John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars

At its most basic level, John Carpenter’s Ghosts Of Mars is a half-arsed remake of John Carpenter’s Assault On Precinct 13 (itself a remake of Howard Hawks’ Rio Bravo) with a healthy dash of John Carpenter’s The Thing thrown in for good measure. In a very real sense then, the charge of being a lazy bastard could rightly be levelled at this great auteur’s door. However, such a viewpoint would unfairly overlook the fun and frolics that this ludicrous but competent genre effort has to offer.

The year is 2176 on the now-colonised planet Mars, and Lieutenant Melanie Ballard (Henstridge, in a rare role wearing clothes) is found alive on a train in Chryse city, apparently the sole survivor from a bunch of cops sent to an isolated mining town to pick up the notorious criminal James ‘Desolation’ Williams (Ice Cube). Soon, a flashback reveals how Ballard and her team including Jericho Butler (Statham) and Helena Braddock (Grier) fall prey to the spirits of an ancient Martain race, who having been disturbed by the miners, have come to destroy or possess the human intruders turning them into self-mutilating, blood-thirsty monsters in Marilyn Manson make-up, hell-bent on decapitating all before them.

Add to this a lesbian sub-plot, plenty of mindless violence, dodgy dialogue, and a guest appearance from the great rock pioneers Anthrax (apparently soon to be re-named, for shame) and you’ve got 98 minutes of utterly dispensible but totally reliable generic entertainment. Ghosts Of Mars may be schlock, but it’s good-natured, old-fashioned schlock nonetheless, and any movie that compels its monsters to wear mascara deserves credit for breaking new ground. Or maybe not.