Every Loser Wins

Spurred on by his colleague Barry Glendenning’s trenchant and pithy critique of the pundits and commentators of France 98 elsewhere in this issue, Foul Play – the man who puts the “anal” into “analysis” – has decided to dole out his own small but perfectly formed golden statuettes to the men who mattered (and a few who didn’t) at the 16th World Cup.

Best Game
England v Argentina may have had a bigger helping of drama and pathos (not to mention serious repercussions for David Beckham’s quality of life), but Nigeria’s 3-2 win over Spain has to be classed as the match of the tournament, not least for the awesomely explosive start to the proceedings – Spain might have been two up within the first three minutes, and from then on it simply got better. Classic.

Worst Game
Saudi Arabia v Denmark. 90 minutes of pure, unfettered muck, interrupted only by Marc Rieper’s goal, occasional random violence by Thomas Helveg and some good touches from the younger Laudrup. I actually fell asleep during the first half. Dear God, it was shite.
Best Goal
Every World Cup witnesses at least one unknown obscurity bursting out of nowhere to write himself into footballing lore with a ridiculously spectacular wondergoal. Sure enough, Pierre Njanka did his bit for African football in the final minutes of Cameroon v Austria, setting off on a 55-yard run which saw him dance past three flat-footed Austrians and bury the ball in the roof of their net. Naturally, he touched the ball no more than five times during the remainder of the tournament.

Best Player
Ariel Ortega blotted his copybook with his botched headbutting of the Dutch keeper, while Ronaldo was missing in action for long periods, so it simply must be Frank de Boer, who kept Holland afloat for virtually the entire semi-final despite suffering cramp. (Here I have resisted the temptation to spin out an analogy involving fingers and dykes.)

Worst Player
In this category, you could argue a case for Del Piero, Sheringham or Andy Köpke, while the numerous defensive atrocities committed by Aldair shouldn’t go unremarked either. But for sheer amusing incompetence, Bertrand Crasson of Belgium beats them all hands down. You may remember him as the hapless right-back who was unceremoniously hauled off by his appalled manager after Marc Overmars roasted him for 22 painful minutes in front of a hooting crowd in the Stade de France. Recent reports suggest that Crasson is currently negotiating a pay-as-you-play contract with Bray Wanderers. If he’s lucky.

Most “UNCOMPROMISING” Defender
Rigobert Song of Cameroon became the first player to be sent off in two different World Cups when he was red-carded for an horrific elbow in the face of Chile’s Salas. His frequently-displayed tendencies towards extreme physical violence have fuelled speculation in Yaoundé that he may be handed the Justice Ministry portfolio in the country’s next cabinet reshuffle.

Best Keeper
Because I am a retarded adolescent and I want to be different, I will ignore the perfectly reasonable claims of José Luis Chilavert, Fabien Barthez, Farid Mondragon, Gianluca Pagliuca et al in this category – in favour of Yoshika . . . Yashikitsu . . . eh, the Japanese keeper, whose performances against Argentina and Croatia saved his nation from an even greater level of fearful humiliation before the world’s eyes. True, his orange jersey was the sort of thing John Galliano might have designed in 1983, but you can’t have everything.

SILLIEST FASHION STATEMENT
Romania’s communal peroxide binge. Doh!

Worst Miss
Two words: Stéphane Guivarc’h. Take your pick from any of his three monstrous examples of squanderlust against Brazil.

Worst Commentating Error Of Judgement
As the final whistle blew on Scotland’s 3-0 defeat by Morocco, Barry Davies and Trevor Brooking kept wittering on about Craig Burley’s sending-off, while the accompanying TV pictures depicted Morocco’s players learning that their achievement had been rendered irrelevant by Norway’s 2-1 win over Brazil in Marseilles. The Moroccans’ vivid change of facial expressions, from delirious joy to shell-shocked disbelief to tearful devastation, went completely ignored by the two commentators. Bad call, gents.

Best Nippy Little Forward With The Initials “M.O.”
Marc Overmars, purely so that Foul Play can in his own small way counteract the seemingly unstoppable tide of Michael Owen-related hype, which reached a nadir last week when Sky News kept referring to him as “the second greatest footballer in the world”.

Best Completely Implausible Dive By A Croatian
Slaven Bilic hogged the headlines for his Platoon-like death throes which saw Laurent Blanc miss the final. But his gymnastics were in the realm of magic realism when compared with those of Davor Suker, who energetically hurled himself over the outstretched leg of a German player in the quarter-final, played dead for a few seconds, and then swiftly emerged from his coma to scream obscenities at the retreating referee for not giving him a free-kick. Cadaverous-looking prat.

Best Farcical Sending-Off
Forget about Beckham: the amazing dismissal of Denmark’s Miklós Molnar for merely colliding with South Africa’s Lucas Radebe marked the moment that the World Cup turned into some sort of absurd burlesque. If they introduce that brand of refereeing into Ireland’s amateur leagues, the denizens of the Phoenix Park will all be playing hockey by 2003.

Best Commentary Research
“Yugoslavia also have Slobodan Milosevic on the bench if required.” – Barry Davies, Holland v Yugoslavia.