Mad Hatter: Dara Quilty shares some home truths

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?

Rob Zombie, because the guest-list is in alphabetical order by last name.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?

Amy Adams.

Favourite saying?

You must own everything in your world, there is no-one else to blame.

Favourite record?

This has been changing for 15 years at least, I don’t have a favourite all-time record. There are too many records. I’m also tying myself to a genre then, I can’t commit to this.

Favourite book?

I finished some cute novel Ulysses on a recent trip to Marbella with the girls – I can’t remember the writer’s name, but it was nice poolside reading.

Favourite film?

The Lion King and Shutter Island. The new Lion King will be f**king fantastic. Also, never saw the twist in Shutter Island coming!

Favourite author?

Jesus Christ. The author of my life. Hahahaha. I don’t have a favorite author – I’m sure they’re all good.

Favourite actor / actress?

Gareth O’Connor, for his most recent work in the Brady’s Ham ad.

Favourite musician?

Dave Grohl is one of my favourites. Rock and roll but fucking hilarious and a lovely man.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?

Hugging Dave Moore (Dermot and Dave) after a meal we had. I said, “See you soon man” and went straight in for the hug. He goes, “What are you doing? We’re parked in the same place.”

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?

Stimulant? Come on! Drink: La Croix. Hey La Croix, start selling in Ireland.

TV programme?

South Park.

Favourite TV personality?

At the moment, Chris D’Elia. He also has a podcast, Congratulations with Chris D’Elia. Check that shit out.

Favourite item of clothing?

Hat.

Most desirable date?

Person or activity? Is this a double entendre? I would like to go on a date with Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles in 1989. I time travel back. We go rollerskating and bowling. She laughs at my jokes.

Favourite method of relaxation?

Hanging out. Mario Kart. SNES or N64. Bro!

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?

For sure bodybuilding. For those who know me, I am in incredible physical shape.

Biggest thrill?

Performing live, preferably in front of an audience.

Biggest disappointment?

Having my god damn back-pack stolen on tour. I’ll never live down the Great Manchester Robbery of ’18.

Your concept of heaven?

A world with no social media.

Your concept of hell?

People who are social media influencers infiltrating the film business instead of real actors. Am I an actor? No. Do I wanna be? No. When I pay $15 to go to see a movie, I want to see Leonardo DiCaprio wrestle a fucking bear! Not some prick with 1 million followers. Get outta here.

What would be your dying words?

“Ah, I just remembered what I wanted to tell you this morning…”

Greatest ambition?

To continue to do what I love doing and get paid for it. I never don’t appreciate it.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?

1950s New York and I’m Don Draper. Smoking cigarettes inside my office and doing stuff.

If you weren’t a human being which animal would you have chosen to be? A goldfish in a bowl. Don’t they have three-second memories? The dream. Not worrying about shit.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?

Been told that a few times already, Y2K, then the Mayan 2012 prediction. Kinda just did my own thing.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?

Hahaha, I don’t know. Like the world’s best-dressed? Ever. Jesus Christ, no idea. I haven’t been spending a lot of time on Instagram lately.

Favourite term of abuse?

You absolute f****** a** p***** of ***** ****, I will **** ****** *** ****** and ****** inside **** **** ***** you ****** and *********.

Biggest fear?

Apple releasing a coffee table book of photographs of my poo face from my iPhone front camera. I don’t take the pics but I mean come on, there’s a camera right there and it’s connecting to the internet at all times. They know. They’ve seen.

Humanity’s most useful invention?

The internet.

Humanity’s most useless invention?

Ketchup. No need for it. Get out. Gross.

• Dara Quilty is the frontman of Apella and currently hosts The Big Ride Home on 98FM, Monday-Friday from 4pm-7pm.