Sex Column: Why I'd Like To Be A Man

Sometimes I wish I was a man. No, that’s not really true — not sometimes, more like often, frequently or all the damn time. I don’t mean to imply that I hate being a woman — I don’t — or that there is a disconnect between my biological sex and gender identity, which there isn’t. But if someone could wave a magic wand and give me the choice, I would switch in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t even hesitate...
My significant other thinks I overestimate the advantages of masculinity, and that the social expectations of men can be stifling narrow and restrictive. Yup, I can see that aiming to be the strong, silent type who never complains, earns six figures, and rarely gets to wear a skirt could be a pain in the hole. But relatively speaking, men have it easy.
Granted, if you are a bloke and not heterosexual, white and middle class you miss out on some significant advantages. But that’s true of women too. The American feminist and anti- racism activist Peggy McIntosh was the first person to define the idea of “privilege”. The term refers to a set of special provisions that a person acquires — or doesn’t as the case may be — because of their identity. To put it at its most stereotypical, if you are a rich, white, heterosexual man, then in Ireland, and across most of the Western world, you’ll have an easier life than a working-class, lesbian, woman of colour. There are many aspects of privilege, but some of them are more egregious than others — or rather some annoy me more than others, particularly those that deal with sexuality and the body. Let’s have a look at ten of these.
MORE ORGASMS
Men are twice as likely to orgasm during any given sexual encounter than women. This is particularly true if you have hooked up with someone who is not a regular partner. Sure, a woman who orgasms easily is more likely than a man to have two or more orgasms during a particular sex encounter, but only if she has a partner that knows what he is doing. Believe me, for the vast majority of women, the chance for just the one would be a fine thing! Men could help bridge the orgasm gap by paying more attention to a woman’s physical responses and by being more willing — if not eager —to go down. Some men love giving oral sex; others do not. I call those men ex-boyfriends.
NO PERIODS
Yes, yes, women bleed for five days and we don’t die. Which makes us magical unicorns — cramped, annoyed unicorns who need a painkiller and some ice cream, but magical nonetheless. Sadly there is only one thing worse than having periods, and that’s the menopause.
LESS CHANCE OF BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED
Statistically speaking men are more likely to be victims of random street violence than women; women, however, are far more likely to be sexually assaulted or raped. Depending on where you live in the world, the chances of a woman being raped at least once in her life can be as high as one in three. In the States, it’s one in six. At twenty-one, I was nearly raped at knifepoint, and I was once beaten up by really big and aggro women. Guess which of these I use as a funny anecdote?
LESS CHANCE OF DYING BY SERIAL KILLER
Whenever a straight woman meets a man, she has to calculate the chances of him being a serial killer or figure out if he is inviting her home so that he can sell her into slavery or her organs on the black market. This is annoying at 3am, when you’d really like to get laid, preferably with an orgasm. According to FBI statistics, women accounted for 70 percent of all known serial killer victims between 1985 and 2010. Sure, the chances of anyone falling victim to a serial killer are minimal, but dammit, I still don’t like those stats. Serial killer equality for everybody!
BIRTHING BABIES
When my mother explained to me how babies come into the world, I was shocked and horrified. All these years later I see no reason to temper that reaction. Don’t tell me it’s beautiful and natural — birth is a freaking horror show of epic proportions. There’s pain, there’s the possibility of forceps, there’s cutting with scissors, and oh my bloody hell, there’s tearing! Giving birth is like Alien, except people expect you to smile and be happy afterwards. People are dicks.
REPRODUCTIVE FREEDOM
What do men have to do to prevent pregnancy? Wear a condom. That’s it — and yet, many guys resist the idea. As women are the ones who get pregnant, the responsibility of preventing conception falls a lot more heavily on our shoulders.
As the Miss Y case last year showed us, in Ireland, even a young, raped, suicidal immigrant woman is not allowed access an abortion under the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill. Once she becomes pregnant, a woman in Ireland is treated as less than fully human and as more of a walking womb. You are not deemed
worthy of an abortion in cases of fatal foetal abnormalities; and if you are brain dead, your family might just have to go to the High Court to switch off life support. If you can get the money together, then yes, you can travel to the UK or Europe for an abortion; if you can’t and you import the abortion pill, then you face up to fourteen years in jail.
In the United States where abortion has been legal since 1973, various states have been placing ever more restrictions on abortion services, making it more difficult to obtain one, and more and more women have been arrested for having a miscarriage. A woman in Indiana was recently sentenced to twenty years in jail for having a miscarriage. She was charged and convicted of feticide despite the fact that no traces of abortifacent were found in her blood.
MAN WHORES VS SLUTS
I once read an explanation that tried to justify the most common sexual double standard. Men, it said, were like keys and women were like locks. A key that opens many locks is a master key, whereas a lock that can be opened by any key is a pretty shitty lock. This is perhaps one of the dumbest things I have ever read — and I’ve read the Daily Mail. People are not inanimate objects and this analogy bypasses the important issues of choice and consent. The sexual double standard is not only unfair, it’s stupid and boring and results in a lot less people having happy sex. A woman’s sexual past is often used to judge or condemn her, but frankly I give exactly zero fucks for that, because if you want to pretend that it’s still 1915, that’s your loss.
FARTING, BURPING AND BODILY NOISES
I literally just farted. Twice. Loudly. It was very unfeminine and embarrassing as I am not alone in the office. Noisy bodily functions are generally seen as funny when a man does them, but as unladylike (ugh) when a women does. This is stupid. Everybody farts. Well, everybody except my ex-boyfriend. Seriously, I was with him for three years and he never farted once in all that time — dude wasn’t human.
GROOMING
Men don’t have to shave their legs or underarms. With the current fashion for beards ya’ll don’t even have to shave your faces anymore. Nor do you have to wear make-up. Okay, I guess I don’t have to wear make-up, but it is a lot less annoying than people asking me if Ia m ill; nor do I have to pluck and preen my body hair, but I’d get a lot less sex if I didn’t.
YOU CAN PEE STANDING UP
I think the advantages of this are self- evident. Yes, yes, women expect you to put the toilet seat down and clean up any droplets you may have splashed around — such an imposition! But weighed against never having to balance yourself over a portaloo with three pints under your belt, this is a biological advantage of the highest order.
That’s ten significant advantages to being a man. Don’t be giving me any gyp about how men have to work dirty, dangerous jobs — historically women were barred from them, and frankly not many men in Ireland are clamouring for the chance to work down a coal mine either. And yes, yes, men have historically been the ones to fight and die in wars — but for hundreds of years women were banned from being soldiers, and powerful men started the wars in the first place. Besides which, this is Ireland, which is a neutral country, so the chances of you personally being conscripted are minimal — unless the Russians keep violating our airspace as a prelude to aggression, in which case we’re all equally fucked. Nor will I entertain the idea that guys hunted and killed the mammoth. There is no historical evidence that all men hunted, or that women did not. Even if men did, then they wiped out the genus Mammuthus, which as every hunter knows is not best practice. You can’t rest on the laurels of your forebears, and picking up dinner on your way home is not the same thing.
Men also own most of the world’s resources and property. Maybe not you personally — but those other dudes do. And in many industries you earn more money for doing exactly the same job. Given the fact that you can pee standing up, this is just not fair. That’s why I am a feminist. Yes, you have me rumbled. I’m jealous!