Sometimes It's Hard To Be A Man

On occasion, I wish I were a man. Seriously. It seems a lot easier and there are a few advantages. Blokes still earn more, lucky bastards! No make-up means an extra fifteen minutes kip in the morning. And then there’s the whole peeing standing up thing, which is not something to be sniffed at, particularly in portaloo situations. Most importantly I have always suspected that in matters sexual men have the easier time. But have they really?

I have written before about the slut/stud conundrum. Ho hum: girls are punished while boys are valorised for the same sexual behaviour – we’ve heard it all before. But I wanted to know – what’s it like on the other side of this equation? If I were a man would I stop worrying how I ‘felt’ and gorge myself on a never-ending feast of sexual delights?
In 2009, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality reported that while the slut/stud double standard is very much alive and kicking, modern society nonetheless offers very little sexual latitude to men. In fact, the authors claimed, modern sexual mores mean that women are freer to express themselves sexually and that it is far more acceptable for women to engage in ‘non-normative’ sexual behaviour. Men on the other hand were supposed to be ‘real men’, whatever that means.
According to this particular report, heterosexual men were seen as abnormal if they weren’t always interested in sex, had homosexual fantasies or experiences, or engaged in submissive sexual acts. Really? Frankly, I was a little suspicious. While being a man may have its advantages, being a woman is not without compensations: feminine wiles come in handy and I used mine to cajole a crack team of men into answering some pertinent questions.
First off I wanted to know how men who identified as straight felt about homosexual experiences. Ninety-six percent of us told this September’s Irish Times Behaviour & Attitudes social poll that we’re straight; the thing is, though, that primarily heterosexual men have homosexual fantasies and engage in homosexual behaviour a lot more frequently than you might suppose. A New York study reckoned one in ten straight men had had a gay experience, and if you think that kind of carry-on doesn’t happen in Holy Catholic Ireland, think again.
“I had a homosexual experience in my late teens,” said Chris “I have always been a curious being so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I decided to see what it was like. In the end it didn’t turn me on and simply wasn’t for me. What’s more relevant is what I did with this experience – I kept it to myself. I was fearful I’d be branded as gay. At a time when everyone was finding their social niche I didn’t want to be ‘the gay one’.”
Chris was certainly not the only one to have explored “the other side of the street” as he put it. Geoff, a skirt chasing, Guinness drinking, footie playing, man’s man, has too.
“I tried it a couple of times – no biggie to me,” he recounted. “Some of my mates have too – no biggie either. Although my GAA mates... they haven’t, that I know of, and they probably wouldn’t be cool with that sort of experimentation.”
Darren wanted a man to give him a blowjob to see if it felt any different, but he kept that secret for a long time. The reaction when he did ‘fess up was surprising. “There was no way in hell I could discuss that with my mates. I tried it and told my closest friend – and seriously, he was way more interested in what it was like, than shocked.”
Now I can’t claim my respondents are necessarily representative of men in general, but the ones I spoke to all proclaimed that it wouldn’t be an issue if a friend confessed to a homosexual encounter, although most of them were quick – very quick – to remind me that they were grade A heterosexuals. Not Mark though: “If a man beautiful enough steps off the hand of providence into an amenable circumstance, perhaps. But girls can bang up a strapping good time too y’know!” he said.
I do indeed.
Edward figured he’d take him time to readjust to the idea of one of his mates being gay. “I’d have to re-learn who they are,” he said. “But that happens occasionally; people can always surprise you.”
Indeed they can, as Alan can attest. “Two years ago my dad rang me up to tell me he was having a gay affair with a younger man and had engaged in threesomes. It was a surprise, but only because it was so OTT – threesomes in my old bedroom at the age 68? Crikey! But my mother died eight years ago, and I was just relieved that he was getting on with life.”
Next up I wanted to know if single men feel they have to act like studs and what, if anything happens, if they don’t, can’t or won’t? My friend Chris offered his words of personal wisdom.
“I think in some way the finding of the Canadian study is correct,” said Chris. “In the same vein as a woman who is sexually promiscuous may be deemed to be a slut, a man who is not out ‘sewing his wild oats’ or not humping anything that moves, can be seen as ‘less of a man’. On the whole my friends don’t play the ‘stud rating game’, but boys will be boys, and I have been jovially slagged for ruining some golden opportunities, at which I am a bloody champion, or for not pursuing sex.”
Most blokes thought this aspect of male behaviour was particularly prevalent among younger men or in certain social settings. “It’s a bit of a pack mentality,” Charlie reckoned.
So tell me something I don’t know! Sean could be seen as your typical macho male: he is a mechanic, motorcycle enthusiast and a heavy metal fan. “I always just do my best to be me and not conform to the whole ‘man’ thing,” he said. “But in general there is ‘competition’ among younger blokes, and that persists among older ones who feel they have something to prove.”
Alan reckoned, only half jokingly, that sport was the problem. “I have some buddies who are into rugby and football and they are the only male friends I have who conform to the idea that men should behave in a very specific way. The only logical conclusion must be that sport is to blame.”
Finally, do men really associate masculinity with sexual prowess and if so, is it acceptable for a man to admit to sometimes not wanting sex?
“I think men put pressure on themselves to be good in bed,” Jamie offered.
Well, I’m hardly going to complain about that…
What may be surprising to some readers is that a number of the men I spoke to – although certainly not all – had little interest in casual sex.
Coby has pop star good looks and is popular with girls, but he is happier in a relationship. “In general I don’t like being touched by people that aren’t close to me. This could be due to my trust issues or maybe it’s just how I’m wired, but I’m not just gonna take whatever is offered. Some of my friends feel the same, others don’t.”
“On a balance of having sex with women I’ve truly connected with, versus one night stands, I would have to say that it tips in favour of the former,” says Chris. “Most of my sexual partners have been long-term girlfriends, so it has always been a huge part of sex for me.”
Mark was sceptical: “That’s what we all say when we ain’t getting none or can’t get specifically what we desire. It’s lip service – hormonal lusts can mute the loudest declamations or protests!”
Jamie adopted a live-and-let-live approach. “Fair enough, different things for different people.” Although he added a caveat: “I sometimes think that maybe I’m too interested in sex.”
Then there’s Geoff, no stranger to drunken one-night stands: “The only connection I need is my Black French Connection t-shirt that all the ladies love! I don’t need an emotional blah di blah for sex.”
Well, then. Basically it’s as clear as mud – straight men may want gay sex or not, they may want loving sex or not, they may want sex that’s just sex or not. Indeed at times, as Sean reminded me, they’d rather not bother at all: “Sometimes I’d rather have a four-pack of Bud and a book!”
Ah, but what kind of book?

Thanks to all the guys who shared their thoughts with HP. As always, all the respondents’ names have been changed.