Sex Column: Warnings About Rape Are All Very Well, But…

This September a Dublin woman was allegedly raped by a man she met through Tinder. In the wake of the report, Gardaí issued a warning, directed at young women in particular — don’t meet strangers you know only through the internet; but if you do, meet in a public place and, if possible, bring along a friend for the first date.

That’s all well and good – if we were living in 1954. In 2014, telling someone not to meet people they know only through social media or the internet is about as in touch with contemporary culture as it would be to suggest a chaperone. Besides which, going on a date with someone you’ve met online is no more inherently dangerous than going a date with someone you met in the pub – perhaps less so, if you glean enough information for a Google-stalk beforehand.
Now I realise that the Gardai had the best of intentions, but honestly, the various warnings and advice doled out to women in order to prevent themselves from becoming victims of sexual assault are impractical at best. In case you haven’t been paying attention, here’s a quick summary…
1.Don’t talk to strangers
By strangers I mean men. Don’t talk to men you don’t know. Although, if you ever want to have sex or a relationship or fall in love or get married, you’ll have to at some point. What’s that you say? Most victims know their attackers? Oh, in that case…
2. Don’t talk to people you know
Women are warned about stranger-danger since they are little girls, but you are far more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone you know, such as a neighbour, teacher, friend or acquaintance. To keep yourself out of trouble, you should avoid going to school or college or chatting with the folks next door. Stay home with your family! You’ll be safe there. Except…
3. Don’t be a member of a family
This is especially true for children. Family members and relatives are the biggest group of offenders where the rape of victims under the age of twelve, male or female, is involved. You’d better pack your bags and check yourself into the tender care of the State, where you’ll be safe. Except given what we’ve learnt over the past few years, nope you won’t be safe there either. Maybe live on the street? Or in Offaly? I don’t know…
4. Don’t wear revealing clothes.
It is a well-known fact that showing an excess of flesh turns the average male into a slavering monster. This is why most sexual assaults happen in public swimming pools. Except they don’t – because what you are wearing has nothing to do with assault. But, but… wearing a short skirt means you are a slut, and sluts well, they are definitely to blame if they get raped. So...
5. Don’t be a slut
Somehow having consensual sex with a partner or partners of your choosing means that many (awful) people will argue that you somehow wanted to be assaulted. This is why the defence loves to slut-shame victims in court. The logic goes something like this: “Well, Missy, since you had sex with Tom, Dick, Harry, Joe, John, Eddie and Damo, you must surely want to have sex with all the men? Every single one of them! No is not in your vocabulary, is it?” So, your best defence is to be a virgin. Except it isn’t – because virgins, and very young girls and boys are often sexually assaulted too…
6. Don’t be a flirt
Like being a slut, being a flirt is an open invitation to getting assaulted. After all, men don’t know the difference between friendly banter and consent. Except of course they do. Like your previous sexual history, the barristers who defend rapists like to imply that by flirting a victim was “asking for it.” Some people enjoy rough sex, and they are perfectly entitled to – but nobody asks to be non-consensually sexually assaulted. Non-consensual is the key word here. A woman is entitled to say no...
7. Don’t get drunk
So you like wine? Vodka gimlets? Single-malt whiskey? Too bad. You should have thought about that before you decided to be female. Like a short skirt or a low cut top, a drunk woman is apparently a siren call turning otherwise mild-mannered men into rapists. If you want to drink, do it in your own home. Not in the presence of family members or friends, obviously (see Rules 2 and 3), but by yourself, like a sad, lonely dipsomaniac. In all seriousness, drinking until you are blotto is a bad idea. But nobody gets raped because they had one too many – they are raped because somebody decided to rape them. Would being sober have meant you got away? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, the fault lies with the rapist.
8. Don’t walk alone after dark
Better catch the bus. Except, you’ll need to walk from the stop to your home and someone might follow you. Better catch a taxi. Except, that involves getting into a car with a stranger, probably a man. Better take your own car. Except, then you’ll have to walk into the parking lot or down the street by yourself where you’re parked. I think you’d be wisest to stay at home.
9. Don’t be alone with a man. But also don’t be alone without a man
What’s the most sure-fire way to get raped? Being with a man. What’s the best way to ensure assholes don’t hassle you, follow you home, grope you in public or otherwise sexually assault you? Being with a man. Yup, I know...
10. Don’t be alone with a woman
Statistically speaking, most sexual assaults are carried out by men, but women have been known to do so too. In fact, we have no idea how frequently women commit sexual assault because this is a crime that is widely under-reported. To be on the safe side, don’t be alone with a woman either.
It doesn’t take a genius to recognise that all of this is grossly insulting to women – and to men. I am all for taking sensible precautions if and when they are necessary. Don’t trust the crowd of rowdy people at a party? Get out of there. Getting a bad vibe from a date? Leave. Some weirdo has cornered your drunk friend and is trying to get her alone? Intervene. But the simple fact is, even if you follow all the rules, you could still be sexually assaulted.
No amount of rule-following can actually stop rape if there is a predator on the loose who is determined to find a victim. At best, following the rules may mean that this time it’s not you, it’s somebody else. You haven’t prevented rape, you’ve deflected it.
What would actually help prevent rape? I can think of a few things: proper sex education, including the importance of affirmative consent; better resources for the gardaí to investigate crimes; a greater willingness to prosecute; custodial sentences that reflect the seriousness of the crime; no fines in lieu of jail-time; and monitoring of released offenders, as rape has a high rate of recidivism. And while we’re on the subject, we could also do with better sensitivity training for gardaí dealing with sexual assault victims; more funding for sexual assault trauma units; more funding for rape crisis centres; better official support for victims willing to come forward; less victim-blaming so that more people are willing to report assaults; less slut-shaming of victims in court; and better access to counselling for both victims and offenders…
If you make the punishment fit the crime, and make it easier for victims to come forward, it might just act as a deterrent. Because there are some rapes that you sense might not happen if the perpetrator didn’t have a horrible, sneaking sense that they will most likely get away with it. Too many of them do…