Bunch of arse!

One rather unfortunate side-effect of Arsenal’s current dominance is that those of us who don’t support them now have to keep a sick-bag at the ready before turning to the sports pages.

The Gunners’ dismantlings of Leeds and PSV Eindhoven unleashed a flood of serious hyperbole in the press, with comparisons to Real Madrid (vintage and contemporary), the 1980s Liverpool side, Brazil 1970, Hungary 1954 and, for all I know, Hot-Shot Hamish’s Wingless Wonders being thrown around like snuff at a wake.

One gobdaw even ventured that Arsenal were now up there with Holland’s 1974 World Cup side. Hmmm, let’s see... overbearing arrogance, strange haircuts, a midfielder at right-back, a liability of a goalkeeper... you know something? He’s right!

Meanwhile, Leeds’ Olivier Dacourt, perhaps trying to pacify his own supporters and distract them from the awfulness of the home performance at Elland Road, claimed that The Arse are better than the Man United team that won the Treble in 1998-99. And why not? Hell, as I write, they’re a whole two points clear at the top of the Premiership!

Yes, Arsenal are the best team in England at the moment. Yes, they fully deserved their league and cup double last season. Yes, they look far better equipped to make the latter stages of the Champions League than in previous seasons. And yes, this is probably the club’s best XI ever (give or take several mediocre players, of which more later).

But for the love of God, can we stop this shit about Real Madrid and Holland and Brazil? For a start, what is it based on?

This season, Arsenal have played Birmingham, Chelsea, Man City, West Brom, Charlton, West Ham, Leeds, Sunderland, Borussia Dortmund, PSV Eindhoven and Auxerre. By my reckoning, that’s two good teams (Chelsea and Dortmund), four average ones and five heaps of shit.

Nor can it be argued that Arsenal are a side without a flaw. Seaman has cost them four goals already this term (against Chelsea, Man City, West Ham and Leeds). Lauren is average enough to have been outplayed by Kevin Kilbane in Niigata. Ashley Cole? Fine footballer, poor defender. And there are others – Luzhny, Parlour, Kanu, Keown, Jeffers – who are simply average players, no matter how you dress them up.

To address Dacourt’s looney-tunes assertion that Arsenal are better than Man United’s Treble outfit, this is eminently provable in seven months’ time. All they have to do is win the Champions League, the Premiership, the FA Cup and the Worthington Cup. And do it with the handicap of having David Seaman in goal instead of Schmeichel.

Now let’s look at the Real Madrid comparisons. While Real have won the Champions League three times since 1998, Arsenal have NEVER reached a European Cup semi-final in their entire history. There, that didn’t take long.

Last season, Arsenal had six away games in Europe. They drew one and lost the other five, against such continental behemoths as Panathinaikos, Real Mallorca and Schalke 04. Their record in 2000-01 was nearly as bad. The fine wins at PSV and Auxerre notwithstanding, please forgive Foul Play if he still can’t quite swallow the idea of them as the best side in Europe.

It’s the return of our old friend, Fatal Hubris. Remember 1997-1998, when Man United were doing much the same thing as Arsenal are now, pissing on everyone from a great height as reigning champions, ten points clear at Christmas, and generally looking unbeatable? We all know what happened next. Wenger certainly should, because he engineered it.

They’re good, but they’re certainly not that good. Let’s have a little perspective, please. Now pardon me while I puke.