Performer of the Year
Kieran McGeeney (for those of you with no interest in Gaelic football: the rather intense-looking fellow from Na Fianna who skippered Armagh to their first ever Sam Maguire in September, and then unburdened himself of a victory speech that was fairly excitable even by the standards of the genre). McGeeney was easily the player of the GAA season, not least for his truly Herculean performances at centre half-back against Dublin and Kerry.

Runner-up: Oliver Kahn, author of the finest goalkeeping display ever witnessed in any World Cup. Even his mistake in the final couldn’t dispel the awesome quality of what had gone before. “You could put the [German] squad into a bag and hit them with sticks, and all of them except Oli would deserve it,” said Franz Beckenbauer during the tournament, neatly illustrating how much the Germans relied on their remarkable keeper.

Selfish, Unaccountable Egotist of the Year
Roy Keane, for reasons I went into in some detail a couple of issues ago. Always keep in mind how close his behaviour came to ensuring that Ireland had their worst World Cup ever, rather than their most enjoyable and exciting one. The Keano brigade would do well to take into account that their precious hero nearly ruined our summer.

Phoenix from the Flames of the Year
As the 2002 Bank of Ireland football championship began in late May, the name “Ray Cosgrove” would only have elicited recognition from the most stalwart of Dublin supporters – and that was because of his best-forgotten cameo appearance in the 1999 Leinster final, when he came on as a sub and was later withdrawn himself while Meath ran riot all around him. Six goals and countless points at Croke Park later, he is now a folk hero who has to fend off thousands of autograph hunters and screaming teenage girls in the Kilmacud Crokes car park each night after training. Or something.

Cock-Up of the Year
In the interests of bipartisanship (well, it is Christmas, after all), Foul Play will gloss over the recent excellent work of Jerzy Dudek and instead single out France stand-off François Gelez, who had only to convert a soft penalty to seal a win over the All Blacks in Paris recently. As he shaped to take it, the ball fell off the tee. Instead of re-placing it, he tapped it forward, picked it up and tried to run under the posts. The referee, correctly, pulled him up for a knock-on. Seconds later, he missed another sitter with the last kick.

Match of the Year (football)
The jawdropping 3-3 draw between Celtic and Rangers in October. An end-to-end thriller crowned with one of the goals of the season from Henrik Larsson, it had everything except a last-minute Bhoys winner.

Runner-up: Brazil’s wondrous walloping of Costa Rica in the World Cup. It finished 5-2, it ought to have been 12-7 and it might have ended 18-10. Barry Glendenning described this one as “better than sex. Well, it’s better than any sex I’ve ever had.” That information should be strictly on a need-to-know basis, Barry.

Match of the Year (non-football)
Dublin’s thrilling defeat of Kildare in the Leinster final. Two goals in one mad minute from Brogan and Cosgrove ensured that the Dubs exacted fine revenge on the Lilywhites, who’d done exactly the same thing to them in 2000.
Runner-up: England’s recent 31-28 win over New Zealand at Twickenham.

Bore of the Year
Formula 1. Only if Juan Pablo Montoya had been sitting in a McLaren, with a BMW engine in it, would Michael Schumacher have had something to worry about. Tripe, in a word.

Achievement of the Year
Unquestionably Armagh’s All-Ireland win, achieved with some ageing legs and some very average players. At least ten of their team are too old to have an earthly of winning the Sam again, so their victory can safely be chalked down as a one-off for now. The bookies agree, making Armagh fifth favourites for next year’s championship. Anyway, though Kerry are undoubtedly the best team in the country, is there a single non-Kingdom resident of this island who would have been particularly thrilled about yet another All-Ireland for them?

Chilling Possibility of the Year
That we came within a couple of goals of Turkey and South Korea contesting the World Cup final.

Let-Down of the Year
France in the World Cup. One point, no goals, and a sackful of abysmal performances, with Henry, Vieira, Leboeuf and Dugarry particularly culpable. But then, some of us expected it from the last two.

Quote of the Year
“The referee rode us from the start. He was fucking useless.” – Eamon Cregan, (now ex-) manager of Limerick hurlers, after his charges lost to Cork in the Munster championship.

Moment of the Year
That goal against the Germans, of course – though it was almost ruined by Jim Beglin, who was still drivelling on about his choice for Irish man of the match even as Niall Quinn was deftly flicking the ball into Robbie’s path. Luckily, George Hamilton intervened just in time. “But here’s Robbie Keeeeeeeeeeane ... YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!”