Sexed Up: Eyes Wide Shut

Want to get together for some no-strings attached fun?” Thus was the message on my phone. News that my lovely Conor had gone to work in the UK had reached the eyes and ears of an acquaintance, Richard, and he graciously offered to come to my aid should the two weeks apart be too much to bear.

Oh gallant Richard! It was a very kind of him, and I felt quite mean having to refuse. After all, you are not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth. But I did. This time.
Why do people cheat? There are lots of possible motives – boredom, frustration, anger, commitment-phobia, alcohol, revenge, the need for variety – and a whole host of other relationship problems – can all play a part. Infidelity often means that there is a bigger issue between two people and that the relationship will struggle to survive. However, sometimes there are no big reasons for unfaithfulness. A lot of the time, the people cheat – if that’s the appropriate word – simply because they can.
Democratic governments promise equal opportunities for all, but there are people who get more than their fair share of anything and everything that’s going. If you’re better looking, more charming, wealthier, funnier or in some cases simply have lower standards than the average, chances are you will get propositioned more often. Those of us who are not naturally magnetic can either put up with the fact or join a rock band. Not that even this always works. Just ask… no, I’d better not say who!
While not all of the lucky devils who find themselves knee-deep in willing partners take advantage of the situation, some certainly do. Maybe it’s not very nice. Maybe, on the other hand, it is very nice indeed. It depends on how you look at it. But whatever your perspective, well, it’s human nature.
Bizarrely, and somewhat unfairly, one sure-fire way to increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex is to become emotionally involved. Murphy’s Law of Sexual Opportunity states that the number of propositions received rises in direct proportion to the seriousness of the relationship you’re in.
While you’re single, weeks can go by without a decent prospect on the horizon; become attached, and all manner of interesting and interested people are begging for your number. I suppose it’s the same impulse as that which drives us to seek out collector’s editions, rare imprints and designer handbags – display something behind a glass case, and the punters are jostling to get at it. So it is with human beings too!
Trend-spotters have noted the rise in the “pseudo-single” – a person involved in a relationship who behaves as a single person when on holiday with their mates. Temple Bar is crawling with them. The rationalisation for this kind of behaviour is that it’s not really cheating if you’re in a different country, city or even postal district.
Although this reasoning is flimsy, I certainly understand where it’s coming from. A one-night stand, miles away from your partner doesn’t impinge on your daily life – or your partner’s. It’s a once off, a fluke, a flash in the pan. But that flash can be very exciting indeed.
Relationships are great – there’s comfort, companionship and someone to make you a cup of tea in the mornings in them. It’s all lovely, lovely, lovely – but it can be a bit dull. Too much cosy his ’n’ her domesticity is potentially detrimental to your libido. Sex needs to be exciting. Maybe not every time, but frequently. And by its very nature, infidelity is exciting. It’s new, and it’s dangerous and it can be a lot of fun. Unless you get caught, of course.
Most opportunistic cheats do not want to end their relationships – they just want a little action on the side. But watch it – unless your partner is unsuspecting, unobservant or just plain stupid, you’ll be found out sooner or later.
Perhaps it’s some sort of territorialism, but most sexual partners, even casual ones, like to leave their mark, whether it’s scratches on your body, random hairs on your clothes, the smell of their perfume on your skin or the classic lipstick on the collar.
You may be able to cover your tracks on this occasion or that – but to be a successful long-term cheat, you need to have absolutely no conscience. Those who cheat regularly also need to be good liars. This would be my downfall. Like playing guitar, I gave up lying years ago after facing the sad truth that I was simply no good at it.
Sooner or later your partner may notice something amiss. This is where the ability to think up a plausible excuse on the spur of the moment is crucial. Very few people have this ability. They stutter, stumble, look away, contradict themselves and generally look guilty. That’s me, nowadays…
When I was younger, cheating on my boyfriends was a favourite hobby. I could resist everything except temptation and temptation was everywhere. Yes, I know, I am terrible. But in my defence the cheating was almost all confined to snogging, and I did warn my partners in advance about my wandering tongue. Luckily, many of them accepted this – although I suppose that was because it meant that I could hardly create a fuss if they played away themselves. Clever bastards!
To be honest – and honesty is something I strive for – it had crossed my mind that it would be pretty easy to play the field while Conor was safely tucked away in England. If I accepted Richard’s offer, the risk of getting caught would be negligible. Unless I wrote about it, which I probably would. Then I’d have to come up with cunning plans to scupper HP’s delivery to the UK. Too much trouble, that.
I realise that, given the chance, many of us are happy to cheat. While that’s true, cheating is a choice – you don’t have to do it. So, for that matter, is fidelity. As for me. having strayed from the path of righteousness before, I won’t cheat on Conor again because I know it would hurt him. As he’s one of the most interesting and exciting lovers I’ve ever had, I don’t feel the need to either. But it’s nice to know that I could.
Sometimes that’s enough. Now where’s your man’s telephone number?