Learning About Sex: Student Special 2013

This September thousands of young women will be heading to college. College is of course a learning experience – or at least that’s the general idea. But is also the first time in your life that you are an adult, with adult freedoms and responsibilities, such as sex and studying and – ugh – laundry.

I learnt lots of important life lessons during college that have stood me in good stead to this day. As someone who is still involved in academic life, I thought I’d give you the benefit of my experience.
Here are twelve things I learnt about sex while I was in college.

1. Use contraception
You should always practise safe sex. You know that. Condoms are excellent protection against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases – but only if you use them correctly. Do you think that the (probably) inexperienced, (possibly) drunk young man you have dragged home knows how to put on a condom correctly? He may, then again he may not. Get yourself a box of condoms and learn the correct way to put one on. Get another box of condoms and keep them handy. I’d also recommend using the pill or, better still, an implant as these last up to three years. I mean as well as the condoms! Far better safe than sorry.

2. People will fancy you no matter what
You can spot a first year from a hundred paces – she’s the girl with the carefully tousled hair and the perfect make-up. As pressure and exams pile up, she will revert to the standard student look of tracksuit pants, ponytail and a crazed caffeine stare induced by one too many cafeteria coffees. Will men suddenly give her a wide berth? Not a chance.
The same is true for when you go out. If you like tottering around in five inch heels and wearing little more than an artfully designed negligee in public, more power to you. If you’d prefer something a little more comfortable and warmer, you’ll still get plenty of attention. I went through a stage of wearing hot pants in my first year at university. After that, I started dressing like a surfer dude with baggy shorts and dreadlocked hair (It was the mid-nineties – don’t judge me!). Yes, I got less male attention – by about 5 percent. Nor was I a luminous beauty – I was a freckled ginger who had a fondness for novelty hats, including a lavishly beaded fez, a woolly beanie, a pointed witch’s hat, and on occasion, kitchen utensils. You are surrounded by young, horny men and women and, trust me, not making a superhuman effort will have very little affect on your sexual appeal.
Nor do you have to be thin and beautiful. The closer you look to the Western ideal of skinny body, killer rack and swishy rich girl hair, the more admirers you will have, fine – but they’ll admire you from afar. Being ‘average’ looking will in no way affect your ability to pull. If anything, it’s a bonus. Good looks may help you to attract attention, but they don’t help you to sustain it. On a side note: boob size doesn’t count. Seriously, it doesn’t – all boobs are great.

3. Bad boys are not much fun
At some point you’ll date a bad boy. You are allowed to be tragically upset like a tear-soaked heroine in a Victorian melodrama. After that you’ll learn that bad boys are pretty much all the same, whereas good guys will always find different ways to be kind, considerate and great in bed. Besides which, it is much more fun to be single than to be in a horrible relationship.

4. Some guys need a little encouragement
Not all men stride across the world, or indeed the campus, like conquering colossi basking in the stares of admiring females. Some are shy and insecure, even though they have adorable chestnut curls or are ace-ing every exam. Sometimes you have to give them a nudge in the right direction. This is particularly true if the man in question isn’t a raving narcissist ­– and doubly true if they are Irish.

5. Be a good friend
Don’t leave your drunk friend at the less than tender mercies of strangers. A good friend will take you home, hold your hair back while you stare into the toilet and promise never to drink to excess again. That is the kind of friend you need – and you need to be.

6. Ditch the dude who can’t handle the reality of female bodies
Pubes and leg stubble are a fact of life. You cannot always be perfectly smooth. It’s time-consuming, and hair needs to grow back before you can wax it again. If the man in your life cannot deal with this, he’s not boyfriend material.
The same goes for your period. You are going to bleed once a month for the next thirty years or so. A man who refuses to have sex with you during this week is not a keeper. Exemptions may be granted for the first day or two when you feel bloated and yucky and for guys who faint at the sight of all blood. Truth be told though, if you use a condom and a towel on the bed, it is not much messier than regular sex. Besides which, lots of women find it easier to orgasm when they are menstruating and it can help to relieve cramps. Men who are willing to buy you tampons should receive bonus brownie points or blowjobs – the choice is yours.

7. Don’t blow guys who won’t go down on you
Most people love being on the receiving end of oral sex but some are not keen on returning the favour. Sometimes this is a result of a fear of getting it wrong – which is just inexperience, and easily cured. But if it is selfishness, don’t reward it as you are doing yourself, and every other woman, a disservice by encouraging bad behaviour. You could be upfront about this but if you prefer to conduct your sex life by way of hints and obfuscation, then the easiest thing to do is never give anyone oral sex until they’ve given it to you. You’ll never wait more than a week.

8. You will be judged on your behaviour
As the recent “Slane Girl” and Irish rugby threesome events confirm, women’s sexual behaviour has become grist for the Twitter mill. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t do what you want, but there is an abominably high price to pay for doing it in public and being caught on camera – or for sharing your experiences on social media.
Apps like Snapchat may delete your photos, but they can’t stop anyone making a screen shot and sharing your images with the whole world. Remember, love may be fleeting, but the internet is forever.

9. Embrace diversity
If you are a straight cis gendered woman, chances are most of your friends are too. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you meet women who are lesbian or trans, don’t write them off as weird or wrong. The same goes for people who are a different colour, class or nationality. The more diverse your group of friends, the more interesting life becomes.

10. Don’t be an asshole
Oh hell I was judgemental at nineteen. I thought that knowing all the latest obscure music and being friends with DJs, musos and band managers made me the shit – instead, looking back on it now, I was a shit. If having a clique of equally horrible stuck-up-their-own-hole friends and a nice line in withering comments makes you cool, then I would have been the coolest. Don’t be that girl. You may well spend the next year apologizing to people and being thoroughly ashamed of yourself.
Being an asshole is not only unfair on the people who have to deal with your insufferable behaviour, it also ruins your social cache amongst the men and women that are worth having as friends and partners. Sometimes your mother was right – if you can’t think of something nice to say, then keep your big gobby mouth shut.

11. Orgasms are good for your brain
A recent study found that orgasm increases blood flow, bringing nutrients and oxygen to the brain. This does not surprise me. I’ll let you in on my little academic secret – masturbating during my study breaks chilled me out and made it easier to concentrate. This – by the way! – was at home, in the privacy of my bedroom and not in the library. Context is everything! Sex is more fun, but time-consuming the night before an exam, and jerking off is no substitute for studying, but it really does help – as does a diet of oily fish and nuts. And finally…

12. Enjoy yourself
Are you having fun? I don’t care what your sexual desires are – if they are for multiple partners or the missionary, romance or roleplay – once you are old enough to be having sex, the base line for every sexual encounter is that it should be enjoyable and, of course, consensual. If it’s not, do not proceed.
There are, of course, many other things you’ll learn about sex during your college years – what you like and what you don’t like being among the most important. You should approach new ideas and new experiences, whether these are academic or sexual, with an open mind and a curious intellect. Your college years will be a richer and happier experience if you do.
As they say: it’s all to play for…