Sex Awards 2009

WORRYING TREND OF THE YEAR AWARD
Lingerie may be one of the few recession-proof businesses and as the global economy went into freefall, canny retailers decided it was time to revise classic boxers and tightie-whitie briefs. On the catwalks and in men’s magazines, hot young models could be seen wearing colourful kecks, extreme g-strings and one-sided briefs. The not so hot modelled a variety of ‘shapewear’ garments – vests and boxers offering ‘support’ and ‘compression’ and the mirdle – a male girdle designed to suck in that beer belly. From here it was only a hop, skip and a worrying jump to actual lingerie for men – lace-trimmed camisoles, frilly knickers and see-through G-strings. Fine if you’re crossing dressing on top as well, but – Jesus! – don’t do it underneath boys!

MOST RIDICULOUS HOMOPHOBE AWARD
Oh, there were plenty to choose from in 2009 – The Daily Mail’s Jan Moir for her grubby insinuations regarding the events surrounding Stephen Gately’s death and good old Fr. John Owen, who blamed the Catholic Church’s sexual abuse of children on gay men, for starters. But in terms of sheer ridiculousness you just can’t beat Michal Grzes from Poland’s right-wing opposition Law and Justice party who got into a snit because he believes his local zoo spent good money on a pink pachyderm. Eek! Horrors! A gay elephant! Ninio, the cause of all the fuss, has yet to reach sexual maturity, but so far he prefers the company of males.

THE GLAD TO BE IRISH AWARD
In a recent survey, 15,000 women from twenty countries gave British men the thumbs down for being lazy lovers – they achieved second place on the list of world’s worst lovers. Irish men, you’ll be glad to hear, came fifth on the list of the world’s best. Erin go bragh!

THE TACKY IN EVERY WAY AWARD
Iceland, the downmarket chain of UK supermarkets announced that it is developing an aphrodisiac pizza call Pizzagra – a contraction of pizza and Viagra. Oh clever! Not. Pizzagra toppings include artichoke, asparagus, ginger, garlic, onions, chocolate, strawberry and banana – all supposed aphrodisiacs. Iceland says the pizza should “set pulses racing and libidos leaping”. If enough British people can be fooled into thinking eating large amounts of fat and salt will improve their sex lives, then their silver star in the world’s worst lovers poll is truly deserved.

HARD SELL OF THE YEAR AWARD
They say that sex is the one thing that doesn’t suffer in a recession, but that’s not true this time around, particularly for sex workers. While legal brothels can offer discounts, special extras and two-for-one deals to get punters through the door, your average illegal streetwalker doesn’t have that luxury. Nicole Mary Scarpone, a 26-year old woman from North Carolina, tried to drum up business by breaking into an apartment and demanding that the three men inside each pay her $10 for her services. They declined and called the cops, proving that desperation is no more attractive in prostitutes than in regular folk.

WEIRDEST SEX TOY AWARD
There are some odd, pointless and scary looking sex toys out there – the chin strap-on, the huge 15” replica fist and the vibrating hairbrush – but the Doggie Lover Doll is surely the strangest. Now most dogs like to hump a leg now and again, but a sex doll for man’s best friend is taking this canine inclination to a whole new level. The Doggie Lover Doll is a rubber sex dog, which is available in three sizes and even comes with a tube of K-9 lube. Dunno… still think you’re better off buying Fido a chew toy. (Hey, Anne. You sure this isn’t really intended for doggie loving humans? – Sub Ed)

THE ‘LET’S HOPE THEY DON’T
HAVE CHILDREN’ AWARD
Every now and again you read something that makes you wonder if enforced sterilisation might just be a good idea, if applied selectively of course! If anyone deserves it it’s this lot – a Swedish study into sexual attitudes found that a number of young men think contracting a sexually transmitted infection is a badge of honour. While most men see an STI as a warning to be more careful or as an unlucky break, others see it as an affirmation of their manhood and as proof that they have been successful with the “ladies”. Yuuuuk.

WORST PICK-UP LINE OF
THE YEAR AWARD
Picture the scene – Dublin, Saturday night, October. The wind may be blowing the leaves from the trees and her hair into disarray, but our heroine (well, your columnist anyway) is in fine form and standing at the bar. Unfortunately it’s busy and although she has yet to attract the attention of the barman, this luckless lady does indeed catch the eye of Dublin’s worst flirt. “Hey! I saw you on television the other night. You’re that wan from Hot Press – the sex girl.” She concedes that this is true, although that’s not exactly how she would describe herself. “Jaysus! I’m dying for a ride,” he informs her. “Can I buy you a drink?” Our heroine thanks him but demurs. “Well, fuck you anyway. Are you a bloody lesbian or a frigid bitch? C*nt!”
Hmmm… Fail!