Christmas Is A Great Time For Perverts Everywhere

What will go on behind closed doors this Christmas? Quite a lot it seems. If you think that the average Irish sex life is about as exciting as a wet Sunday, you’d be very wrong, not to mention very unlucky, indeed.

Most of us have an abiding curiosity in other people’s sex lives. There are more than a few magazines and papers whose sole idea of hard news is who’s shagging who in the murky world of celebrities, footballers and Page 3 girls. Who’s done what, with whom, how often, where, why and when? But normal people’s sex lives are just as interesting as – if not more interesting than – those who generate all those hard column inches. Christmas is an especially busy time for sex fiends, what with office parties, sex toys as presents and lots of spare time in which to indulge our appetites – all of them, that is.
Why are we so fascinated with what people get up to when they get down? You could say it’s just nosiness or cheap thrills. But, with the thought of Santa Claus and what he might bring to me in mind, I’ve been reflecting on this – and I think the reasons go deeper than that. If sex was simply a matter of in-out missionary position monotony, we wouldn’t care less. Luckily for us, not to mention the tabloids, sex is endlessly fascinating (as are the potential presents, dear reader). Therefore our curiosity about other people’s sex life is partially educational. There is always something new to learn or try.
Secondly, it’s reassuring to be informed about what other people enjoy sexually. When I was younger, I was afraid to reveal some of my desires to my boyfriends. Our sexuality is intimately entwined with the way we see ourselves – and the way we imagine others will see us. It can be a delicate area, and to have a horrified lover say “You want to do what?” and walk out on us is something we want to avoid. But what are the parameters? Well, knowing that you’re not the only one who has fantasies and fetishes of a particular, shall we say, hue can come as a great relief!
If there is one thing I’ve learnt it’s that the average person is a bit of a part-time perv. It’s more likely that your partner will be curious rather than shocked by anything you may suggest. Unless it involves barnyard animals, of course. We all have to draw a line somewhere.
It is in this area that presents can come in very handy. A new toy – or whatever! – can suggest a whole fresh set of possibilities. And it can also get you and your partner talking about maybe, mmmm, trying, mmmm, that, mmmm, if, mmmm, you’d LIKE to…
Being able to ask someone how they felt about a particular sexual act is worth all the Lover’s Guides in the world. You can pump them for information or discuss any reservations you may have. With certain sexual practises the idea of pain, – or worse unsightly bodily fluids – is a lot more frightening than the reality. No matter what you’ve read, seen or heard, nothing beats being able to get the dirt from a friend.
According to the Durex Global Sex Survey, almost half of us have used handcuffs, blindfolds or sex toys. Interesting as those figures are, they still leave a lot of questions unanswered. Since Hot Press is unfaltering in it’s dedication to telling you what’s really going on, it was time for me to pull my weight. Thus, I have spent the past fortnight delving into other people’s sex lives to find out exactly what happens beneath the sheets.
Getting people to tell you their most intimate sex secrets is no easy task. There are two ways to go about this – you can have sex with them or get them drunk. Since I had only two weeks in which to conduct my survey, I had to dismiss sleeping with the entire country, or even a representative cross-section, as impractical.
Luckily though, given a small libation or two, most people are willing, even eager, to talk about sex. It’s quite amazing what people will tell you – if you’re brave enough to ask. So what have my representative sample been up to in the last 14 days? Between bouts of regular shagging in a variety of positions and places, among the carnal activities that people happily ‘fessed up to were anal sex with dildos, bondage, cross-dressing, group sex, homemade porn, rimming and water sports. All good clean fun, as they say…
I have always believed that whatever happens between consenting adults is acceptable behaviour. Another person’s kinks may not be to your taste, and that’s fair enough. But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. We all have deep desires and sexual quirks. It’s normal. If your greatest pleasure is to lick the inside of your partner’s arse or you enjoy having your clitoris stimulated by your partner’s nose, chances are you are not alone.
The body has an amazing capacity for pleasure and the human imagination is boundless. Put these two factors together and its not surprising that we have come up with hundreds of ways in which to enjoy our sexuality. And a good thing it is too.
The media may be saturated with sex, but for the most part these images of sexuality are fairly conservative – young, attractive heterosexuals romping gleefully in tidy bedrooms. But sex in the real world is far more complicated and exciting, and altogether dirtier than that.
It’s easy to find hundreds of articles on the benefits of Tantric sex – but try finding a single article in the glossies extolling the virtues of anal or water sports and you’ll be disappointed. Luckily for you lot, you have me – and I am a shameless hussy.
Which is why I am anxiously waiting to see what Santa will add to my already excellent arsenal of sex toys. Another vibrator of a different colour, shape or size? A whip, perhaps, with which I can tame the rampant beats that is my Conor when he is in full flight? A new set of Chinese love beads – a device that can come in handy for all sorts of eventualities and purposes? A different uniform, the better to enjoy some of the role-playing in which I have been known to excel, when the mood takes me? A fine piece of exotic porn to get me in the mood for a really long and experimental session? A jumbo box of Durex to cater for all the nights and days of unbridled passion that lie ahead?
What people will be getting up to behind closed doors this Christmas is their own business – but you can tell Anne all about it if you want. Me? I’ll be making the most of the time off – and enjoying the fruits of what Santa brings. I can’t wait. I’m feeling horny already…

Oh no you shouldn’t have... Anne’s Christmas Wish List

A weekend in Prague
Nice hotel, romantic walks, lots of good sex – you know the kind of thing

Apple iPod
Bono says that this is a sexy piece of technology and he’s always right, isn’t he?

