Are you a vagina-having, sex-loving, men-fancying single person?

Once upon a time, a lady of a certain age fell down the rabbit hole and landed not in Wonderland, but in the “manosphere.” Like Wonderland, the manosphere is a topsy-turvy world where all you know to be true has been turned upside down and inside out. It is a place inhabited by the dregs of humanity – a loose collection of basement dwellers, racists, homophobes, men’s rights activists, and the worst practitioners of pick-up artistry.

Men’s rights activists, or MRAs, are not actually activists in any real sense of the word. They don’t campaign on issues affecting men, like the high rates of male suicide, rights for unmarried fathers or the way mainstream culture narrowly defines masculinity. Instead they spend their time on the internet complaining about the duplicity of women, particularly Western women.

In MRA lore, women in developed countries are seen as ungrateful sluts and parasites who spend their twenties riding the “cock carousel” of “alpha males” before finding a poor chump to marry, and later divorce, depriving him of all his worldly goods. Ideally they’d like to turn the world back into the 1950s, which is seen as a mythical golden era of manly white men and Stepford Wives. Failing that, they’ll settle for a “foreign” women, ideally Asian, which they believe are all docile creatures who’ll treat them as special snowflakes.

A slightly more extreme version is a group styled “Men Going Their Own Way”, who are male separatists and want nothing to do with women at all. Unfortunately MGTOW types don’t actually go their own way, to enjoy manly pursuits such as bear wrestling or beard tending – they too spend their time on the interwebs whinging about women.

MRA pick-up artists are the scariest of the bunch, presided over by a blogger called Roosh V. Roosh – who sees himself as an international playboy specialising in seducing women around the world and a guru to help other men do the same. Unlike the fairly innocuous, and often sensible, advice dispensed by Neil Strauss in Rules Of The Game, Roosh and his cohorts don’t believe in taking no for an answer, some of which comes dangerously close to advising rape. Roosh does not believe you should rape, not because it is wrong, but because it may hurt your penis, give you an STI, result in a jail sentence or child support payments, and finding a slut is just easier. “Why rape when girls are giving it up so easily these days?” he asks.

You’ll want to give these dudes a miss. In fact, you probably don’t want to breathe the same air as them. Luckily you can defl ect them, using one of these ten techniques, all of which areguaranteed to repel an MRA like a vampire confronted with garlic.

Cut your hair short
This, I’ll admit, is a drastic measure but absolutely 100 percent foolproof. MRAs regard short hair on women as an almost personal affront. You know those dudes that proclaimed via Twitter that they would no longer bang the luminously beautiful Jennifer Lawrence once she cut her hair? Yup, we’re dealing with them. MRAs believe the only reason any woman would ever cut her hair is to make herself unattractive to men, and thus she must be a crazy, emotionally damaged bitch.

Wear flat shoes
Flat shoes are indisputable evidence that you are a lesbian, and generally a man-hating, feminazi to boot (see what I did there?). Flat shoes also make it much easier to run away from an MRA should you accidentally find yourself in the company of one.

Be the wrong kind of slut
MRAs have a love/hate attitude towards “sluts” – desiring them and disliking them in equal measure. Two dates is the maximum amount of time an MRA is prepared to spend in female company without getting laid, and generally only if they get a blow job on the fi rst date unless you are particularly beautiful, wear heels and cook for them. If you are over 18 and have had more than one sexual partner, you are a slut; however if you are over 18 and have had one or no sexual partners you are frigid daddy’s little princess with entitlement issues.

However much they may desire “sluts”, MRAs don’t like to be reminded that you have had sex with other men – possibly because they won’t stack up well in comparison. Therefore, if you make it clear that you are not interested in bedding down with him, but that you’ve enjoyed making sweet sweet love in the past, the MRA will brand you as the wrong kind of slut. He may look at you with fear and loathing, but he’ll leave you alone.

Get a cat
Cats = spinsterhood. Fact! MRAs are allergic to cats – psychologically if not physically. By getting a cat, a woman proclaims that she has missed her chance to fulfil her destiny as a wife and mother and has settled into a life of cheap wine, hairy legs and Sex And The City re-runs. The more cats you have the safer you are from MRAs. If you don’t have a cat, wear a cat accessory. A cat necklace or print will suggest a fondness for furry felines, which an MRA will see as a warning beacon to steer clear of you.

Go to college
Arts degrees are seen as a waste of time, while women in science, engineering or IT are regarded as incompetents hired by firms that want to seem progressive. Some MRAs have argued that women shouldn’t be allowed into third level education as it makes them argumentative, feminist and slutty.

have ambitions
MRAs hate women with ambitions or who earn their own money as this is unfeminine. Conversely MRAs also hate stay-at-home mothers, who are seen as parasitically leeching off men’s labours as they pop out an interminable number of children.

Talk
Lots. MRAs believe women are irredeemably stupid and have nothing of value to say. A woman’s conversation is therefore nothing more than the vapid wittering of an imbecile, which is bad, unless it is the strident rant of a belligerent bitch, which is worse.

Turn Thirty
At 30 a woman’s sexual market value falls off the cliff. Once you hit the big three-o, you are barely worth the trouble as a “cum dump”. Some MRAs think 25 is the cut-off point, and the even more extreme versions think that women should be getting themselves wifed between 13 and 21 because it’s all downhill from there. If need be, lie about your age and mention cats.

Proclaim your feminism
Worse than sluts, and even worse than women over 30 with cats, short hair and a pair of Doc Martens, the feminist reigns supreme in the MRA pantheon of evils. MRAs believe Western society has been highjacked by a coven of left-wing feminazis plotting to destroy traditional masculinity, which will eventually lead to the collapse of civilisation as we know it. Feminists are seen as a malevolent hate group compromised of “fat chicks”, baby-killers and lesbians who, given the barest opportunity, will destroy a man’s life with a false rape allegation.

You don’t need to be familiar with the intricacies of feminist theory to scare an MRA. Simply stating men and women have equal value will brand you as the worst kind of fire-breathing harridan and the MRA will disappear in a puff of indignant rage.

If in doubt, go nuclear
If there is one thing MRAs hate almost as much as women, it’s “beta” males. Beta males, also contemptuously known as manginas or white knights, are regular dudes who like getting laid but treat women with respect – they are genuinely nice guys. You can stop an MRA in his tracks – and cause him temporary impotence – by telling him he is “nice.”

A word of warning: lots of perfectly lovely men dislike being told they are nice as well. “Nice” is to compliments what beige is to colours, so don’t use it indiscriminately. The N-bomb should be a last option and only used if all else has failed.

Whether you are a man or a woman, straight or gay, the best recipe for a happy life is to avoid the numpties and asshats of either sex, and by using these simple techniques, a vagina-having, sex-loving, men-fancying single person can enjoy the delights of the cock carousel without having to talk to MRA troglodytes, which will be better for your sanity, if not your safety.

Good luck ladies!