The sex o'clock news

MANNEQUIN MAN
Whatever your own particular fetish happens to be, spare a thought for Ronald Dotson, 39, of Detroit, who was sentenced to 18 months for nicking a dress shop dummy. Dotson was arrested after police spotted him near a smashed storefront window containing a mannequin wearing a French maid outfit. Unfortunately for Dotson, this was not his first offence with mannequins. He had previously been caught with three illegally obtained mannequins dressed in lingerie.

NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE CHINESE
If Beijing’s civil servants were hoping to whoop it up during the 2008 Olympics, they are likely to be pretty disappointed. The Chinese government has warned officials to behave themselves during the Olympics and has said that officials will be watched to ensure that their lifestyles are beyond reproach.

WEB
How about your own personal erotic story to get you in the mood for some Valentine’s romance? If you’re not a scribe, try HoochyMail. Just choose the fantasy, fill in the form and they’ll create a personalised story for your approval. You can choose from three levels of erotica – Sexy, X-Rated and Off the Wall. Just be warned, Off the Wall isn’t the hardcore version. Instead, it replaces words for body parts with silly words, which is perfect if you want something a little funny. See www.hoochymail.com.

SEXTON’S MISCELLANY
VALENTINE’S ADVICE TO IGNORE
Far be it for me to quibble, but when I found this list of top ten Valentine’s gifts for girls on a well-known and extremely popular men’s website, I had to say something. Boys, don’t believe everything you read.

10. Foot Massager
Women, unlike men, don’t necessarily want a gadget for every aspect of our lives. If we have tired feet, we’d certainly appreciate a foot massage, but like many things in life, it’s more satisfying if done by another human being, not a bloody machine.
9. Lightscape Relaxation System
This is a light show with soothing music to perk you up after a crap day. Sorry boys, if we had a tough one, we’d like to bitch about it, while you listen attentively and provide cups of tea or glasses of wine.
8. Long Range Cordless Phone
A cordless phone? Thanks very much. Now hold still while I lob it at your head.
7. Art Print
Depends… I reckon you’d be better off buying a small piece from a promising art student.
6. Jewel Box
Oh, the disappointment of opening it up and finding it empty.
5. Luxury Photo Album
This could work but only if you’ve filled it with great shots of both of you having a great time together. Whether or not these are holiday snaps or X-rated bedroom shots depends on the kind of evening you’re hoping to have.
4. Love In A Box
This is a box filled with love cards, sweets, lotions and music and in a gift box. A bit cheesy; but if it comes with a dirty weekend, bring it on.
3. Slim Profile Stereo
A good stereo is always useful, but this would make a better birthday present.
2. Brooches/Pendants
No paste, no gold plate. If it’s jewellery, it’s got to be genuine.
1. Watch
A watch is a personal item so you’d want to be pretty sure you know her taste. Don’t forget that a little engraving goes a long way.
Just so you know, according to a well-know women’s website, most of us reckon a weekend away is the ultimate romantic gift. That would top my list too. Get thee to a budget airline now. And be quick about it!
THIS ISSUE'S TOP SEX TIP: Blowjob cheat
Some girls do, and some girls don’t. If you are one of the many girls who aren’t that keen on a mouthful of cum when you go down, you have a couple of options. Either switch to your hand just before the crucial moment or try this. Towards the end of a blowjob, focus on the sensitive frenulum, just beneath the head of the penis while cradling the penis with your hand. Use lots of saliva, or a flavoured lube. Use your tongue for all it’s worth, like you are sharing a steamy snog with this part of his penis, not actually sucking it and occasionally fill your hand with your hot steamy breath. The trick is to use hand, mouth, tongue and breath to create a warm, wet, steamy sensation so that there is no abrupt stop or change of sensation as he cums.