Sex Column: What Happens When A Man Comes?

Here’s the weirdest fact you will read today — possibly this week. Women can become addicted to semen. Under the right circumstances, semen is a mood enhancer and an anti-depressant. I know: semen is useful for making babies — and a mess — but I wouldn’t have thought it a good substitute for caffeine or alcohol.
There is, of course, a physiological reason for this — or at least a scientific best guess. Seminal fluid contains sperm (obviously) along with hormones, sugars and even a soupçon of vitamins and minerals. It’s the hormones, particularly testosterone, that trigger the release of oxytocin — the feel good chemical — making the recipient feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Unfortunately, I have bad news for fans of blow jobs and men who love men. This chemical reaction only occurs in the vagina. The hormones are absorbed by the vaginal walls, causing the release of oxytocin.
I also have bad news for straight men. Although a woman may become addicted to semen, the vagina is not brand loyal — any old semen will do. A couple of instances of unprotected sex won’t necessarily cause her to want you on a regular basis either. It’s cum, not cocaine.
Instead, it is thought that, after a long period of time, a woman gets used to the positive chemical effects of semen. If she stops having sex, the withdrawal symptoms are increased irritability and anxiety. Plus, presumably, plain old-fashioned sexual frustration – which makes one cranky anyway.
However, there is some evidence that women suffering from untreated mental health issues may engage in unprotected sex in order to self-medicate and get a temporary boost of oxytocin. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and both have a clean bill of sexual health, this may not be the ideal treatment but it won’t hurt; if not, well, that’s pretty dangerous.
This strange little semen fact did get me thinking about the wondrous substance that is the male ejaculate. It really is quite fascinating. But first, a short biology lesson. People tend to use the terms “semen” and “sperm” interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.
Semen is the whole shebang, while the sperm cells are only one component — arguably the most important component from a genetic perspective. However, without the fluid, the sperm wouldn’t be able to swim and would wither before getting anywhere near the egg.
That any of them reach the ovum is something of a miracle. Most sperm, like your ex-boyfriend, are kind of useless. On average, 200 million sperm are set forth into the universe during each instance of ejaculation and most of them are crap. Between 85 to 95 percent of sperm have abnormal morphology. They may have two heads, a coiled tail, two tails, a pinhead or a whole variety of problems that make them outside contenders in the sperm race.
None of this makes a man infertile. Even someone with a higher than average number of abnormal sperm, should be able to become a father the old-fashioned way. However, it may take a little longer.
Curiously, it is thought that the high number of abnormal sperm is a side-effect of our (supposedly) monogamous relationships. Sperm may be racing to reach the ovum, but they are not — for the most part — trying to beat an entirely different genetic competitor. In mammals where the female mates with more than one partner at a time, the males tend to have more uniform sperm.
Even the tip-top sperm can be less than enthusiastic about delivering their genetic payload. Many of them have trouble swimming in the right direction, and spend their time getting lost or going in circles, like a drunk uncle at a wedding. It’s probably for this reason that sperm can live for up to two days inside a woman’s body — we have to give the lazy louts every chance of finishing the job.
Despite this lackadaisical attitude to conception, plenty of sperm do make it to the ovum. However, getting there is only half the job. The winning sperm has to get inside, and that’s no easy task.
Here’s another odd fact — when the lucky sperm finally reaches the egg, it turns into Bob the Builder. Each sperm’s head is topped with an oval shaped structure called the acrosome. It’s like a cross between a hard hat and, er, a multi-tool. The acrosome has a chemical mixture that allows the sperm to bore through the egg’s outer surface.
Although men manufacture sperm all day, every day, it takes a while for each and every one to be ready — around two months for a particular sperm to become fully functional. This, of course, doesn’t mean that there is a down time when a man has no viable swimmers. Instead it is like a factory production line. Sperm goes out into the world, new ones take their place, and more are being made in the background.
Although men continue to produce sperm throughout their lives, it doesn’t necessarily they can become fathers in their seventies or older. As a man ages, the quality of his sperm declines. An even greater percentage are abnormal and fewer of them can be arsed finding the ovum. What’s more, older sperm are more likely to have fragmented DNA too. Men, like women, have biological clocks.
There are lots more interesting facts about sperm and semen. For one thing, sperm are microscopically tiny at around 50 micrometers in length, and for another, the Y chromosome is passed down from father to son unchanged.
Despite all these fascinating facts, there are huge numbers of women, and men, who are a bit squeamish about semen. This attitude is perhaps understandable in women — after all, it’s not our biological soup and it may unexpectedly impregnate us. But it is really surprising in men, especially when it relates to their own semen.
I find this bizarre. After all, human sexuality, right down to the nuts and bolts is a highly engaging and interesting subject. Having said that — and despite my belief in the equality of the sexes — condom disposal is strictly a man’s job.
Honey, if it’s your mess, you clean it up!