Sexed Up with Anne Sexton

Another year rolls round, and having barely recovered from the obligatory excesses of the season of goodwill, we wake up to find ourselves in the middle of February. And February can only mean one thing – Valentine’s Day.

I don’t know anyone of either sex who actually likes Valentine’s Day. The cheesiness, the abundance of pink and red, the panic present purchasing and the enforced romance all conspire to make it one of the least sexy days of the year.
Valentine’s gifts are the worst – generally designed to make you feel bad about yourself. Either they are too small and insignificant to make you feel loved and appreciated, or else they are too extravagant, making you want to do a runner before somebody plonks down on one knee in the middle of a public place to ask you an ‘important question’. Yikes!
Having been a victim of Valentine’s Day once too often, last year I asked the lovely Conor not to buy me anything. I explained to him carefully, using short, clear sentences and simple diagrams, that I did not “do” Valentine’s Day. Did he listen? No, of course not. And strangely enough, managed to give me the best Valentine’s Day present ever. He bought me lingerie – and wore it himself.
In High Fidelity, the writer Nick Hornby complained that women tend to keep their best underwear for the evenings they know they are definitely going to have sex. This is true. If you are going to be forced to do hand washing, there has got to be a payback. Good lingerie is a sexual investment, and – being women, you might say – we are pragmatic and like to get value for money.
Getting dressed especially for sex is a great turn on. Firstly because it focuses your mind on the bedroom gymnastics you’ll be performing later. Secondly because you spend time lavishing attention on your body. The shower is no longer a routine; it’s the beginning of foreplay. The body is buffed, scrubbed, shaved and scented. After that, there is the careful consideration of the undergarments. They have to match your agenda. Romantic? Vampish? Shy but willing? There are so many choices. So many subtle shadings of intent. Women get dressed for sex not only because men are generally loudly and enthusiastically appreciative, but also because it makes us feel sexy. Its time more men got in on the act.
I don’t reckon many blokes would be keen on Conor’s lingerie stunt, and frankly, many women wouldn’t be either, but there are a whole lot of costume options open to a man besides sexy smalls. Sylvia Plath wrote that every woman loves a fascist. This is not strictly true. Often we prefer a fireman.
Dressing up gives you a chance to explore your fantasies. If you’ve ever wanted to be a pirate or be ravished by the postman, why not do it in the comfort and privacy of your own home, with someone you can trust? If you’ve never dressed up before, you may feel at little silly at first, but don’t let that bother you. Sometimes great sex is dirty, and sometimes it’s funny. With a costume, its bound to be one of the two, so you’re onto a winner either way.
Costumes allow you to see your partner, or them to see you, in a whole new light. If you have been with someone for any length of time, you become used to them and their body. While this has many benefits in terms of intimacy, it lacks the raw excitement of being with someone new. Putting on a costume means you make yourself unknown again and compel your partner to really look at you.
In observing and being observed, there is a powerful sexual dynamic. All women understand this. It’s why we wear short skirts or baggy jumpers, depending on how comfortable we are with being looked at. However, most straight men, unless they know that they are very good-looking, rarely get the chance to experience being the object of observation. It’s not that we are not looking, though; it’s just that you don’t notice.
Granted, blokes don’t have to put up with lewd suggestions from drunks or members of the construction industry, but for the most part being admired is great for your self-esteem. Being the focus of someone’s desire, simply by your presence, before you have said or done anything, is a huge turn-on. In the interests of sexual equality, men should have the pleasure of this too. Just ask us what we’d like.
If feeling extra sexy, exploring your fantasies and your partner’s fascinated gaze isn’t enough to convince you to try dressing up, consider the clothes themselves. Certain materials are just a whole lot sexier than others. Silk and satin feel fabulous against your skin, whereas PVC and rubber offer a different variety of sensations. PVC and rubber costumes can have straps that can be snapped, laces to tighten or zips in strategic places. And then there’s the smell. Fresh sweat and rubber... I can’t describe it, I keep getting distracted by the very though! But trust me, its good.
When Conor pulled me into a dark corner of the pub so I could take a peek at his Valentine’s lingerie, I was gob smacked. The idea of my bloke in a pair of French knickers was a little odd at first, even for me. But after the initial shock, I was intrigued and could not wait to get him home. It was everything a Valentine’s present should be – original, romantic and sexy. So if you are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year, dress up and do it in style.