So who is best at sex, then?

Before I introduced my boyfriend to my brother and his wife, I had to warn them that he was Australian. Not that there is any wrong with Australians per se, but as a South African, the Aussies are our bitterest rivals when it comes to chasing oval-shaped balls around a field, or hitting small round ones with bats. I was, as it were, sleeping with the enemy.

“Is he a typical Aussie?” asked Haley, and I had to think about that. What is a typical Australian like? If television is to be believed, which it isn’t, you’d think all Australian men were all blokey blokes that enjoy surfing, cricket, barbecuing, wearing brightly-coloured shorts, driving trucks and engaging in casual sexism — which is only half true!
Believing that every single person from a specific geographic area is exactly the same is not fair or correct, and can at times be downright racist. National stereotypes can be positive or negative, and are at most only loosely based on reality, if at all. Are the Scottish really tight with their money? Not at all, in my experience. Do the Irish like to drink? Er… well… perhaps just a little bit.
I was thinking about nationality, stereotypes and dating. I’ve been on dates with men from a number of different countries and have a United Colours of Benetton collection of male friends from across the globe. In my experience, there are some defining characteristics you can spot when dealing with men from different countries. Every nation is made up of individuals — I know, I know! So what follows here should be taken with a decent-sized pinch of salt. Here, however, is what I’ve found…

Americans
Roughly two-thirds of American men will try and wife you immediately. Fact! In my youth I had been led to believe that the average American bloke was the love-‘em-and-leave-‘em type so beloved of Sex and the City, but this is a dastardly lie. One-night stands are of course popular in the States, but if you have sex over two or more evenings, your transatlantic suitor will consider this a relationship. I’m not sure if this is because marrying and divorcing, like gun ownership, are popular pastimes in the heartland of the US or if he’s merely telling you what he thinks you want to hear — either way it is worrying.
On the plus side, American men break out into hives if you suggest splitting the cheque. This makes them an attractive option if you are in financially difficult circumstances.

Australians
Australians are more sensitive than are generally thought, and even the blokiest of Aussie blokes is likely to be pretty polite and accommodating. Aussie men are unperturbed by bodily functions and won’t care if you fart or belch in their presence — which is good (within reason). What’s less enjoyable is the fact that they’ll do this too, offending your delicate female ears and nose. The cheek of them! Australian men are likely to be upfront about their sexual desires and expect you to be as well. They’re good at asking for consent, which is to be applauded. And barbecueing — yup, every single one of them is a dab hand at cooking meat over an open fire.

English
Ask the average English man what his favourite television show is, and he’ll tell you it’s QI. This is a lie — it is actually Doctor Who, but he won’t admit this until he knows you well enough to realise you are equally obsessed with the adventures of the time-travelling alien and his posse of attractive companions. Englishmen are all secretly addicted to soap operas. They’ll pretend they never watch them, but will know the complete history of every single obscure character from Eastenders and Coronation Street. They are not so secretly addicted to football, and your sex and dating schedule will revolve around the approximately five million important matches that take place each year. The English also have a reputation for being bad cooks and bad in bed, neither of which is actually deserved. At least, on occasion...

French
I once went on a date with a Frenchman. He spent most of the time talking about the height of my shoes, or rather their lack of it. If I saw him again, would I wear higher heels? What was the highest pair I owned? Did I own any designer shoes? Now that I think about it, this may be because he had a fetish and not because of a national obsession with footwear.

German
My sister once dated the most German German in the history of Germans. Tall, strong, with blond hair, blue eyes and a chiselled jaw, he looked like Hitler's wet dream, the kind of strapping young Aryan happy to march into Austria or Poland, wearing his socks and sandals proudly. He would have been doing exactly that, but for a hiking holiday, not lebensraum, and only if he had all the correct guide books and equipment properly packed and was sure you would keep to his detailed and precise schedule. Despite their reputation as a puritanical nation obsessed with punctuality and efficiency, Germans have a fondness for public kink, sex in nightclub toilets, and nudity. However, these activities will be scheduled at the correct time, in the correct place, with excellent public transport there and back.

Irish
There are over 2,500 parishes in Ireland, and approximately 2,500 flavours of Irishman. Some, like brown bread ice cream, turn out to be unexpectedly delicious. Others… not so much. Having said that, all Irish men — every single one of them — are obsessed with their mammies. Either she is a blessed saint and they want you to be exactly like her, or she is a blessed saint and they want you to be her exact opposite, or they are terrified you will turn into a proto-Irish mammy given half a chance, or indeed that you won’t. On the plus side, this means the most Irish blokes will respond to a firm hand — with or without a leather paddle! The stereotypical idea that Irish people are not interested in, or any good at, sex is, of course, a load of bollocks. After years of Catholic repression, Irish men are generally keen to explore sexual hedonism in its myriad forms. And as long as they don’t wish to do this while you are dressed up as Mammy Browne, you’re good to go!

Polish
Like the Irish, the Poles are a proud people who have had a long and bloody history because of their larger, more aggressive neighbours. In the same way that Irish people get offended if ignorant foreigners regard the Republic as part of the UK, Polish people hate to be confused with the Russians. If you want to date a Polish man, be prepared to learn some history. You will also need to learn to pronounce unpronounceable names. There will also be pierogi — lots and lots of pierogi — and proper vodka, which all in all, is a pretty sweet deal.

South Africans
The average South African man likes meat, beer and sports. He likes women who like meat, beer and sports. The way to the South African male heart is to pack away more beer or meat than he does, while regaling him with arcane rugby trivia, which frankly is no easy task.
Saffa men living in Europe will become addicted to internet porn for the first six months after they arrive. This is because South African broadband is spotty at best, and expensive, so they tend to go overboard initially — the feast after the famine.
South Africans are concerned with sexual health — as you would be coming from a country where over a quarter of the population is HIV positive — so they’ll be happy to wear condoms. If you date one for any length of time, he will probably suggest an STI check. This should not be taken as an insult, but rather as a romantic gesture indicating he is serious about the relationship. Yup, flowers would have been nicer, but hey, sexual health is important too. Saffa men are crap at romantic gestures in general, but are useful around the house, willing to tackle any DIY problems you have – and make them worse.
You may be wondering why there are no Armenians, Argentinians or Austrians on this list. How about the Belgians, the Croatians, the Dutch and the Eritreans? The Zambians! Where are the Zambians? Sadly, as there are 196 countries in the world, I haven’t managed to go on dates with men from every single nation on earth — at least not yet. The full 196 nation rundown is not something I can promise you. But who knows? There’s still time!
It’s not exactly a triathlon, but I am a girl who likes a challenge.