The Sex O'Clock News

Happy Slappers
Feeling down? A bit of BDSM could be just what the doctor ordered. According to Siberian scientists, punishment stimulates endorphin – the happy hormone. Low levels of endorphin have been linked to depression, addiction and psychosomatic disorders. Dr Sergei Speransky’s initial tests with volunteers have shown positive results. He is a firm believer in the whipping therapy as he used self-flagellation to cure his own depression. The doctor suggests a course of 30 sessions of 60 whips. After this he concludes that heartache disappears – although the marks on your butt may take somewhat longer!

Not tonight, not tomorrow, not for the next 2555 days
An Italian court has awarded alimony to a Sicilian wife whose husband withheld sex from her for seven years. The man decided to punish his wife after she disagreed with him in a family argument. The Italian appeals court termed his actions a serious offence to her dignity.

Rockers don’t get Old, they just Shave Away
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Ex-Generation X singer Billy Idol has admitted that he’s going grey – on his balls. Idol, ever a fan of the bleach when it comes to his barnet, has resorted to shaving the hair on his balls, which he described as like “steel wool”. Now that’s an attractive thought…

Stimulation for Ears and Eyes
Books
What do you do if you’re failing to score with the opposite sex? Well read this column for one thing. But you might also like to try Superflirt, the latest offering from telly sexpert Tracey Cox. Tracey examines body language, positive thinking, social skills and more besides, all of which – we’re told – will help increase your va va voom factor. Be warned, hardcore flirting is like a military procedure and you’ll need all your wits about you to put some of the tips into practice. However, they work, so its well worth it if your current technique is leaving sexy strangers cold. Superflirt is available from most good bookstores or online at Buy4now.ie and Amazon.co.uk for approximately €20.

Photography
For those who prefer their erotica tasteful and arty, Amazon’s Listmania has voted the following books as the Best of 2004. These will look as at home on your coffee table as beside the bed.
1. Notes (Jock Sturges)
2. Dream: The Dark Erotic Photographic Visions of John Santerineross (John Santerineross)
3. Reanna’s Diaries: A Celebration of Youth and Beauty in Photographs (Richard Murrian)
4. 100 Naked Girls (Petter Hegre)
5. Erotic Art Photography (Alexandre Dupouy)

Sexton’s Miscellany
11 Ways to Lose your Lover
It’s been a great date. You’ve laughed, you’ve talked and you’ve flirted. It’s looks pretty likely that you’ll be heading back to the bedroom until someone blurts out something that makes the whole thing go pear-shaped. Here are the blunders to avoid if you want to get laid.
1. I can’t wait to tell my friends about this.
2. I hope my mother is asleep.
3. I don’t believe in safe sex.
4. You remind me of my mother/father.
5. I knew I was in when I saw the skirt you were wearing.
6. I bet my mates a tenner I’d get to shag you.
7. Showering once a week is more than enough.
8. Feminism? That’s just a lot of bullshit.
9. What’s a clitoris?
10. My last boyfriend was hung like a horse.
11. Oral sex? Yuck, that’s gross.

Of course these are not the only ones!

TOP SEX TIP
MIRROR,MIRROR ON THE WALL....
For most people, watching sex is a great turn-on. With a little thought and imagination it’s easy to bring some visual stimulation into your bedroom.
Mirrors on the ceiling are best left to love hotels. However, a well placed full length mirror can work almost as well. Girls should note that worrying about the size of your ass is not conducive to the proceedings. He knows what it looks like, probably better than you do yourself.
Depending on how much you want to see, you can either use the mirror to glance into from time to time, or place yourself in front of and facing it. In front is a great way to see your lover stimulating various parts of your body from a whole new angle. This allows you to look at your growing excitement, but it’s likely you’ll get too distracted to watch yourself cum.
For the money shot, you’ll need a decent size, hand held, mirror. To make sure everyone has a good view, the woman has to position herself to give maximum visual stimulation to her partner. Propped up with legs spread wide works. The man then angles the mirror so you can see exactly what’s going on. Watching penetration up close gets most people very excited.
Easier and cheaper than home movies, with no incriminating evidence for your mother to find.b