Into The Pubes And Beyond....

What records are you listening to at the moment, and if you were organising your own festival who would be on the bill?
::: lisa mcmahon Dublin
Listening to is the complete works of Foreigner, the complete works of Led Zeppelin, the complete works of Aerosmith, the complete works of AC/DC, Van Halen before Sammy Hagar joined and spoiled everything, Ten Benson Hiss, The Wildhearts Must Be Destroyed and Whitesnake Saints & Sinners.I’m going to have to start buying Ash records because we played with them recently and they’re amazing. Actually, Tim Wheeler’s my favourite person in rock ‘n’ roll at the moment. We talk almost every day on the ‘phone and he’s hooked us up with Jim Fitzpatrick, the Thin Lizzy bloke who’s going to be doing some artwork for us. Festival-wise, it’d have to be Ash, Ten Benson and The Wildhearts warming up a sold-out Shea Stadium for The Darkness.

Just how close to your cock does that tattoo go, how long did it take and did you blub?
::: Melissa Kilkenny
It goes into the pubes and beyond. I had it done in Camden, it took about three hours and I was more concerned about being aroused by the vibration of the needle than the pain. I kept saying to myself, “Don’t get an erection, this man is strong and could hurt you!” I didn’t get a stiffy or blub, so I was quite proud of myself. My reason for wanting it is that Bon Scott had one in the same place.

What’s the most rock ’n’ roll thing you’ve ever done?
::: wacka Lucan
Too many to list, really. Most recently it was upgrading to Club Class on the Dover to Calais ferry and throwing peanuts at the waiter. We felt like kings…actually, no, we felt like twats.

A song about genital warts… a work of fiction I hope!
::: nobby Galway
Genital warts? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nobby. If that indeed is your real name.
When did you pop your cherry, where, who with and was it any good?
::: aine Navan
Are we talking about sex now or rock? If it’s the former, I’m still waiting to find the right girl to do that with. I’ve had a few close encounters but it’s never worked out for me.

If you were stuck on a desert island, who’d be the first to go crazy and why?
::: DEIRDRE COY Galway
I’ve a feeling Frank would crack pretty early because he’s walking that fine line between insanity and stupidity every day. It’d be Ed next ‘cause of the lack of alcohol, me third ‘cause I can’t live without Hermes, Gucci and a 32” television and Dan last ‘cause he’s so sickeningly well adjusted.
And good looking. I really fucking hate him.

Have you met any of your heroes yet and, if so, did they live up to expectations?
::: sheila giddings Killarney
Yeah, I met David Coverdale who’s one of my all-time heroes. He was class. He just turned round and said, “You must be the singer, you flash bastard!” which I thought was pot, kettle and black. He was flirting with my mum who, come to think of it, is the same age as him. The Rolling Stones – who I wouldn’t be that into except for Sticky Fingers – were lovely and very complimentary about my flame tattoo. The only thing I didn’t like about supporting them is that you get this 30-page dossier saying, “Do not approach The Rolling Stones,
look them in the eye or breathe the same oxygen.” They’re very strict
about the people they have around them.

Watching you in your new video, I noticed the onset of male pattern baldness. Are you going to shave it all off or do a Bobby Charlton?
::: julian Mallow
Bobby Charlton’s bald? Next you’ll be telling me that Dale Winton has homosexual tendencies occasionally. Seeing as it’s worked so well for Bobby, I’ll go for the comb-over and penis enlargement to make-up for the baldness.
Cycling, gymnastics, archery, bridge club… what activities did you do at school and what qualifications did you get?
::: beaky Stoke
Seven O-Levels. My best grades were in History, Maths and English because, as you know, I have a firm grasp of the language. The school wanted me to go on and do my A-Levels but I couldn’t be arsed – why study when you can sit in the park drinking cider? I wish I had a sordid butterfly-collecting past to tell you about, but my only hobby was being a fledgling rock god.

Did The Darkness get ridiculed by the industry when you started?
::: paul o’reilly Tallaght
Yeah. And they tried to ignore us as well. There’s a common myth that says if you’ve got friends in the industry it’s easier to get on, but we’ve friends in the industry who didn’t fucking help at all. The cunts! Singles, tours, merchandise…we only stopped paying for everything ourselves in May when we signed a deal. Revenge has been sweet, though. The NME took the piss out of us and our fans at the start of the year and therefore had to run a Darkness cover story without any interview. We’ll probably relent and talk to them in a while but for the time being they can suck my cock. Worse still, they can suck Frank’s cock and lick the bits of food off his moustache!
Explain the benefits of wearing lycra and who designs the gear?
::: clare bear Kerry
There’s a bloke called Christian Hutter who does the majority of my outfits. The only benefit is that it makes your balls and penis look much bigger than they really are.

Bedded any supermodels yet?
::: jenny moss New Ross
I don’t like good-looking people. Otherwise I’d have to get my teeth fixed and start hanging round in The Met Bar. I wouldn’t know Kate Moss from Adam, which I know must be enormously upsetting for her, but get over it love!
AC/DC’s Brian Johnson is working on a rock opera version of Helen Of Troy with Dolores O’Riordan. Any similar aspirations?
::: PAUL MOLLOY Thurles
Who’s Dolores O’Riordan? The Cranberries? Haven’t heard of them either. What I find really offensive is that cunt Ben Elton butchering the Queen back catalogue for a stupid fucking musical. I’ve written one
myself called The Collapse Of The Lowestoft Fishing Industry. The lead character has lost his larynx to cancer so he has to sing through a voice-box for the entire piece. It’s a bit of a tearjerker.
Did you clock as a youthful Queen fan that Freddy might be batting for the other side?
::: flash gordon Outer Space
There was that picture of him in tennis shorts which indicated he may have had some issues. I’ve met people, women in particular, who feel conned ‘cause he turned out to be gay. To confirm or
deny your sexuality is to miss out on years of speculation and intrigue. Will Young had that going for him at the start but then he admitted he was homosexual and everybody went,
“Fuck off, that’s the only interesting thing about you!” He blew it. So to speak.
What’s the silliest, most over the top band you’ve ever seen? Mine’s Thor, the dwarf Norse rock god who used to bend metal bars with his teeth.
::: malcolm Ballymena
Brown Whornet from Austin, Texas. They’re such great musicians that they’re able to operate in every genre and are hilarious.

Please lads, tell me you’re taking the piss
::: gordy Glasgow
No, whoever that is can fuck right off.

The Darkness’ Permission To Land album is out now. And bleedin’ rapid it is too!