Sex Column: 9 Things I Learned About Sex

Your whole life can change in an instant. Mine did on a Thursday evening when I popped into my local Spar to pick up some milk and a copy of Hot Press. On the cover, my favourite music magazine announced they were looking for someone to write about sex. Was that something I could do? Ooh, maybe...
From a very young age I have been fascinated by sex and sexuality, although my interest was initially academic not practical, and I’ve always loved to write. The opportunity to combine the two seemed right up my street, but first there was the small matter of winning the competition.
I sent in a sample column and a few weeks later I was asked to come for an interview. On a chilly December day just before Christmas I arrived at HP Towers. There I was, biting my lip and chatting to my inner goddess — who is a bit of a bitch — when an elegant blonde swished in and uttered the unforgettable words, “Mr Stokes will see you now.”
In his lair at the top of the building, Niall Stokes aka Our Glorious Leader was wearing a monocle and stroking a fluffy white cat.
“Here, hold Snowball!” he commanded in a deep sonorous voice. I reached for the cat, which sniffed me with interest before settling into my arms and purring happily. I thought the interview was going well until he had an accident and peed on the floor — the cat that is, not the editor-slash-super villain.
“Do you expect me to clean that up?” I asked His Excellency.
“No, Ms Sexton,” he cackled, “I expect you to write!”
Okay, that may not be exactly how it happened — close enough, mind you — but since you’re reading this, it is not exactly a twist in the tale to tell you that I was offered the chance to become HP’s sex columnist. Nope, the twist came later, when I realised that no matter how much I knew about sex there was always much more to learn. To celebrate the 900th issue of Hot Press, I thought I would tell you nine of the surprising, interesting or amusing things I’ve learnt since that fateful December day.
1. MOST PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT SEX
When I started writing the column, someone — not that I’m naming names — thought it would be a sterling idea to plaster my face on HP posters across the length and breadth of Ireland. This meant that every now and again people recognised me. But instead of throwing underwear in a frenzy of lust, or wanting to buy me drinks and bask in my new acquired
Z list sleb status, people wanted to ask me questions. They still do. These are almost always variations on the big question, which is: “Am I normal?” Chances are, you are. Plenty of people — including me — have a least one worry about sex or a fear that their desires are weird. Unless those desires involve non-consensual acts, children, animals or making sweet, sweet love to the strains of Nickleback, you’re probably fine. If you spot me out and about, feel free to ask me anything you like — but I wouldn’t object to a single malt for my trouble, thank you very much.
2. SLUT SHAMING IS A METHOD OF SOCIAL CONTROL
During my first year as HP’s sex columnist, I was surprised and dismayed by how many people assumed that writing about sex meant I had to be the sluttiest of sluts. To my everlasting shame my initial reaction was the wrong one — instead of contesting the term, I wanted to convince people that the label didn’t apply to me.
I have always believed women should be as free to explore and enjoy their sexuality as men, so being called a “slut” shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. I realised that underneath my kick-ass feminazi exterior I had accepted the sexual double-standard.
We are socialised to believe that men and women are different orders of being, and so we apply different rules and standards to them. I thought that my sexual behaviour was fine, but that certain other women behaved in ways that were wrong, or at least questionable. Sexist double-standards are presented as natural, biological and unchanging, but they are not — they are a method of social control which limits women’s ability to enjoy our sexuality and shames anyone who is seen to transgress the rules. I still don’t like the term “slut” but I have learnt that the problem is not with the word itself, and not with women to whom it is applied, but with a society that has yet to shake off the last vestiges of sexism.
3. PEOPLE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT YOU
Over the years I have been amazed by the strange assumptions people make about you if you write about sex — that I wouldn’t care about love or relationships; that I would never turn down anyone who wanted to shag me; that I have some kind of checklist I use to grade my lovers and whip them if they don’t comply; or that I prance around the streets handing out sex toys and lube to strangers. Well, that last one has happened... If I had a tenner for every time people told me I was nothing like they expected me to be, well then, I could buy everyone reading this a drink and still have enough money left over for a kebab. I’d like to think the real me is a nice surprise, but I suspect, that like many things in life, my relatively normality may have been something of a disappointment.
4. A SEX COLUMNIST SHOULD NEVER GOOGLE HERSELF
A few years back I decided to Google myself. It was, shall we say, an enlightening experience, but one I could have done without. People are mean!
