SEX AND SEX AND ROCKANDROLL

They certainly know how to endear themselves to 37-year-old male journalists. Instead of t-shirts and tour jackets that are way too small for middle-age beer guts, Add N To (X) have been mailing their new album out with what can only be described as perv packs.

I won t be too graphic, suffice it to say that the alcohol free cleansing wipes, sterile dressings, pre-powdered examination gloves and latex stay-up longer cock ring have all been welcomed into the Clarkian fold.
It s pretty tame, though, compared to the content of their videos. The robot shagging jobbie which accompanied 1999 s Metal Fingers Inside My Body single judged not quite deviant enough, the Sheffield bleepers have hired two porn actresses to ensure that the follow-up, Plug Me In , is totally unbroadcastable.
No bums, breasts or blushes are spared as the siliconed lovelies zoom in on each other with camcorders. Imagine if the Blair Witch Project had been set in Chasey Lain s bedroom, rather than a haunted forest, and you ll have some idea of the jerky shenanigans that ensure.
Not surprisingly, this has lead to accusations that Add N To (X) are just an electronically inclined Bloodhound Gang. Fair comment?
No, that s people especially journalists missing the point, says a rather miffed Barry 7. I find most modern porn very depressing. It s quite evil and sadistic and sometimes looks like an endurance test of pain and suffering. It seems the more stunts and tricks the performers can pull off the better: it s a very Evil Knevil attitude to sex.
Johnny Trunk (the assistant director) and myself wanted to destroy the usual formulised idea of what male directors force us to believe is sexy. We used a cameraman with no previous porn experience and gave the girls miniature hand-held cameras and let them film themselves. We didn t want to use any male performers so we introduced the fucking machine instead. We had it specially made and it not only ties in with the whole concept of Add N To (X) but also proves that women don t need men around to have a good time. The girls genuinely enjoyed the shoot and were very much in control during the filming. The result is an intimate, sensuous film of two people having fun. I ve always thought that if David Attenborough was able to give gorillas cameras for a week, Wildlife On One would have made much better viewing.
So it s not in any way a McLaren-esque attempt to get your band banned, and sell shit-loads of records?
No, the point is to stimulate debate about the recent legalisation of hardcore porn in Britain, insists the band s Morticia Addams lookalike, Ann Shenton. What happened is that the Police took the British Board of Film Censorship to court over a child sex education film which featured a real erection. For the first time ever, the BBFC stood their ground and won - the result being that penises can now be shown in all their horizontal glory. Jack Straw, naturally, is outraged and wants to endear himself to the voters of Middle England by repealing it. Middle England, of course, being one of the most perverted fucking places in the world.
We wanted to highlight that hypocrisy, and draw attention to the real issue which is how do you create a sex industry that s fair to everybody who participates in it? I mean, what are Jack Straw and New Labour doing to protect the prostitute I know who got beaten senseless recently in King s Cross? The answer should be give her somewhere safe and legal to go , but politicians are totally incapable of making that leap.
To understand where the collective Add N To (X) head is at, you have to go back to the mid- 70s when experimental outfits like Faust, Kraftwerk and Throbbing Gristle were the only worthwhile alternatives to punk.
We definitely see ourselves as part of the musical history that runs from Dusseldorf to Detroit, and back again via-the likes of Sheffield, Barry 7 resumes. It s funny you should mention Throbbing Gristle cause Genesis P. Orridge used to be my landlord. In fact, the fucking cunt nearly killed me.
The result of some kinky S&M role-playing, no doubt.
Nah, he d left a live World War II grenade under the stairs. I don t know if you remember, but seven years ago there was a horrible story going round that Genesis was murdering children, and filming it. It was all made up by a group of Christian fundamentalists, but nevertheless he had to get out of the country fast and asked me to send his stuff on to him in the States.
To cut a long story short, I found this thing which had to be blown up by an Army Bomb Disposal Unit. It was highly volatile and could have gone off at any moment.
Even more disturbing is what Orridge and the missus had in the living room.
They took the dentist s chair that had been in there with them, but left all these pictures of cocks and vaginas stuck to the walls and the ceiling.
He s called Susan now, Shenton offers helpfully. He s grown his hair into a grey bob and is quite the demure lady.
And there was me thinking that my friends are weird. With such uneasy listening favourites as Brothel Charge , Poke Er Ole and Incinerator No. 1 in their repertoire, it s inevitable that Add N To (X) provoke some pretty extreme reactions.
