"I've never taken drugs"

Samuel J Snort Esq, Ireland's most glamorous and hard-working degenerate, first came to public attention on AA Roadwatch as the man responsible for most of the city's traffic accidents and road rage incidents. A successful architect from Brazil, a highly-regarded polo player and the presenter of the Clare McKeown Show, Sam Snort is none of these things. But he does have a remarkably big dick.

Reclining in the rococo splendour of his luxurious penthouse apartment on page five of the new Hot Press, he expresses sadness at the distance that now separates him from "the foxy chicks in those phone ads at the back of the mag" but says he'll do his best to lower the tone of proceedings near the front while "the top cat's away".

Inhaling a massive spliff, he thoughtfully fondled the inside of my thigh while graciously answering questions from HIP about his challenging new role.

Samuel, I wonder if you would object at all, if I began this interview by giving your arse a right good licking with my tongue?

Please, be my guest.

Thank you . . . mmm, tasty.

Er, you have a little bit stuck there on your moustache

Many apologies . . . how's that?

Fine.

Thank you so much and, again, many apologies. Samuel, perhaps you would be so kind as to show us around your new issue?

I'm not sure you'd be able to see much with your head stuck so far up my butt.

How very true. Samuel, I hope you don't mind if I say that you are no stranger to controversy, having spent much of your life either on the run, in jail, being pursued by jealous husbands, or in the company of swarthy gentlemen of South American extraction.

That is fair comment, I think.

Thank you so much for not hitting me.

Not at all.

However, what I think our readers really want to know is: have you a favourite way of preparing lobster and ratatouille salad with quail's eggs and water cress salad?

Mmm. That's a tough one. I was only saying to Conrad the other day that %