How Not to be Bad at Sex.

Julie knew she had to dump Patrick, but she just couldn’t face it. Problem number one was that Patrick was a sweet guy – he was kind, considerate and charming. He was not the kind of man you’d get rid of for no good reason, but Julie had an excellent reason and that was problem number two: the sex – it was bad. So bad, in fact, that the thought of letting him touch her again made Julie recoil in horror.

Bad sex – we’ve all been there. Even me. Like Julie’s Patrick, he was a nice guy – not selfish, inconsiderate or unwilling to attend to my needs, but for some reason I was unmoved by everything he tried. To make matters worse, he was a friend and although we had an intense emotional bond, it just didn’t translate into a sexual connection – at least for me.
A lover that leaves you frustrated, unfulfilled or just downright miserable is not one worth keeping around – life’s too short and our pleasures are too few and far between to willingly forego good sex. As Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones memorably said: “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.”
But what exactly makes sex bad? Think about it – there may be hundreds of different techniques and positions, but most adults have a fairly good understanding of the basics. Part A fits into Part B – it’s easier than assembling a flat pack. Furthermore almost all of us want our partners to enjoy themselves, if only for our own sense of self-worth. So why does it sometimes go so horribly wrong?
For me, it was a case of “too niceness” – and shocking as it may sound, the person being too nice was me. I knew having sex with him was a mistake, but when someone you care about has decided he’s in love with you it seemed heartless not to try and overcome the nagging feeling that you would rather just be friends. Unfortunately if your head and heart are not engaged in a sexual experience, your body won’t be either.
For Julie the problem was harder to pin point.
“It’s like our bodies don’t fit together,” she said. “He keeps grinding his hips into mine. It doesn’t seem to matter what position we’re in, it’s painful, but not in a good way.”
After the first time Julie thought they needed to get used to one another, but as the weeks went by, the problem persisted. Worse still, Patrick didn’t seem to notice that she never reached orgasm.
Perhaps he just doesn’t care, I suggested, but she shook her head.
“I don’t think that’s it. I think he’s just so bad that he’s never made a woman come so he doesn’t realise there’s an issue.”
Julie couldn’t bear to tell him the truth. It seemed too cruel, especially since he was such a nice guy – she didn’t want to hurt his feelings; instead she started avoiding sex. A headache here; a menstrual cramp there – any excuse she could think of.
You can’t keep doing this, I told her, and she agreed.
“But what the fuck am I supposed to say?” she asked. “You’re lovely but I’d rather eat my own eyeballs than have sex with you again? And I’m not sure exactly what he’s doing wrong, so it’s not like I could ask him to change. It’s a pity, because I really liked him.”
Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, two people may just be sexually incompatible. It could be chemical, emotional or physical but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.
However, quite a lot of the time sex is disappointing because one – or both – people are being inconsiderate, selfish or just plain lazy.
After a few early unsuccessful fumblings most people figure out there is a right and a wrong way to approach a sexual experience. Women learn that most blokes don’t appreciate teeth scraping along their precious manhood, men figure out where the clitoris is and most of us realise that Shakespeare got it right about alcohol when he wrote that “it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”
Most importantly we learn that different people like different things. “I think when you sleep with someone it is essential to find out what turns them on,” my friend Ciz said – which is good advice. But not everyone has twigged it. When Tríona had sex with Barry, for example, she felt like less like a participant and more like the audience.
“He was pulling out all these moves, chopping and changing position every five minutes,” she said. “It was like he was having sex at me, not with me. I didn’t know if I was supposed to applaud or orgasm. I told him to chill out, but he got upset. After that, the whole thing was a total flop if you know what I mean.”
Sex therapists and relationship counsellors will tell you that it’s necessary to communicate what you want to your lover, but obviously this can have its pitfalls. Barry didn’t appreciate direction, and perhaps he would have agreed with Olivia, who disliked partners who want to choreograph the event.
“I hate it when someone constantly tells you what to do,” she said. “The last time someone tried that on me I got so annoyed it never got to sex. I developed a stomach cramp and went home.”
Olivia seems to have got off lightly compared to Clodagh, who sent me a litany of complaints.
“Bad sex? If someone is only half heartedly thrusting it into you; not up for changing positions; doesn’t want any foreplay – just straight in for the kill without loosening you up first and no kissing; if the guy is trying to have sex with a semi – that’s very annoying; or if he comes after a minute and rolls over to sleep. You may as well sit on the washing machine – more pleasure!”
Jesus, the poor girl!
“Oh and fanny farts! They’re a real mood killer,” she added. Which is true, and they’re embarrassing, but the dreaded queefing only happens when the sex is pretty good. In sex, like life, you can’t have everything.
Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that up to now it’s been the girls having a gripe. But men have a complaint or two of their own.
“I hate it when someone goes all Mr Hyde on you and starts talking dirty in an aggressive manner and you just want them to shut up,” said Colum. “Especially when they seemed so nice before. It’s like schizophrenia or something. It’s kind of scary!”
“The worst is lack of enthusiasm,” said Humphrey. “When someone is having sex but they don’t seem to be all that interested in it. That and sex that’s routine – you know what I mean?”
Sad to say, unfortunately I do.
“Fear, insecurity and power games,” said Jonathan. He wasn’t the only one who felt that the ladies needed to be a little less self-conscious.
“I really hate it when a woman is insecure about her body,” said Jim. “If I didn’t find her attractive I wouldn’t have sex with her more than once. Well, maybe twice. But if I keep coming back, I like you, so chill out.”
“I don’t know anything about bad sex myself, but I’ve a great story that happened to a friend,” said Alan. “He’d been having sex with a woman and when they were done she pulled out a huge vibrator. Can you believe that?”
Making your lover feel inadequate is certainly rude, but him being ‘done’ is different from her being ‘done’. Besides there’s lots of guys who’d queue up to be part of the action.
“Maybe so, but she asked him if she’d see him again. He said ‘No, I can’t compete with that thing’.”
If my respondents are correct then you would think that not being a bad lover is fairly straightforward: find someone you are relatively compatible with and don’t do any of the things listed above (unless you’re invited to!). But even then, you’re not guaranteed to please everybody – or at least not my friend Gary.
He lit up a cigarette and sighed. “Sex always gets boring eventually – there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Really, I asked, dismayed at this rather dire prognosis.
“Oh yes,” he said. “You see, the worst thing that can happen to sex is reality.”