leave a TINDER moment alone

THE LAST time I felt this nervous about an assignment was when I had to interview Alice In Chains, 48 hours after they d almost hospitalised another journalist for asking them a question they didn t want to answer.
Though not prone to spontaneous bouts of GBH, Tindersticks mainman Stuart Staples has traumatised more than his fair share of hacks with pauses that aren t so much pregnant as feet-up in the stirrups and about to give birth.
We have a motto, though, at the Clarksonian Institute Of Advanced Quote-Extracting doubtum if ini, talkum football est.
So, Stuart me old mucker, a bit of a Forest fan are you?
I think everybody in Nottingham was at one stage because nothing else exciting has ever happened there, he, well, let s be honest about this, mumbles almost inaudibly. Something died when Brian Clough quit Forest. One minute we were this arsehole-of-nowhere place that had never produced a decent band or actor or anything, and the next we were the champions of Europe. Twice! I got a real kick out of the idea that there were these Barcelona and AC Milan fans jealous of Nottingham because we had a better football team than them.
If Cloughie had run for parliament back in the 80s, he d have got in. He was a very important man.
With Forest restored to their rightful position in the second flight and Brian Clough working full-time on his gin blossoms Staples couldn t wait to bugger off to London. Not least because it meant he was within an 80p bus ride of his beloved Timothy Everest, the gentleman s outfitters who receive a sleeve credit on Tindersticks new album, Curtains.
We re hoping he ll give us a discount, the singer nearly chuckles. People find it weird that you go from buying suits at Oxfam to having them made for you but it s a natural progression. As a band, we ve always had that Saturday night sort of mentality. Y know, getting dressed up and feeling good. It also gives us something to hide behind.
The NHS spectacle-wearers among you may like to note that Timothy Everest s other clients include Tom Cruise and Andy Cairns, who got married last month in one of their whistles.
Given the air of self-assured cool which permeates their records, it s a surprise to find Tindersticks using their #400 single-breasted jobs as a haute couture mother s apron.
It s better than getting pissed. I used to have real problems in the beginning just walking out on stage so I got drunk. In fact, I stayed drunk for a year and a bit. There were nights when I d fall over and couldn t get up, which is rather embarrassing when you re being watched by 500 or 600 people. Well, embarrassing the next morning when it actually registers. The policy in those days was to sing the songs and get off quick before you made a complete fool of yourself. What eventually made me limit my pre-gig intake was the realisation that I can t sing when I m bolloxed. I can handle falling over but not being out of tune.
Popular opinion may have it that they re all gloom, doom and despondency, but a quick perusal of Curtains finds Tindersticks more than able to hold their own in the acerbic wit department.
We re never going to make a record with Vic and Bob, but we do have a sense of our own ridiculousness. People tend to treat us very reverentially which we don t like. They don t immediately have to be quiet when we walk on stage. If we can stun them into shutting-up with our brilliance, great, but they shouldn t feel obliged to behave a certain way. Unlikely as it is, if somebody wants to mosh or stage-dive at one of our gigs, they re more than welcome.
Of course, there s always been that grindcore element to their music. Another commonly-held misconception about Tindersticks is that they spend their off-duty hours sitting in darkened rooms listening to Leonard Cohen anthologies.
It s almost as if by having a laugh and enjoying yourself, you re selling-out, Staples sighs. It s partly our own fault but when we do newspaper interviews, it tends to be with the arts critic rather than a music journalist. There is such a thing as being taken too seriously.
Just in case we re making Tindersticks sound like Northern Uproar, it ought to be pointed out that when it came to recruiting a duet partner for an updated version of Marriage Made In Heaven , they didn t go for any of your Sarah Cracknells or Saffron Republicas. Nope, they got straight on to Isabella Rossellini who was only too glad to say si to their offer of a studio collaboration.
