TOO RICH BY HALF

The occasionally thorny issue of the Perrier Award s relevance in comedy s cosmic scheme of things has been discussed ad nauseum in these pages in the past, with assorted interviewees always happy to throw their two cents into what is an interesting but ultimately inconsequential debate.
Should comedy festivals be competitive? Should performers be judged in a competition they haven t asked to be in? If so, what are the criteria for judging one person s sense of humour over another? Does a bottled water company deserve such widespread exposure within the entertainment industry for the relatively meagre bounty of five grand it awards to the winner? Does anybody really give a monkey s? These are just some of the questions to have been posed and answered with wildly diverse replies in the few years since stand-up stepped out of the entertainment world s shadows and into its current position in the spotlight.
Most comedians of my acquaintance are completely indifferent to the Perrier Award. Certainly, they are sensible enough to know that a nomination will boost their profiles and help pull in the punters, but only the most paranoid gag-merchants believe that consistent failure to feature in the annual Edinburgh shake-up reflects badly on their talent and ability.
When push comes to shove, the roll call of class clowns that have never won the Perrier Award is an awful lot longer than that featuring those who have. Until very recently, this list of gong-less stand-up guys and dolls featured one of my favourite comedians, a man I could never tire of watching. This year, however, he whored himself out and won it. His name? Rich Hall.
Considering he s an American, the fact that I ve yet to meet a stand-up comic who has anything but good things to say about Rich Hall the comedian or Rich Hall the man speaks volumes. Obviously, a few occasionally grumble about the quality of his act as he delivers it, but that s invariably because they re next up on stage and very scared. However, as nobody likes going on after some smart-alec has had the cheek to amble out on stage and do his job properly, that s a fair criticism. Thankfully, now that Rich has won the Perrier Award, nobody will ever have to follow him ever again as he ll invariably top the bill. Serves him right too, the fucker.
Who does he think he is, anyway? Coming over here from Montana, stealing our gigs, winning our awards and making our women go weak at the knees. I remember going to see him once with a particularly high-maintenance girlfriend and being forced to watch her corpse herself from the opening salvo of his brilliant act to it s roof-raising conclusion. In the weeks that followed, my suspicions that her most erotic and lustful thoughts were of this blatant show-boater and not me were confirmed. Inevitably, one night she announced it was over between us. Her excuse? I wasn t Rich enough for her.
Then there was that time I interviewed him for hotpress. Pah! Regular readers may recall how the Montana Monkey Boy spent the entire three hours of our encounter in the Shelbourne Hotel crowing about his past achievements on Tonight With David Letterman, abusing staff and flashing his money around in a display of wealth that can only be described as ostentatious.
Rich, is it true you once worked as a writer on Tonight with David Letterman? I had enquired innocently, by way of getting our tjte-a-tjte underway.
Um, yeah, I guess, he bragged shamelessly, before regaling me with one hilarious anecdote after another about his time as a gag-writer on the award-winning show. Pausing only to badger a passing waitress into bringing us drinks and an expensive lunch that he would later insist on paying for, he went on to converse at length about his home state of Montana, the differences between American, British and Irish stand-ups, his friendship with Bill Hicks, his love of the simple things in life and his apparent willingness to play any toilet, in any town, before any crowd, solely because he loves nothing better than making people laugh. Showbiz sluts don t you just hate them?
Yeah, Rich Hall might have duped the Perrier judges into giving him the big prize, but this reporter remains unconvinced and certainly has his measure. Thankfully, it s only a matter of time before those celebrity comedians who have tragically allowed themselves to become blinkered by wealth and success cotton on to this lanky chancer s manipulative ways and stop inviting him to guest on their television shows, co-write their scripts and act as godfather to their children.
Then and only then will the stand-up comedy world be able rid itself of the inherent, insidious begrudgery and bitterness that threatens its very survival.
Come in Rich Hall, your number is up!

Next issue: Otis Lee Crenshaw on Rum, Sodomy & The Lash. (Except without the rum. Or the lash.)