Sexed Up with Anne Sexton

What makes somebody sexually attractive? I have been wrestling with this question over the past couple of days. Scientists tell us that sexual attraction is based upon finding a suitable partner with which – or with whom, rather – to mate. As you lock eyes with a sexy stranger, so the theory goes, you are sub-consciously calculating whether they’ve got the genes and the means to ensure the survival of your future progeny.

Perhaps there is something in that, but desire seems to be a far more complicated urge than a preference for regular features, sweet-smelling pheromones and the ability to help with the mortgage.
In your (hopefully) chequered sexual history, there is bound to be a person the memory of whom ignites a warm feeling in either your heart or your genitals. And sadly, there will also be at least one out there also who makes you shudder. So how did you end up with both of these people? If biology told the whole story, then surely it would be impossible to get it that wrong? But get it wrong we do because sex can be a messy business – and I don’t just mean in the obvious sense!
I surveyed a variety of acquaintances to find out what they thought were the most important triggers of sexual attraction. Granted, there were a few peculiar predilections. My friend Henri, for example, felt very strongly about ankles. For the most part, though, the answers I got were much as you’d expect – looks, personality and a sense of humour tend to be considered important by most people. Without a doubt, all of these things count, but for how much? Taken individually, not a lot.
I don’t know about you, but I have never been attracted to someone’s brilliant mind across a crowded room. In the cattle-market of human courtship, those whose looks appeal to us are the ones we’re more likely to drag home at midnight for coffee or carnal conjugation.
Fair enough, but what exactly are good looks? We accuse the media of setting up ideals of beauty. There is some validity in the accusation, of course, but our understanding of what is attractive still covers a multitude. Well, mine does! For example, both Jordan and Uma Thurman are cover girls. Robbie Williams may look like a chimp, but he’s a sex symbol. If asked, most of us would probably be able to compile a list of physical features we’d like in a sexual partner. However, those we lust after are frequently nothing like the picture-perfect person we might have had in mind when we got out the pencil and paper.
A lot has to do `a how you carry yourself, the air that you exude of mystery or authority, or vulnerability – or whatever. There’s the clothes you wear too – the truth is that women wear short skirts at least to some extent because they know that men like them – that they are sexually appealing, that they may be the first thing that turns a guy’s head and gets him thinking.
Most of us aren’t bothered by a few flaws. After all, not very many of us are truly beautiful, but with a little luck and charm, we can all get laid. I know three really successful ladies’ men, none of whom have much to recommend them in the way of looks. More annoyingly, I have never met anyone as skilful at turning men into minions whose only delight in life is attending to her pleasure as my sister – damn her! Is she beautiful? Well, she looks pretty much like me, and small, skinny, pale girls are in short supply in the FHM Hot 100 list (although this could just be due to an editorial oversight).
So, if looks aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, could personality be the elusive key to an attraction that grows? Before my initial interest turns into full-blown lust, I need to believe that I’m going to like a person. But as to what it is I need to like about them, I’m still not sure. Is it intelligence, generosity, kindness, honesty, loyalty, ambition, talent, charm or good manners that turn me on?
All of my lovers have had some of these qualities, but not the lot of them in one irresistible package. If we dislike someone, chances are we won’t think they are very sexy. On the other hand, a lover’s personality may persuade you to stick around for a while, but – speaking as a woman of course – you also want someone who wants to fuck your brains out, and as often as possible too.
Reading the personal ads, you’d have to conclude that the thing most people want in their lovers is a good sense of humour. But this is another kind of misapprehension. If a sense of humour were the holy grail, teenage girls would line up to throw their panties at the stage with wild abandon at the Kilkenny Cat Laughs festival – but they don’t.
What exactly is a GSOH anyway? For some people, the height of hilarity is cow tipping; others may prefer the arch observations of Oscar Wilde. Looking for someone with a GSOH may well be nothing more than wanting a person who is polite – or stupid – enough to laugh at our own jokes. This is indeed an attractive quality, as it’s much easier to find someone sexy if they appreciate us and show it. But humour itself is not that which sets our pulses racing. Enthusiastic daters and commitment-phobics like myself may swap the gorgeous for the gregarious, and then dump amusing people for better-looking rivals. Because we’re bitches, of course...
When you think about it, there are many reasons why we choose to sleep with some people and not others. In many cases, it’s a delicate and shifting balance of looks, personality and sense of humour. But it’s just as likely to be one of the following – power, boredom, money, status, intelligence, taste, style, smell, revenge, desperation or danger. For very casual encounters, a combination of alcohol and availability may be enough to get many people across the threshold of someone else’s underwear line.
In other words, scientific explanations of desire make sense – but only until you take real human beings into account. If the propagation of the species was our main sexual motive, we’d never lust after people of the same sex, but we do. We can try to quantify and qualify desire for all we’re worth, but there’s no easy definition of something that’s essentially irrational.
Or is there? One of the things I want to experiment with is how a change of clothes, make up and perfume affects the way people react to us. I have been bowled over by aftershave and I never failed to attract attention in my much-lamented lucky jeans. Will my investment in a pair of killer stilettos pay dividends? Or am I more approachable in a demure dress? Will people be more immediately interested in me if I dress variously in a short skirt, a low cut top – or as a nun? Or is there any outfit in particular that has them queueing up (well, more than normal). Full report coming soon!b