We knew that she sung a bit in Blue Velvet, he reveals, but that wasn t really the point. The song s not about being a singer, it s about being an actress, so what was important was the feel. Isabella wouldn t mind me saying that it took a lot of takes, but she was very focused and the first to go Let s try that again . It actually took about a year to pull together. We sent her some stuff, she came to see us in New York and then we had to wait for a suitable gap in our respective schedules. She was a dream to work with, but we re in no rush to repeat the exercise.
Being pooey spoilsports, Tindersticks have left Marriage Made In Heaven off Curtains, opting instead for an early autumn singles release and accompanying high-art, low-budget video. Staples grimaces when I mention it ll probably necessitate a Top Of The Pops appearance, although given that he and his bandmates are Big In Greece , he s no stranger to this we saw you on the telly last night lark.
From the number of tickets we each sold at this particular venue, it works out that we re 35% more popular in Greece than Sting and 47% less popular than Dead Can Dance, he announces with the afternoon s first genuine display of enthusiasm. We really enjoy playing Latin-blooded places, partly because they re so passionate and partly because they ve got these drinks you can get arseholed on for a couple of quid.
Less larksome was bass-player Mark Colwill ending up in an Athens casualty department after pissing out the remnants of a jumbo-sized kidney stone.
Apparently, explains Dr. Staples, when you ve been drinking heavily and stop, the body tries to get rid of all the rubbish that s in your system. No-one actually remembers Mark going on the wagon, but he was certainly in a bad way.
Back in Blighty, the Sticks have added to their burgeoning star status by storming their way to, er, number 38 on the grown-ups chart with Bathtime . Okay, it s not going to give the Spice Girls any sleepless nights, but it s an indication that the band s appeal is no longer confined to the bedsit fraternity.
I dunno, in terms of age and background, I ve always considered our audience to be quite broad, he proffers a tad defensively. The unifying factor is that they tend to be people who find obvious things unsatisfying. The reviews so far have talked about Curtains being our most accessible album yet, but the label still wanted to know Where are the singles?
Doing the Ninette Et Boni soundtrack had a knock-on effect on this record, in terms of us wanting everything on it to be valid. When you re putting music to other people s pictures, you have to think about every single note and what it s doing there.
Despite Staples protestations to the contrary, Curtains is awash with poptabulous moments Let s Pretend , Buried Bones , (Tonight) Are You Trying To Fall In Love Again and Rented Rooms as hook-laden a quartet of songs as any you re going to hear this year. In many ways, it s The Divine Comedy with Nick Cave deputising on vocals, a string-swathed nudge nudge, wink wink opus that, given the right push, should see them going up a tax bracket.
Of course, if they weren t so damned bloody principled they d already be raking in the moolah from a shampoo advert they were offered last year.
It wasn t so much principle as weighing up what we d gain against what we d lose and deciding it was too much in favour of the latter, he avers. If it had been enough to take the financial pressure off us for a few years, we d have done it, but as it was we d have split it six ways and barely had enough for a fortnight each in Spain.
Also receiving the Tindersticks thumbs down was a Vogue fashion-shoot.
We were worried they d try and make us wear something double-breasted, Staples deadpans. Nah, we thought about it for a while and decided we didn t want to spend all day arguing with a stylist about how they wanted us to look. There are enough tantrums thrown when we have to do promo shots!
With little luxuries like rent and food to be taken care of, Staples & Co. will be leaving the orchestra at home when they hit the road later in the summer. Not that they ll be gone for long, the desire to keep body and soul intact meaning that the most they ll do is three weeks of back-to-back gigging.
More than that wouldn t be good for us, he mutters darkly. 12 months in the back of a van and, yeah, we d crack just about anywhere, but what s the point when you ve got to put your normal life on hold? Part of the reason we ve never gone looking for a big money deal is that we don t want to feel indebted to anybody. No one can say, You owe it to us .
Not for the first time this afternoon, it strikes me that Stuart Staples is a far happier camper than previous press encounters would suggest.
I think we ve come across in the past as being morose, when all in fact we were was hungover. It s a subtle distinction, but one which probably explains why we ve got this reputation for being miserable bastards!
We never thought that, did we, readers? n
Curtains is out now on This Way Up.