5. TELEVISION IS A CRUEL MISTRESS
When I was a child I wanted to be an actress. I imagined myself swanning around in designer gowns with a rota of handsome actors to choose from. By the time I was a teenager, I had given up on this idea in favour of journalism (hmmm), but I was secretly delighted when I was first asked to take part in a television show. The glamour! Daytime RTÉ may not be the Oscars, but hey, it was still pretty cool. My friend taped the show for me and, later that evening, we sat down to watch it. Seeing yourself on television is approximately one thousand times worse than Googling yourself. You have to concede that those randomers who reckoned you were unattractive and annoying may have a point.
6. WE ALL NEED TO EXAMINE OUR ASSUMPTIONS
Every now and again I like to read my old columns. Some of these make me cringe because my attitudes have changed and I’ve grown and matured — or at least I’d like to think so. When I started writing the sex column, I assumed that you, my dear delightful readers, were all heterosexual and cisgender like me. Lots of my earlier columns reflected this assumption and so they were not inclusive of other perspectives and experiences. Although I doubt I always get it right, I try to be more aware of differences nowadays. After all, diversity is good.
7. EVERYBODY WANTS A SILVER BULLET
Every few years, some snake oil salesperson with a plausible manner convinces people that the easiest way to lose weight is by following their super-scientific, not-at-all- harmful, cabbage-soup-and-chili- powder regime. People fall for this over and over again because we all want a short cut to nirvana. It is the same with sex. People assume there is some magic trick that will help them become irresistible to the opposite sex or a limber-limbed god between the sheets. There isn’t. You can change your behaviour or add new techniques to your sexual repertoire, all of which may help, but there is no one piece of arcane knowledge that will unlock the mysteries of sex for you. Well, there is — open and honest communication with your sex partner or partners. But yup, I know that wasn’t the answer you wanted.
8. LOTS OF SEX ADVICE IS DANGEROUS
In the years I’ve been writing the sex column I have read hundreds of articles and books about sex. Some of these have been interesting and informative; lots of them have been troubling and downright dangerous. I read, and read, and read – voraciously – because I expected that other people knew more than me or had valuable insights. A lot of the time they don’t. Here’s one example: John Gray, author of the popular Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series of books, styles himself as a doctor, although his PhD is from an uncredited university. His books sell hundreds of thousands of copies, and people believe he is an expert. However his sex advice boils down to the idea that a woman’s pleasure is not as important as her partner’s, and that if a sex act is physically or emotionally uncomfortable, she should keep that information to herself. Even books by qualified sex therapists often recommend that women put their needs and desires second to their partner’s or put up with physical discomfort in order
to be a ‘good lover.’ This is terrible, terrible advice. Being open minded and experimental can make your sex life more satisfying, but if there is one thing I know for sure, ignoring your own needs is not the way to do this.
9. FAMOUS PEOPLE WILL ASK ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
Over my years of writing for Hot Press, I have had the chance to sit down with some incredibly talented people and ask them about their lives. On occasion, they’ve known about the sex column and asked me about mine. I once met Jim Sheridan on a night out, and not only did this charming, lovely man know who I was, he bought me a drink! In The Name Of The Father is one of my all time favourite films — and one that makes me cry every time I’ve seen it — so this was something of a surreal experience. But perhaps not as surreal as the time one of Ireland’s most beloved authors tended to my broken heart.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Maeve Binchy a year or so before she passed away. At the end of the interview she joked that she had been worried I was going to ask her about her sex life. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but somehow the conversation changed and Maeve began quizzing me about my romantic status, which at the time was in the doldrums. I had recently broken up with my long-term partner and had a tendency to cry into my pint when my friends least expected it. Good times! Maeve counselled me not to worry and told me how she had met the love of her life, Gordon Snell, in her late thirties. If she could find love, she assured me, I could too. I didn’t believe her, but she was right.
Writing for Hot Press has given me all kinds of opportunities I never thought I would have. But more importantly, some of the most amazing people I have ever met have toiled at Hot Press Towers. Without them, you wouldn’t have a 900th edition to read; but I wouldn’t have had as much laughter, joy, happiness, craziness and love in my life. And to think, I owe it all to an incontinent cat!