six key stages in the human reproductive cycle – dating, kissing, fondling, sex, marriage and breeding. Although these stages do not necessarily occur in a linear progression, Zanzooh found that all six were present in the vast majority of human couplings.

As the scholar Hxiom noted: “The human race, while still primitive, is unique in the way social patterns shift over the course of relatively short periods of time.” The Hxiom Axiom suggests a generational shift occurs approximately every seventy Rigellian cycles or ten Earth years.

As such, undertaking our field trip to the planet Earth in Cycle 538657 we posited that significant changes may have taken place in the human mating ritual between Earth Years 1950 and 2010.
This indeed proved to be the case. Surprisingly, we found that modern humans undertake many aspects of the mating ritual without ever intending to breed! In fact, male-female, male-male and female-female pairs regularly participate in the first four stages without proceeding to the final two. Since Zanzooh’s study, human science has advanced, and a number of contraceptive methods are employed by humans to ensure that breeding is prevented.

Information gleaned from the human data exchange (known as the ‘internet’) suggested that large numbers of humans, particularly in the more polluted northern and western parts of the planet, attach a special mating significance to the solar day February 14. This is called Valentine’s Day. According to ancient Earth lore, Valentine is the patron saint of lovers, beekeepers, epileptics and the plague. Why these are connected in the human mind could not be ascertained and is beyond the scope of this study.

Although humans attach special significance to this day, it is unclear why exactly February 14 was chosen, and few humans give much thought to this. However, Earth scholars have proposed several reasons: some believe that this is the anniversary of St. Valentine’s death; others suggest that Valentine’s Day is a Christianised version of the ancient Roman (human) fertility festival of Lupercalia, which began on February 15; or that February 14 was chosen because birds returning north from their winter sojourn in Earth’s southern hemisphere are said to begin mating in the middle of February.

The mating pattern of Valentine’s Day differs significantly from mating behaviour on the other 364 days of the human year. As Valentine’s remains are kept in a city called Dublin, Ireland, our study took place there. Here we outline the main differences.

Cards
One of the first and most striking aspects of mating on Valentine’s Day is that much sexual activity is preceded by the exchange of cards. The popularity of this so called feast of Valentine’s Day can in part be attributed to greeting card companies, and others who stand to gain financial benefits. A businesswoman and artist, Esther Howland (Earth Years 1828 – 1904), popularised the sending of Valentine’s cards in North America.
Traditionally, cards are given early in the day, often by what earthlings call ‘the postman’. Both males and female send cards, although for most females, the type and number of cards received is of more importance than those sent. It is believed that the type of card and the number received allows the female of the species to choose a mate from a variety of potential lovers.
The content of the card’s message may vary between romantic, sexually suggestive or comedic in intent. The success of the message appears to depend on the psychological make-up of the particular female – ‘wrong’ messages will ensure that mating does not take place.
Receiving large numbers of cards engenders ‘bragging rights’ – unattached females compete to see who has attracted the largest number of possible mates or suitors. So competitive is this in some circles that females are not above sending cards to themselves. This is easily done, especially since some cards are sent anonymously. Why a male would refuse to sign a card, and thus put himself out of the mating game, is beyond our understanding, although humans variously attribute this to shyness, a liking for intrigue, fear of rejection or just plain awkwardness.

Gifts
For attached, already mating pairs, cards are generally accompanied by tokens of esteem. For women, popular items include the colourful genitalia of plants, particularly red roses; chocolates – a fattening sweet made with cocoa, milk and sugar; trips away from the comforts of home; undergarments, generally of a particularly skimpy or see-through variety, which are known not to be practical in the cool and wet Irish climate and therefore may have some primary purpose other than keeping warm; body adornments made with a yellow metal known as gold and or hard carbons known as a diamonds – or cheaper variations on these basic models.
From our observations, it appears that large numbers of females believe that the ideal Valentine’s gift should be both impractical and expensive. Gifts from females to males, when given, are generally smaller and less costly. Although humans generally admire creativity and originality, a Valentine’s gift that strays too far from the accepted parameters may result in the giver being shunned.

Dating
As Zanzooh noted, one of the early aspects of the mating ritual involves what humans refer to as a ‘date’. A popular date involves exchanging currency credits for proteins in places of public eating, although this is by no means exclusive. Dates can vary, and may include visual narratives known as films, the consumption of intoxicating liquids, or shaking the body to loud cacophonic noises thought of as music.
However, a protein-based date, known as dinner, is almost always required on 14 February. It appears that the more credits required to purchase the proteins, the more likely it is that the humans will proceed to the second, third and forth stages of the mating cycle. An intoxicating substance made from grapes almost always accompanies dinner.
Only once this third and final stage of Valentine’s Day has been completed will humans proceed to sexual activity.

SEX TIP
Lingam Massage:
In Tantra, the penis is called the lingam. Being Tantra, this is not about reaching orgasm in the most efficient way possible and a lingam massage takes a couple of hours.

Aligning your sexual energy is the first step. This is done through breathing. Sit facing your partner. Hold out your hands with your fingers spread against your partners’ and breathe deeply into your stomach. As you breathe in and out, imagine energy flowing between you.
Next, give him a full body massage, starting with the back. After about ten minutes, ask him to turn over, and continue. Massage slowly toward the inner thighs until he is relaxed and breathing deeply.

Before touching his genitals, Tantric practise suggests you should ask permission. Use massage oil. Begin at the top of the inner thigh, move towards the crease where the legs meet the pelvis and up towards the pubic bone. Use slow, steady motions.

Next massage the scrotum, gently pulling and kneading his testicles. Start gently and slowly add pressure.

Move your hand down to massage his perineum, the area between the testicles and anus. Use downward strokes or circular motions and gently push the perineum with your finger.
Finally, place your hand on his penis. Gently squeeze the base with your right hand, and pull up, sliding completely off. Then do the same with your left hand. Repeat. After a while, change directions and slide from the top down to the base and repeat.

Next, take the penis between both hands and rub your hands quickly back and forth, as if you wanted to start a fire with a stick. Massage the head by cupping it in your palm and turning your wrist, as if you are juicing a lemon. Move from the penis to the testicles to the perineum and back again, noting his responses.

If your man seems close to ejaculation, slow stimulation and let him cool down. If possible, you should try to hold back his orgasm six times. By doing so, a tremendous amount of sexual energy will be built up. This should result in an intense orgasm when finally released or he may chose to retain it and circulate the energy throughout other parts of his body.