How can I get laid?

Three times this week, strange men have approached me with the same burning question: How should they go about getting laid? I was really surprised at the blokes that asked me. They seemed like perfectly lovely guys, good-looking, chatty and well-scrubbed. No bizarre diseases, evil smells, bad breath, greasy hair or any other imperfections that would make the average girl run for the hills despite her four-inch heels.

I want the whole country to be having fantastic sex. Forget the work place smoking ban, regular sex is the one thing guaranteed to make the whole nation a healthier and happier place. People who are having joyous romps between the sheets are getting great exercise, smile more, and are more disposed to love their fellow man or woman. So in the interests of public health, I’ll let you in on a few secrets.
It’s a cliché that girls have no trouble pulling men and getting regular sex. This is only partially true. I have a friend who seems to magnetically attract weirdos. She is perfectly sane, but put her within 20 metres of a fruitcake, and he’ll sniff her out and ask to drink her blood or tell her all about his collection of doll’s clothes. It’s happened to me too. I once went on a date with a taxidermist who asked if I’d let him stuff my body after I died. On my second date with Richard, he offered to be my slave. I thought he was joking so I asked him would he lick my shoes. He crawled down on the floor and slobbered all over my dusty boots, not even waiting till I got my stilettos on!
The problem with these guys is that tend to get in the way of all of the other fellows who are queueing up! So if you are reasonably sane, rest assured, plenty of girls will be glad to meet you.
Whether you’re looking for true love or casual sex, there are no hard and fast rules for attracting the opposite sex. My ex Gerard’s trick is not to flirt at all. He’s friendly and chatty, and pretends to have no agenda. This works really well, as girls generally respond by flirting with him. A neat use of reverse psychology, that.
My friend Vernon is a shameless flirt. He’d flirt with a lamppost if there was nothing better on offer. He is so brazen that it’s impossible to take offence. I’ve never asked how many girls he’s had sex with, but he has kissed every single girl I know. That includes my sister, my best friend, my college housemate, all his friends’ girlfriends and me. Not bad going for a short, skinny accountant.
Honesty is often the best policy. Being upfront about your intentions can work in your favour – besides which, gentlemen should never lie. My friend Andrew is single and loving it. He’s honest about keeping things casual, and women flock to him like moths to the proverbial flame. Far too many men think that if a woman wants to see them more than once, she is looking for a great romance complete with violins, white swans and a spring wedding. Women are not all anxious to be shackled down in the suburbs with a mortgage and 2.5 children. And even if we were, what makes you think it would be with you?
Often men strike out because they are far too keen. We like to believe that you are attracted to our good looks, conversation, intelligence and charm. Trying to persuade someone to come home with you after five minutes looks like you’re desperate to shag anyone. This may be true, but it’s not good for a woman’s ego. Sure, every now and again you’ll strike it lucky, but you’ll at least double your chances by asking for a phone number instead.
Now I hate to confess this, but women can be really shallow. There are a number of things that are likely to put you out of the running immediately. For me, these include tucking your t-shirt into your jeans, white socks with black shoes, large quantities of hair gel, cheap aftershave, grotty teeth, dirty fingernails, lots of jewellery and white shoes.
My list of no-nos would have to include ties. Conor has a pale blue and yellow monstrosity that I am planning to burn when he’s not looking. He’s sweet, sexy, amusing, and intelligent. I love him madly, but if he’d been wearing that horror the first time we met, I’d have turned away in disgust. Sad, but true.
Unfortunately, I can’t give you a comprehensive list as every female has at least one deal breaker, but if you’re not getting lucky at all, you might try asking your female friends for some fashion tips. It could be your mustard jersey, unflattering glasses or dodgy haircut. Trust me, they’ve been dying to tell you, but don’t want to hurt your feelings.
On Friday night one of Conor’s colleagues was complaining to me that he hadn’t met any women since moving to Dublin. I invited him to join us, but he went home instead. The whole country is awash with single people, but none of them are in your home, so get out and socialise. Don’t hang out in the corner or get tanked up on Dutch courage. Come over and say hello.
Maybe we’ll like you, maybe we won’t, but you’ll never know unless you try. Just remember, use your smile and carry a condom. And if all less fails, you can always pretend to be a famous footballer.