United We Stand

They approach me at work, in pubs, on the street. They sidle up to me with furtive glints in their eyes, pause for breath, and utter the words that have become their mantra: "Hey, Jonathan, what odds do you reckon you'd get on Man United winning nothing this season?"

At least four different people have given me this spiel in the past fortnight alone. The unspoken implication seems to be that they have stumbled across the betting odds of a lifetime, and that they are quids in, because United are duty-bound to throw away two cup finals against useful, but hardly coruscating, opposition and the league is Arsenal's for the taking.

Usually, when these creatures accost me, I try to respond in as dignified a manner as I can, declaring that I would not stoop so low as to traduce my team in such a shameful manner by betting against them. Then I triumphantly play my epigrammatic trump card, announcing that there are probably far better odds to be had on Arsenal or Chelsea winning fuck all. They don't like that last bit, for some reason.

The great Peter Cook once remarked that his favoured method of whiling away an afternoon was to bet against Tottenham Hotspur, the club he supported, so that Fate would have no chance of beating him on both counts.

What he failed to add was that this dastardly practice gave Fate a 100% chance of beating him on one of the two counts. Either Tottenham took a battering, or Peter's wallet did.

Cook, world-class roisterer and unparalleled degenerate that he was, would undoubtedly have sided with the massed ranks of the pitiable ABUs after last week's Battle of the Stadio Delle Alpi. A team like United, with their air of perfectionism, their legions of dickheaded supporters, and their general imperviousness to all hazards, would hardly have appealed to Cook, with his well-known penchant for championing the underdog.

It takes some leap of logic to see Bayern Munich as underdogs in any circumstances, but that is the unfamiliar position they now occupy as they limber up for the final.

Yet the near-certainty that Bayern will surely be in better physical condition by May 26 has been overlooked. While United run themselves to a standstill, grinding out gruesome draws with Wimbledon and Leeds as they strive to stay ahead of Arsenal, the Bavarians have a month of virtual irrelevance ahead of them. The Bundesliga title is in the bag, and all that is left before Barcelona is a domestic cup final with Werder Bremen, a side who plumb even greater depths of mediocrity than Newcastle United.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just off down to the bookies. There's a bet on Arsenal winning zilch this season that needs placing.