Sexed up: YOU DON’T LIKE THREESOMES?

Here’s a truth many parents and politicians find disquieting: young people have sex.

Here’s another one: some sexual experiences do not take place between one man and one woman. There may be two people of the same gender, or three, or more, or a mixed bag of both.
Here’s a third: they also enjoy sex in all sorts of myriad combinations. And no matter how you might feel about this, or how loudly you want to condemn it, you ain’t going to change it one bit.
I love Ireland, I really do, but the wilful ignorance, hypocrisy, bigotry, not to mention sheer silliness, of many of our politicians would make you want to hurl. Granted it is the same across much of the world but that doesn’t make it any less sickening here.
And what’s worse is that too often they are encouraged in this by the media, who have effectively colluded in creating a context for establishment figures of one kind or another getting all high and mighty about the kind of sex they don’t approve of (which, of course, in Ireland is most sex).
Yes, I am talking about the media storm raging around the teen information website SpunOut.ie.
SpunOut, as I am sure you are aware, got into hot water for offering teenagers advice on how to safely engage in a threesome. It highlighted health issues, such as the need for a separate condom for each partner, advised teens to consider the emotional implications of group sex, and warned about coercion. It also noted, before the post was edited, that threesomes were “fun.”
That’s another fact: they are. At least for some people, under the right circumstances, with the right partners – all things the SpunOut post was trying to make clear.
For this simple, straightforward and sexually liberated observation, SpunOut was accused of promoting promiscuity. If you’d read the original post on the site you’d see that this was far from the truth. If you’d accessed the information in a state of horniness and confusion, by the time you’d read halfway through the checklist of things to consider (all important, it has to be said), you’d be better informed but a whole lot less eager
to experiment.
According to SpunOut’s spokesperson Ian Power, the article had been on the website for three years and nobody made a fuss until an enterprising journalist spotted it and decided that the best person to ask for a reaction would be the esteemed teachta dála from Mayo, Michelle ‘Fornication’ Mulherin.
Ms Mulherin, in her characteristically reactionary fashion, responded that this advice was “incredibly regressive” and “very worrying”. She also took issue with the fact that SpunOut had the audacity to discuss sex in this frank and open manner despite receiving part of its funding from the HSE – €124,000 a year.
Now, I hate to get all schoolmarm-ish on you, since we are not engaged in role-play (which is evil and wrong and you should definitely try with a consenting partner at some point – soon!), but let’s do some sums.
For a €124,000 per annum investment, SpunOut advises teenagers on pertinent issues such as bullying, drugs, emotional problems and sexuality. It is often the first port of call for young people with mental health problems or those considering suicide. It also provides employment, making it seem like decent value for our taxpayer-money to me.
Now let’s compare that to Ms Mulherin. As a TD, she earns around €90,000 as a basic salary each year and claimed over €60,000 in expenses in 2012. You don’t need to be a maths whiz to realise that Michelle Mulherin costs us approximately €26,000 a year more than SpunOut.
This is the woman who told us, “fornication… is probably the single most likely cause of unwanted pregnancies in this country.” And yes I realize I might be getting a bit nitpicky but, sweet suffering Jesus – she doesn’t even seem to know the meaning of the word “regressive.” Which brings us to your English lesson! Michelle, here’s what the Oxford English Dictionary has to say:
Regressive, adjective: returning to a former or less developed state.
I presume she meant “reckless” or possibly “repellent”, but certainly not “regressive”, because after all, Mulherin and her ilk would actually like us to regress to a supposedly better time when sex was limited to activity between married couples. And just maybe, when there was no internet, no sex education, no condoms, no contraceptives and presumably no “fornication” in Holy Ireland.
You’d think that ignorance really was bliss, and that by burying our heads in the sand and refusing to be honest about sex and sexual matters, we’d turn this little blob in the ocean into a mystical land of rolling green hills and proud stone churches where blushing maidens danced at the cross roads and strong lads slung sheep over their shoulders.
Keeping teenagers ignorant of the risks and rewards of threesomes doesn’t mean they won’t experiment. As SpunOut wisely noted in their response, “Silence does not breed confidence, instead it creates fear and confusion. We should arm our young people with the facts and trust them to make responsible decisions.”
When asked for his response, Health Minister James Reilly said that it was “not the appropriate information that the State would be putting out there.” He added that this was his personal view. Well, thanks very much for sharing that, Minister.
The smug poster boy of Irish Catholicism, the Iona Institute’s David Quinn, claimed that SpunOut’s philosophy “is pro-choice all the way. So long as you are ok with your choices, and they don’t harm anyone, then all choices are perfectly acceptable.” This, he argued, promoted “radical personal freedom and
moral relativism” – which are bad things in
his opinion.
I don’t want to underestimate the valuable work CARI do for children, but I think it tells us something interesting that an organisation that works with victims of sexual abuse felt it ought to weigh in on the furore.
Majella Ryan, Acting National Clinical Director of CARI, claimed that potential consequences of a threesome were “shame, regret and jealousy” and that private lives could be “exposed through gossip and social media adding to a sense of shame and ridicule.”
Ryan’s words may unwittingly pinpoint the misogyny and homophobia at the heart of the prevailing attitude to sex and sexuality among Ireland’s establishment.
I am sick to the back teeth of the attitude, still prevalent in 2013, that sexual experiences outside of the heteronormative, one man, one woman, marriage, mortgage and kids model is seen as immoral. And I am angry as hell at the constant attempt to reduce sex to something that should only ever happen in the context of so called “committed relationships.” Experimentation is not exploitation. People frequently enjoy sex for itself. And other people enjoy it with them. That is a good thing. And only an eejit would try to suggest that anyone who recognises this, or participates in it, is in some way a candidate for shame and ridicule.
Last week, in the Irish Independent, the journalist Miriam Donohoe wrote: “I have never been part of a threesome. And I have no intention of ever trying it out.” That’s fine – it’s her sex life and her decision.
Also last week, my friend Rachel told me about seeing two people having sex in a doorway on Grafton Street. My immediate reaction was “Ugh, not for me!” First off, it was freezing, and secondly, sex in public while drunk people amble by, did not sound like a whole lot of fun.
But that’s my choice – because, ta dah! – it’s my sex life and my decision as to what I will or won’t do. Everyone is entitled to enjoy the kind of sex they like, with whatever number of people, as long as they are all consenting adults. If that’s radical personal freedom, then we need more of it.
Here’s a final fact: some people like sex in ways that don’t appeal to you. This may be casual sex, kinky sex, married sex, gay sex, poly sex, exhibitionist sex, loud sex, painful sex, furry sex, messy sex or romantic sex. So what? If it is safe and consensual, it’s none of your business. Get over it. And let those who enjoy it get on with it…