ON DEADLY GROUND

ON DEADLY GROUND (Directed by and starring Steven Seagal. With Michael Caine, Joan Chen)

STEVEN SEAGAL, the two-fisted, two-footed, one pony-tailed, karate kicking hero of mindless American violence is apparently something of an environmentalist. In his directorial debut, he delivers his usual all-action sadism with a PC message, declaring “The planet is dying!” in a two-minute end of movie speech. After sitting through On Deadly Ground you could be forgiven for thinking Steven had just kicked it to death.

Set in the snowy wilderness of Alaska, no seals get battered but just about everybody else does. Seagal is an oil trouble-shooter who takes on a corrupt oil magnate, played by Michael Caine as a kind of corporate Kray twin. Like virtually every other character in the movie, Caine spends much of his time talking about Seagal in awestruck tones. “You could drop him off at the Arctic circle with nothing but a bikini and toothbrush and tomorrow he’d show up at your poolside wearing a big smile,” he declares. But then it’s well known Michael would say anything for money. Or why else would he be in a piece of shit like this?

Mercenaries mutter “Who was that guy?” His friends shake their heads and say, “He’s the best!” His enemies declare “Don’t underestimate him.” Some Native Americans even adopt him, convinced he is the living spirit of one of their animal deities. “Man has defiled the sacred mother earth,” a mystic Eskimo tells Steven in a vision. But its OK, Dances With Dynamite is here.

“What does it take to change the essence of a man?” Steven wonders, philosophically, before apparently concluding it takes a severe kicking at the very least. “I didn’t wanna resort to violence . . . but I don’t have a choice,” he complains, opening a cupboard to reveal it is stacked with guns and bombs. For a man of peace, he comes well armed. Soon he is rampaging through the oil rig, killing everyone and destroying everything in sight in an orgy of extreme, environmentally friendly violence.

Like most of Steven’s movies, this starts badly and just gets worse. But I’ll conserve paper, and say no more. No matter what his best intentions were, On Deadly Ground is a truly hideous waste of the earth’s resources.