How we learn about sex

"Sex is something you do, but sexuality is something you feel.” So pronounced my best friend Humphrey. He likes to get philosophical over a pint. Well, mostly he talks shite, but every now and again he hits the nail on the head.

Sex is not so much a set of actions, as reactions. What you do, whether it’s the missionary position or swinging from the chandeliers, is not nearly as important as the way you feel about it.
This got me thinking about the way we are taught about sexuality growing up. For those of us who were, ahem, lucky enough to have it, sex education at school was a combination of biological fact, scare-mongering and Christian morality. The mind-boggling, overwhelming joy of sex and sexuality doesn’t rate a mention in these formative instructions. Firstly you get the sex as human Lego lecture – this part labelled A goes into this part labelled B. Basic biological fact, sex as human reproduction, nothing more. So don’t do it, unless you want to end up as a penniless single parent.
Once you’re equipped with the info, you get the sex is dirty lecture – or some variation thereon. The nuns at my school were armed to the teeth with videos, photographs and case studies of the variety of nasty diseases you can catch. On more than one occasion, they not only put me off sex, they put me off lunch. By the end of these lectures, hanging out with lepers seemed safer than chatting to the lads at the school down the road.
Finally, you get the sex is evil talk. Don’t do it (again!) or you’ll go to hell. Catholic dogma teaches that lust is a mortal sin, an ever-lasting splotch on your soul. Between the ages of 12 and 17, teenagers suffer from pimples and lust. It’s not pretty, not pretty at all, Mother Nature is a bitch, but that’s the way it is. But to be taught that sexual feelings, which unlike zits have no Clearasil to be applied as directed, are inherently sinful, is a terrible message to inflict on teenagers.
Our parents’ attitudes can have an enormous influence on how we relate to sex and sexuality. Too frequently parents’ advice is simply “Just Say No”. Which might be fine if sex was a Class A drug. But it isn’t.
Humphrey’s sex education took all of 15 seconds. His father called him in for the man-to-man talk and told him, “Don’t bring a girl home pregnant”. All in all, this was great advice compared to what was dished up to my friend Amber. Her mother’s idea of sex education was to tell her “Don’t be dirty until you get married.”
Luckily for me, my mother was fairly liberal and would answer any queries I had. My school friends would send me home with reams of questions, asking everything from the average size of an erection to what exactly was a 69. My old man was a bit more old-fashioned. When I was old enough to start dating he taught me rock and roll dancing and how to knee someone in the balls. Fine social graces I’m sure, but I’ve never needed to use either of them.
Now I’m not about to argue that sex can’t have some pretty nasty side effects. Of course it’s important to be informed and to take precautions. But why all the stress on the negatives? Why all of the fear and loathing? Why the inability to say, we do it for pleasure – and that’s OK. In fact, it’s not only OK, it’s a good thing. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake? Wonderful...
For far too long, the sexual fascists have had it all their own way. And I, for one, am pissed off about it. Sex and sexuality are part of the very nature of being human. And that’s a good thing. Actually, given anything like the right set of circumstances, it can be a gob-smackingly wonderful thing. Sexuality should celebrated, revered and respected, not vilified and denied.
Sex is not only good, it’s good for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Research has shown that people with happy sex lives live longer. It’s a physical workout that’s good for the body and the heart. In fact, sex seems to be good for all kinds of physical conditions. It can help you sleep better, eases pain and reduces a man’s chances of getting prostate cancer. So don’t lie back and do it for your country – do it for your health.
Sex releases endorphins that make you feel happy, loved and appreciated. It reinforces a positive self-esteem. Sex can also create, strengthen and nurture bonds between couples. Great sex makes you forgive and forget your partner’s foibles and idiosyncrasies. I’m pretty sure it’s the only reason I don’t have any desire to bludgeon Conor when he snores so loudly that I wake up thinking Armageddon’s arrived early.
These are all good excuses to shag away at every available opportunity, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the biggest motivating factor is that sex feels incredibly good. And it’s supposed to. Growing up, we should not be taught that sexuality is something shameful. We should be told how wonderful it is and that we have the right to enjoy it.
Life is full of enough stress, misery and taxes, but – certainly, if you come at it without guilt or hang-ups – sex is one thing that’s guaranteed to brighten your day.