Betting zoo

Saddam Hussein to be US president within the next twelve months? 1,000/1. Mick McCarthy and Roy Keane to record a duet together this year? 2,000/1. Oh, stop, my sides. You guys kill me.

For those of us who regard “fun bets” as the saddest things this side of personalised ringtones, there can be few experiences more disheartening than receiving a fax from one of the country’s biggest bookmakers (who I refuse to name, unless they give me a few free bets), cataloguing all the really amusing and interesting punts that you can place in their offices this year.

(Eddie Jordan to drive for his own team during the 2003 championship? 500/1. Ahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.)

Still, no harm in merely leafing through this preposterous pamphlet and scrutinising some of the more grotesque wagers on offer. As Richard Baerlein once said, now is the time to bet like men – or not, as the case may be.

4/1 – a player to be sent off during the 2003 All-Ireland football final. Your chances would be helped hugely if Meath are playing, of course (unlikely, on last year’s evidence). Otherwise, Kerry’s Tomás Ó Sé – who is, let’s say, a robust operator at the best of times – might be your best bet.

25/1 – any county to win both the Sam Maguire and the Liam McCarthy Cups. The only county with a hope in hell of doing this is Galway, whose hurlers aren’t quite good enough, and whose footballers rely too much on Padraic Joyce and the perennially contrary Michael Donnellan.
Forget it.

4/1 – Dublin’s senior footballers to have combined attendances of over 500,000 during the 2003 championship. They must think we’re right fucking eejits. I’ve done the sums, and Dublin’s games at Croke Park last year pulled in around 380,000 fans – four full houses, and 66,000 for the Meath game. Even if they’d made the final, and even if you add in the 8,000 who watched the first game against Wexford, the figure still stops well short of half a million. Don’t touch this one with a bargepole.

25/1 – Tommy Lyons to be fired as Dublin boss by the end of July. Only an unexpected ambush by Louth in the championship on June 1 could conceivably unseat Lyons. That, or some sort of smoking gun, like hitherto undiscovered links to Al-Qaeda.

33/1 – Ireland to win a Six Nations game without conceding any points. One word: Italy. This looks like something of an open goal (or try-line). Definitely worth a tenner.

12/1 – the England rugby team to go through 2003 unbeaten. Ugh! What a horrible thought. To be honest, Foul Play would happily lose money on this one as long as it didn’t come true. But their Six Nations game against France is at home this year, and in the World Cup a favourable draw has ensured that they’ll avoid the really big guns until the final, so ...

33/1 – Ken Doherty to make a 147 break in the World Championships. There have only been a few maximum breaks at this event in the past decade, so the odds of anyone doing it are slim and none. Therefore, it’ll probably be – sorry – beyond our Ken.

7/1 – Robbie Keane to better Niall Quinn’s scoring record for the Republic in 2003. Robbie currently has 14, while 21 is the figure to beat. He’ll basically need a goal a game this year, unless our next manager lines up a friendly against San Marino. Mind you, it’s a better bet than ...

7/1 – Ireland to top their Euro 2004 group. No, no and thrice no, even if the Great God Keano deigns to bother his black arse turning up and playing for us again.

8/1 – Alan Shearer to play for England in 2003. Are they taking the piss? Shearer, a man with a long memory, will be well aware of how tame and unscary he was at France 98 and Euro 2000, even if the foolish hacks calling for his return aren’t. He’ll hardly risk his hero status by coming back, when his last two tournaments conclusively proved that he hasn’t got what it takes for international football any more.

4/7 – Sven Göran Eriksson to still be England manager by Dec 31. Hmmm. Regardless of whether Sven really wants to keep spending his weekends watching the likes of Michael Carrick and Frank Lampard running around, Turkey may take the decision out of his hands in the spring.

5/4 – Wayne Rooney to play for England in 2003. Ah, that’s more like it. Young Rooney is quite simply a beast and will have barged the useless Emile Heskey out of the team by the summer. Free money, even at those odds.