Beating the lust: four easy steps to celibacy

Sex is an exhausting business. Why anyone bothers is beyond me. All that grinding and sweating is undignified and merely messes up a beautifully made bed.
For too long, the Irish media has been spreading the message that sex is enjoyable. Lies! Be warned! Anyone who enjoys sex is warped. Like hard-core drugs and stamp collecting, sex is a habit that’s hard to break. Just say no. Satisfy your partner once and, generally speaking, they come back for more. It’s addictive. All across Ireland, innocent men and women are consulting sex manuals, seeking even more thrilling sexual experiences. It’s a disgrace.
The desire for sex can interfere with the more important things in life – watching re-runs of Friends, painting your nails or doing the ironing. Even the most educated of people can find themselves drawn to sex. The latest statistics reveal that large numbers of Irish adults engage in intercourse over 100 times a year! This has got to stop. If your partner is plagued by lust, there are some things you can do to help. Follow these easy steps and beat the sex trap.
The Lazy Lover
Did you know that one of the most common sexual fantasies of both men and women is a partner that takes charge? We may not like to be bossed around in real life, but most of us would be happy enough to do as we are told between the sheets. A sure way to dampen your lover’s ardour is to always be passive. When having sex, demand to be on the bottom.
If you are a bloke, insist this is for your woman’s pleasure. Should she request you be more active, refuse. Suggest that your dominating her would be an insult to the gains achieved by feminism. Don’t forget to look smug.
Remember to insist upon oral sex every time your partner approaches you. Don’t ask. Simply wave your genitals in her face. Ensure you never return the favour. You don’t want there to be any reason for your partner to enjoy the sexual experience. If they do, they are likely to make even more frequent requests for intercourse.
Most people enjoy sex more with a partner who takes an active role in the proceedings, at least now and again. By refusing to be anything more than a passive participant, your partner will eventually get bored and stop trying to seduce you.
You want to do what?
While laziness is a good place to begin, you should also decline to try anything new, no matter how innocent a request it may seem. Don’t hear them out to find out what it is they want to do, or why the idea excites them. Any requests should be met with a point-blank refusal.
There are hundreds of sexual positions, but most Irish people know about 10. That’s nine too many of course, but every now and again, your partner may think that expanding your repertoire of sexual positions is a good idea.
Like any other sexual requests, it wise to nip this in the bud immediately. Look shocked and hurt. Use guilt to your advantage and cry if necessary. If this doesn’t work, a casual remark that he or she may be a sexual deviant is recommended.
People who practise the same old routine week after week soon get bored with sex and report lower levels of desire, whereas trying out something new is a sure-fire way to revitalise your sex life. Do this and chances are great that your partner may be keen to have sex on a more frequent basis. Before you know it, he or she will have brought home the Illustrated Kama Sutra and will be insisting you trythree new positions before breakfast. You have been warned.
Silence is Golden
Human beings like praise. Compliment a man or a woman on a job well done and they’ll be keen to keep up the good work. Luckily, the reverse is also true, and even the horniest of people will be put off by a sexual partner who does not seem to share their enthusiasm. The easiest way to communicate just how dull you find the sex is to say nothing at all.
It is possible that you may enjoy sex. Yes, this does make you a pervert, so don’t let your partner know. No matter how good sex is, never say anything complimentary about your lover’s technique. If your partner is getting it wrong, never reveal what turns you on. If you do, they may want to try it.
For women who find it impossible not to say anything during sex, restrict yourself to topics of a non-sexual nature. This should help cool your partner’s desire. Nagging is particularly effective. While lying on your back, to give a running commentary any DIY jobs that need to be done to the bedroom. Should your partner actually be rather handy with a Black & Decker, make scathing comments that at least he knows how to work one tool.
Optional Extras
If your partner is particularly unlucky and is frequently troubled by thoughts of a sexual nature, you may need to try some advanced techniques to put them off. There are a couple of tricks you can try.
Talking incessantly about your ex can help. Remember to praise your former lover, making your current partner feel inadequate. A well-placed insult about your partner’s body is useful too. Suggestions that your partner has gained weight, smells bad or has oddly shaped genitals should go a long way to making him or her feel unattractive.
Girls should try letting their leg and pubic hair grow wild. Men should grow their facial hair to just the right length to give their woman a beard-rash. With body hair, the scratchier it is, the better. Inconsiderate behaviour of any sort can really help kill your partner’s libido, so feel free to as selfish as need be. Remember you are only being cruel to be kind.
I know it may seem impossible to cure your partner of lust, but the programme outlined above has been tested by thousand of couples across the world and has produced remarkable results. Follow it faithfully, and I promise you all a happy, celibate future.