The journey from child to adult is long, rarely simple and frequently painful. But, in theory at least, it comes to an abrupt end the day you cross the threshold of college for the first time.

In the brief respite between the Leaving Certificate in June and the commencement of studies in October, you are supposed to metamorphose into a thoroughly responsible grown-up. Well, if you can do that, you’re more of a genius than even those very excellent leaving results of yours suggest!
Let loose from Mam and Dad’s loving but restrictive embrace and thrust upon the world, it’s no wonder that many first year students go a little crazy. Some of them even do it in style. Second and third years too…
I know it’s hard to believe but I was not always the fabulous creature whose photo graces the top of this page. I was snatched from the bosom of my family, a spotty, shy and sensitive virgin and deposited at the college gates without a clue as to what was likely to be in store.
The Powers-That-Be handed me a map. Naturally it was upside down – and I was slow to spot that. Negotiating my way to class and through the social and sexual landscape of my new found adulthood wasn’t easy – but, then, very few worthwhile ventures are. And it was hugely worthwhile.
If you think about it too long, it’s hard to avoid the paranoid conclusion that thrusting all those young – well, generally young – people together in college is not a particularly wise idea. Hundreds of mostly sex-starved, and hugely inexperienced teenagers unleashed upon each other – it sounds like fun and it often is. The air hangs thick with pheromones like a mushroom cloud around a sexual nuclear bomb.
It doesn’t matter what year you’re in – in college it is impossible not to feel horny at least some of the time. I did – and you will. The question is what to do about it…
I guess Viktor Frankl must have been onto something when he reckoned that humanity’s main concern was realizing goals, rather than the gratification of instincts, for it truly is a testament to the strength of the human spirit that anyone manages to pass any college courses at all – when there is so much opportunity for sexual debauchery to distract you.
Perhaps it was worse for me than most. I had spent twelve years cloistered in a convent. Suddenly boys were no longer these elusive creatures traipsing merrily past the convent gates – they were everywhere. Sitting next to me in class, talking to me, inviting me to parties and trying to get into my pants. The lovely fellows…
Not that I hadn’t managed to meet boys during my incarceration. But they all seemed to be male equivalents of myself – shy, navel-gazing Smiths fans, too awkward and unassuming to try much more than a desperate, fumbled grope at my training bra.
College changed all that. It was if the whole world had been shrunk by some impressive, government issue Japanese nano-technology. There were clever boys, funny boys, older boys, straight boys, gay boys, bisexuals, dreamers, drunks, poets, players, foreigners, freaks and everything in between. If my memory serves me correctly, there were a few girls there as well.
The challenge is to enjoy the fullness of it, while still getting some work done. Being in college offers a unique opportunity to explore yourself, and your potential on a human, personal and sexual level. But you’re there also to get an education and a degree. My innocence notwithstanding, I discovered that it is possible to do both – and to have a really good and fulfilling time in the process.
Going off to college, your parents, siblings, well-wishers and kind-hearted busybodies alike will give you plenty of advice on what to do, and more especially what not to do. I would never presume to do the same. You wouldn’t listen anyway, would you?
However, in addition to my sexual and literary talents, I am quite a keen psychic, with one eye on your future. So here’s a list of all the opportunities that will arise and the things you will do over the next twelve months. You can work out for yourself, I guess, which ones are best avoided so that you defy the fickle finger of fate. Although I do throw in a few cautionary words…
Whatever transpires, live life to the full. In theory you may have signed up for adulthood – but in practice, as a student, you enjoy the privilege of not having to take on the more onerous burdens of the ‘real’ world quite yet. Make the most of what can be a marvellous, intellectually inspiring, spirit-building and personally fulfilling experience.
You can never re-live these precious years…

1.You will have privacy and opportunity.
Going to college is the first chance most of us get to have any extended time with a member of the opposite sex. Living at home, having a decent sexual relationship is tricky at best. Being away from home, however, your sexual experiences are no longer limited to snatched school afternoons, random moments at the back of nightclubs, damp fields, alleyways and friends’ bedrooms. You can stay the night, hell you can stay all weekend. Go for it!
You will need: a mobile toothbrush.

2. You will fall in love.
You will spend all day in bed shagging, laughing, making plans and ignoring your classes. It will be intense, passionate – and very probably doomed. When it all goes pear-shaped you’ll want to die – instead you’ll write bad poetry (but, with practice, you might just get better at that!).
You will need: The Best of Leonard Cohen and a box of tissues.

3.You will have unplanned sex with a friend.
There may be drink involved. Then again there may not. Either way, it doesn’t have to be turned into a crisis. It won’t ruin the friendship. They are probably not in love with you either.
You will need: a dose of common sense.

4.You will be tempted to take risks.
Don’t do it. No matter how broke you are, condoms are much cheaper than a trip to the STD clinic or an unwanted pregnancy. Besides, if there aren’t any available, this is where you dip into your repertoire of non-genital sex options. There are lots of fine and fun things you can do without the risks associated with penetration. Remember that when the time comes (and before you do)!
You will need: change for the condom vending machine.

5.You will overdo it.
Actually there are those of you who are eminently sensible and who don’t feel the need to get drunk. Good on you. That said, it is hardly a state secret that students often drink more than is good for them – so we can safely say that there are lots of people reading this, who will at some stage find themselves the worse for wear. If it happens to one of your mates, stick with him or her to make sure that they’re alright. And if you think it is happening to you with any frequency, put on the brakes. Drunks are no fun. Oh, and whatever you do, avoid drunken sex – too many risks entirely.
You will need: good friends, who will not leave you propped up in a corner, puking in the garden or at the not so tender mercy of strangers.

6.You will make mistakes.
One of my friends became pregnant in college; another caught syphilis. This kinda shit you can do without. With a bit of wit and intelligence, you can keep your mistakes to a minimum. That should be the aim. Big, life-changing stuff that hits you like a Mike Tyson hook to the solar plexus is to be avoided.
You will need: to face your responsibilities.

7. You meet brilliant, amazing, wonderful people.
Unfortunately you also meet assholes. And, initially, they’re not always easy to distinguish. It is important to travel without prejudice – but also to keep your bullshit detector handy.
You will need: a sense of humour – and possibly some self-defence classes.

8. You will be offered drugs.
They are illegal. If you experiment, there Is the risk of getting caught. Don’t do anything that’s plain stupid. Also, remember that certain illegal substances can effect the efficiency of contraceptive pills, so if you’re having sex, beware of accidents.
You will need: a condom and lots of common sense.

9. You’ll shag when you should have been studying.
Sometimes it’s wiser, and better for you, to choose shagging. Sex, and good sex especially, is one of life’s great pleasures. To indulge yourself can be wonderful – and it can arm you the better to deal with life’s vicissitudes. But there may be stuff to catch up on, as a result…
You will need: strong, black coffee for all-night study sessions.

10. You’ll try new things, experiment, learn about yourself – and have a whole lot of fun.
Hopefully, that is! You will need at least two of the following: an open mind, handcuffs, blindfold, rubber duck, massage oil, giant box of condoms – and a sex toy or two for additional thrills.

Enjoy it, have a great year.