Yeah, one cunt said that I d died in a car crash, Barry 7 reveals. He invented a complete scenario - me being pissed and totalling a Volkswagen Polo Estate which was immediately zapped round the world on the internet. My brother, who s a bit of a webhead, saw it and told my mum who had a complete panic attack. I d been away for three days, so she didn t know if it was true or not.
The first we knew of it was when the NME rang up asking to do an obituary, adds the other X-man, Steve Claydon. When a story s that detailed you tend to believe it.
The madness doesn t stop there.
We got sent a box which had a big vagina, three little vaginas and a Martian landscape on the lid, Claydon continues. Inside there were hundreds of Polaroids of this guy wearing different horror masks. There was another fan in San Francisco who got a letter to us backstage saying, Please come outside. You ll recognise me cause I ve got my homemade Add N To (X) outfit on . Sure enough, he was standing there in a weird trouser-suit that had lyrics written all over it. Not only that, but he was shaking so much we thought he was going to have a fit.
As a result of such encounters, the Add N To (X) entourage now includes two Rottweiller-like gentlemen who answer to the names of Ginger and Grebo.
Before them, we had this ex-Scots Guard, Big Maurice, who totally saved our lives in Stockholm, Barry 7 reminisces. Three blokes charged backstage going, Ver are ze band? Ve vill kill zem! , which Maurice took as his cue to give them a good hiding. You have to watch yourself in Sweden because with drink being so expensive, everybody gets fucked before they go out.
Swedish people horrified by this racial stereotype should send letters of complaint to Add N To (X) c/o Mute Records, 429 Harrow Road, London W10 4RE. That s also the address to write to if you can t track down Add Insult To Injury, the band s third album which depending on which UK style mag you read is either the sound of people enjoying themselves , or samey, big beat novelty bollocks. The latter is most likely a reference to Monster Bobby , a Gary Glitter-meets-Ralf Hutter footie anthem that comes complete with a you re not singing anymore! chorus.
We ve got a sense of humour which, like a lot of other things, we incorporate in to our music, counters Ann Shenton. If you ve seen us live, you ll know that we don t stand there bathed in white light pretending to be robots. We re human beings who drink, smoke, fuck and have a laugh. Often all at the same time.
Talking of robots, what warped thought process lead to the making of the Metal Fingers In My Body video?
We were walking around a Belgian red light district as you do when we came across a skip full of come-stained furniture and old porno mags, Steve Claydon divulges. These black mamas were trying to lure us in for sex, but we were too interested in the magazines, one of which had the heading Metal Fingers above a cartoon of a woman in bed with a robot. All we had to do was work out how he d got there and what his favourite positions are.
I don t know if it s coincidental or not, but the leading man is the spit of Bender from Futurama.
The reason they re similar is that they re both based on the comic book ideal of what a robot should look like, Barry 7 proffers. There s a rumour going round that Matt Groening s made a porn version of The Simpsons. It was meant to be a secret, but apparently a couple of tapes have leaked out.
Yeah, Ann Shenton deadpans, they ve got Marge s sister doing a double-act while Groundskeeper Willy whacks off in the corner.
The mind well and truly boggles. Along with acres of press, the Plug Me In video has left Add N To (X) with the problem of how they re going to follow it up.
Seeing as she s going to be needing a new job soon, we were thinking of asking Ann Widdecombe if she d like to fuck a Michael Portillo lookalike up the arse with a strap-on, she laughs. No, when people start expecting something from you, it s best to go off in a completely different direction. Steve spent the summer in the Outer Hebrides making a film about plankton, so we might go for a marine biology theme.
I assume she s taking the piss.
Honestly, he s a regular little Jacques Cousteau.
Next week, hotpress reveals Shane MacGowan s passion for cliff-nesting cormorants.
While Metal Fingers In My Body received the odd play on No Disco and Pop On 3, both of the national broadcasters have deemed Plug Me In to be too explicit for their audiences. Undaunted, Add N To (X) are planning to enter it into a number of film festivals, and then put it into the shops on video. They re also talking to a prominent French director viz a viz scoring a big budget movie that ll surface next year.
We want to do for porn what Ennio Morricone did for spaghetti westerns, enthuses Barry 7. If you look at America, where production values are highest at the moment, most of the actors and actresses are in unions and making serious money. Once you get rid of the exploitation, there s nothing wrong with watching two people fuck like rabbits.
Add N To (X) s Add Insult To Injury album is out now on Mute.