Don't say you love me

Maureen knew her relationship with Des was over as soon as he insulted her breasts.

“They’re really small,” he said. “Have you considered getting them fixed?”
Fixed! What the hell was he thinking? There’s many a slip twixt A-cup and lip, and he’s just fallen right down, never to rise again. No girl likes to be told her assets are inadequate, especially in an intimate situation. Worse still, he’d called them her baps, a term Maureen abhors, then pinched her nipples.
“I knew I could never love him after that,” she told me.
An incorrect name, weird requests, embarrassing revelations or insults – we’ve all said the wrong thing to a lover or been on the receiving end of a remark that failed to move us, except towards the front door.
Some of these are by accident; others are surely by design. The wrong remark, carefully calculated, can be an effective, passive aggressive way of ending a relationship or ensuring your casual carnal buddy storms off, leaving you with the bed and the blankets all to yourself.
While most of us would probably regard something like, ‘I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t think it’s contagious’ as pretty much the pièce de résistance of unpleasant post-sex remarks, Triona can think of at least one thing that’s worse.
“The thing I hate the most is ‘I love you’,” she reckoned. “What the hell are you supposed to say to that?” Not the most romantic of girls, is the lovely Miss T, but she does have a point. In my experience the only polite response is to look delighted and return the compliment. Anything else such as ‘Er, thanks’, ‘I love me too’ or ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ is bound to be insulting.
While it’s certainly no fun being on the receiving end of an unwanted ‘I love you’, it’s far worse making the big declaration only to have it blow up in your face. In life there’s no Command Z button (or Control Z for you poor PC users). What’s said cannot be unsaid and the sex can no longer be casual with an ‘I love you’ hanging around like an unwelcome uncle at a family gathering.
Of course there are other, more unusual ways to ruin your relationship.
“With this particular guy, I had a terrible habit of giggling at inopportune moments for no apparent reason,” said my friend Michale. “This understandably was the beginning of a downward slope, so to speak. The more I tried not to laugh, the more I did – and no amount of explaining could reassure the poor guy that it was just me being giddy and nothing to do with his efforts.” The romance didn’t last, proving that while sex is fun, it’s no laughing matter.
My ex-boyfriend William had three girlfriends in a row all named Sandra. I envied him his foresight when one night I called him by his brother’s name. He forgave me once but then, a few nights later I did it again. By the third time he was so pissed off he walked out and didn’t talk to me for a week. Why did I do it? I don’t know. Like Michale, the more I tried to stop myself, the more the wrong name was on my mind. Freud said there were no accidents and maybe he was right. William’s brother was a hottie after all.
You’d think that since the fairer sex are supposed to be more sensitive than men we’d be less likely to insult and offend those who share our beds. Not so. Didn’t you know? Girls are mean!
Getting naked with someone involves a certain amount of vulnerability so it’s no wonder that many people need a little liquid lubrication before they are happy to do so. Alcohol loosens inhibitions but it also loosens the tongue and herein lies the (occasional) problem.
Louise, not a woman to mince her words at the best of times, recalled losing all sense of tact during a drunken one-nighter while at college.
“After a bit of fumbling around, he took off his boxers and I took one look at his assets only to realise my thumb would give me more pleasure and I said ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ Then I got up and left.”
While that’s probably the cruellest thing a girl could say, Alan was on the receiving end of one almost as bad. He was lying in bed, having the post-coital chit chat with his partner only to be informed that his mate, with whom she’d previously dallied, had a bigger cock than him. “Was that just insensitive of her?” he asked me. “Or was she winding me up?” He was angry, understandably, but he took the high road. “I had to bite my tongue not to tell her that her breasts looked like avocadoes and she kissed like a hobo.” Strong words indeed, sir!
Anthony thought he was getting a pretty impressive compliment when a girl he’d had sex with told him he was the best shag she’d had, until she ruined it by qualifying her remark with “so far, today.” “My brain did a galactic retake after that,” he said.
One of the benefits of a one-night stand is that since you are with a stranger you can let go of your inhibitions and fulfil your deepest sexual desires. That’s the theory anyway. In practise, it ain’t always so.
Humphrey had been flirting with a girl he met in the pub. They chatted, drank cocktails and he thought he’d hit the lottery when she invited him back to her place.
“We were kissing and fooling around and then she told me to hurt her, so I smacked her on the arse. Then she said, ‘No, hurt me’ so I smacked her a bit harder. She started to get a bit cross because I wasn’t hitting her hard enough. Eventually she told me to punch her in the face.”
So what did you do, I asked him.
“I put on my pants and left.”
Which is what any one with an instinct for self-preservation would do. In an ideal world you’d be alerted to the fact that a particular person was weird, rude, just plain crazy or had a totally incompatible sexual appetite to you before having sex with him or her. That way you can make an informed choice. But for many people the combination of lust, dark interiors and, let’s be honest here, booze can mean that they have no real idea of who or what they’re dealing with. On the plus side though, they have no idea what you’re really like either, and for many of us, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
In matters sexual and romantic, it’s a cliché that you should at all times a) be yourself and b) be honest. That, my dears, is total bollocks. The truth is there’s no quicker way of ruining a beautiful romance than by opening your mouth – unless it’s to perform oral sex, of course!

Sex Tip: Seven Step Programme
What the best way to improve the quality of your sex life? The classic sex manual The Lovers’ Guide suggests this seven-step programme for women to help them get in touch with their sensual and sexual selves.
1. Pamper your senses
Stress can dampen the desire for sex. A little pampering, such as a hot bath with oils and candles can help you to relax and put you in touch with your sensual side.
2. Enhance masturbation
Instead of focusing on orgasm, spend time enjoying the experience of masturbating, finding your sensitive spots and touching them in different ways.
3. Indulge in fantasies
Spend more time fantasising. Fantasies are a normal part of most people’s inner lives and some couples find that sharing fantasies or even acting out a few can lead to increased intimacy.
4. Embrace emotional intimacy
Communicating your needs and desires is important for great sex in the long-term. If you can’t communicate, you become distant to each other and that affects your sex live.
5. Walk sexy, talk sexy, think sexy!
Turn the negative voices in your head to positive ones reminding you of all the good and attractive qualities you have. If you think you are sexy, other people will too. Aim for quiet confidence, though, not brash self-obsession.
6. Create a sensual love nest
The little things like clean sheets, warm colours and scents can make your bedroom feel more like a sensual haven instead of a room for sleeping. If you have a full-length mirror, position it to get a good view – easiest trick in the book but very effective.
7. Keep talking
Talking during sex helps break down barriers between a couple and can lead to more expressive and intimate sex. But make sure it’s not about the property slump…