Sex Column: You Lick Mine And I'll Suck Yours!

Picture the scene: two people on a bed, mouth to genitals and genitals to mouth, both giving and receiving oral sex at the same time. There is no power relationship here, no servicer and serviced; instead it is an egalitarian and mutual sharing of sexual pleasure. It’s beautiful, sensual and sexy – at least in theory.
Dear readers, prepare to be shocked. I am about to tell you a dirty little secret – I am not a fan of the 69. The 69, like Bruce Springsteen, is overrated. Way overrated! I honestly don’t get what all the fuss is about.
I am obviously not some sort of puritan who hates pleasure, so hold on. I’ll explain. I love giving head, and I love receiving it because there is no sexual act more intimate than oral sex. But if I am giving you a blowjob, I like to do it in peace, goddammit! I don’t need an incentive and you’re wrecking my buzz. If you’re a man, is there really an upside to having a distracted woman, and her teeth, near your dick? If you’re going down on me, then for goodness sake, please let me lie back and enjoy it. The bedroom is no place for the Protestant work ethic.
I assumed that my opinion would be an unpopular one, so I was surprised to learn that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I asked friends for their opinions and around three quarters of my respondents said that instead of upping the pleasure, giving and receiving oral sex at the same time reduced it significantly.
“That might just be my laziness,” quipped Noel, and yes, that certainly is a factor; but indolence aside, there are a number of good reasons why many people prefer turn-based oral sex. First off, there are the physical limitations of the human body to consider. If you are lying on your back, there is an excellent chance you are straining your neck. It is probably a little easier if your partner is a woman, but if you are pleasuring a man in this position, well then your throat is at exactly the wrong angle in relation to his dick, making it virtually impossible to get a decent rhythm going.
Although it is more comfortable, I’m not a great fan of being on top either. Getting the angle right can be tricky – too far away and your partner can’t do much more than ineffectual licking; too close and you’ve parked your arse on their nose. Plus, you know, there’s always the possibility of an unexpected fart slipping out. Not that this has ever happened to me – at least as far as I am aware – but I worry about it nonetheless!
Secondly, there’s the lack of visual feedback. One of the best things about oral sex is seeing your partner enjoying him or herself. Making eye contact with someone while you pleasure them feels incredibly sensual and – at least for me – is one of the hottest aspects of giving oral sex. If I am on the receiving end, I love looking at my partner licking, sucking, tasting and eating me out — the sensations and the visuals combined send me over the edge. None of this is possible with the 69, unless of course, you have a big ass mirror on your wall or ceiling, which unfortunately I don’t – at least not yet!
Thirdly, and most importantly, it can be impossible to orgasm when you are worrying about sexual performance instead of focusing on sexual pleasure. I suspect that this is particularly true of women.
“I’m not a great sexual multi- tasker,” explained Beth. “I have to concentrate on my orgasm to make it happen, so if I’m blowing someone at the same time, I won’t make it across the finish line. It’s fun in theory but doesn’t work for me in practice.”
“I just can’t concentrate when I’m being distracted, I forget what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s far too complicated,” said Rose. “Single file please!”
Of course if you do enjoy 69s, you’re not alone. “I love 69s,” said Warrick. “But not with you!” Which is fair enough, I suppose, considering he is gay. Steven is also a fan: “I love giving oral. It’s intimate, sensual, erotic, a sensory overload and it feels great to give pleasure and seeing, hearing and feeling them react to your every touch. All of the same enjoyment applies to receiving oral too, including eye contact. So combine the two into a 69 and you have yourself a very pleasurable and intimate moment. And because you are both doing it at the same time you both can match each other’s tempo or intensity and it all flows organically.”
Aaron felt that 69s allowed two people to lose themselves in sexual pleasure. “I enjoy the kind of symbiotic, coupling aspect of them. There’s a way in which it sometimes blurs the discrete boundaries between parties, if that makes sense,” he said. It does, but I think that’s often true of any pleasurable sexual experience.
Last August a paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine claimed that women in same sex partnerships orgasm 75 percent of the time compared to 63 percent of women in heterosexual relationships. The paper’s authors suggested that, although further research was needed to confirm it, lesbian women were likely to be more familiar and comfortable with female bodies. Another theory for this disparity is that lesbian couples were more likely to engage in turn- based sexual stimulation instead of aiming for mutual orgasm.
I suspected that given this, my lesbian friends might not be fans of the 69. Admittedly I had a small sample group of three, so I can’t make any definite pronouncements, but it seems my assumption was wrong. Nic, a lady who loves ladies, felt much the same way as Steven.
“Giving head is quite possibly my most favourite thing ever. Receiving head is frigging awesome, too. I’m not amazing at just lying back and enjoying; I’m far too active. There’s pretty much no greater turn-on for me than getting someone off, so the combination of the two is potent to say the least.”
To be honest, I wish my experience of the 69 was closer to Steven’s or Nic’s. I love the way it looks on film, and I love the egalitarian aspect of it, but I’ve always found it something of a let down in real life. The 69 is well named – I get about 69 percent of the pleasure I would receive doing either of those things separately. As Andrew put it, “Giving and receiving oral sex is a treat. But the 69 – that’s like working on a bank holiday.”