Lingerie – and lots of it!
Nothing too pricey needed though – this is to be ripped from my body in a mad fit of passion at the first opportunity.

Clinique Happy perfume
Well, you do want me to smell delicious, don’t you?

Books and CDs too numerous to list
All sex and no culture would make Anne a dull girl to be hanging around with the rest of the time – go on, surprise me with your good taste!

This issue's Top Sex Tip: Female Ejaculation:

It may come as a surprise to you, but many females are able to ejaculate. The female ejaculation is a gush of fluid from the urethra during orgasm. Female cum is clear and odourless and is produced by a small organ called the “female prostate,” or urethral sponge, which is located between the urethra and the vagina. The ability to ejaculate generally means extra intense orgasms for the woman. Needless to say, many men find it a great turn-on.
Some women are able to ejaculate easily, but most require some serious G-spot stimulation. This causes the urethral sponge to swell with fluid, which is then expelled during orgasm.
It’s best to lay a towel on the bed before you begin, as the amount of fluid released varies and can sometimes be considerable. Get comfortable, as achieving ejaculation can take half an hour or more. Have some lube handy to get started or in case she starts to feel dry.
First its necessary to get her aroused. Begin with foreplay of a kind that you know she likes (or wing it if this is your first time!) and then proceed to stimulating the clitoris. Once she’s wet enough, insert two fingers into her vagina. Remember the G-spot is an inch to two inches inside the vaginal entrance on the front wall. You will feel a round, roughened area. Stroke against this area, using firm pressure. It should enlarge and begin to feel slightly harder. Some people find it easier to stimulate the G-spot if the woman is on her hands and knees. You then insert your fingers from behind, pressing down on the G-spot instead of up.
As your partner gets close to coming, she will start to feel as though she needs to urinate. That’s the cum, about to explode. There can be a bit of anxiety here (but remember, girls, that it is nearly impossible for a woman to pee while having an orgasm). The muscular contractions close off the bladder and prevent the passage of urine.
In order to ejaculate, the woman has to relax and go with it, pushing down and out, using the same muscles she would if she was peeing. As she comes and ejaculates, she should feel really strong orgasmic pleasure. It may be a little hard for her to relax if she is afraid she’s going to piss, so you may need to try this a couple of times before you’re successful. Like many things in life, practice makes perfect.

The Sex O'Clock News:

Sleeves and the City:
Lux Soap promotional posters featuring Sex And The City’s Sarah Jessica Parker had to be removed from billboards in Israel after complaints by ultra-Orthodox Jews. Parker’s spaghetti strap dress was deemed to be too revealing – and complainants threatened to boycott Lux manufacturer, Unilever. Unlike Sex And The City’s makers, the soap folk were not keen on causing controversy and have since replaced the offending photo with a new picture of the actress in a long-sleeved outfit.

For the Man who has Everything:
Serbian designer and tie maker, Neven Vrgoc, hopes to launch a new range of penis cravats this year. Vrgoc suggests that the ties should be worn to create a good impression on a first date, or should be bought as gifts by women who are mightily satisfied with their partners. “There will also be a special certificate of excellence that will go with the tie and on which the woman will be able to fill out details of the individual’s performance.” The designer hopes to have a full range of penis cravats in the shops for Christmas. Odd indeed, but I suppose it’d make a change from socks.

Stimulation for Ears and Eyes Books:
Anyone who is interested in the fascinating life of the male member should get hold of A Mind Of Its Own: A Cultural History of The Penis by David M. Friedman. Friedman explores historical, anatomical and cultural perceptions of the penis from ancient to modern times, taking in everyone and everything from the Egyptians to Da Vinci, psychoanalysis, feminism and Viagra. A Mind of Its Own is thoughtfully written, informative and probably the most comprehensive history of the nob available. Order online from Easons at www.buy4now.ie (Û20).

Web:
I love Mexican artist Omar Fabian’s website, Pornocha. The site features a collection of pop art erotic pictures and aims to pay homage to porn, bad taste, women, pop culture and auto-exploration. In addition to his own work, the site has an online magazine, with drawings, 3D pictures and photographs. Flash is needed for this site. See www.pornocha.com.

Sexton’s Miscellany:
Shagging for Better Health:
We all know that sex makes you feel great, but it also has numerous health benefits. Here’s what the scientists say.
*Sex makes you beautiful. When women have sex they produce the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and the skin smooth.
*Gentle lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
*Sex once or twice a week boosts the immune system slightly.
*Sex provides a gentle but effective total body work-out and stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body,
*Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
*Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. Scientists conclude that it is up to10 times more effective than Valium.
*Kissing is good for your teeth and gums. Kissing encourages saliva and this lowers the level of acid in the mouth, which causes decay and plaque build-up.
*Sex relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
*Lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine and can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Oh, and that’s just the start of it!