I was very, very drunk at the time

I have done things I am profoundly ashamed of while drunk. From time to time, having unburdened myself of the fetters of polite society, I have said or done things to other people that I really regret. Nasty things. Spiteful things. Cruel things. Things that make me cringe with shame in the cold light of day.

When making my groveling apologies in the wake of such errors of impaired judgement, I am probably not alone in pleading that “I was drunk and didn’t mean it”. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth because while drunkenness is often the reason for these social indiscretions, it is rarely a plausible excuse.

Although you have to go through the motions, everyone knows the I Was Drunk And Didn’t Mean It defence is bullshit – damage limitation of the highest order. You can say it until your balls turns blue, but the fact remains that even though you acted out of character and regret it, you are still responsible for your actions and probably meant whatever it was you said or did at the time. (After all, why else would you have gone to the trouble of urinating in your ex’s letterbox? Yes, I’m talking to you, girls.) At least that was my firm belief before studying the transcript of the recent court case of Peter Buck, lead guitarist with REM.

Not renowned as one of the more unhinged practitioners of the noble art of rock ’n’ roll, Buck was flying from Seattle to London and had taken a sleeping pill before the transatlantic flight. Within three hours of boarding the plane he had consumed 16 glasses of red wine.

By the time he was arrested at Heathrow and charged with being drunk on an aircraft, assaulting crew members and of damaging British Airways property, assorted eye witnesses alleged that he had helped himself to several glasses of wine from the airplane’s galley without permission; got accidentally wedged between two seats, a position from which he had to be extricated by cabin crew; punched the wall of the plane in anger; attempted to sit beside a lady in Club Class whom he falsely accused of being his wife; drenched the cabin services director and a stewardess with yoghurt and subsequently assaulted the be-yoghurted director by attempting to strangle him with his tie.

It was also alleged that he had mistaken the hostess trolley for a hi-fi system and attempted to play a CD on it, before overturning it in frustration, scattering plates, cutlery, food and condiments. For his coup de grace, eye-witnesses reported that Buck then accused the cabin crew of being on drugs before announcing that “I am REM and can make up a story that you assaulted me.” A written warning issued by the captain of the flight is alleged to have been torn up and thrown away.

Buck did not deny any of this and, by all accounts, was “extremely apologetic and extremely embarrassed” upon having his collar felt. He did not remember what he had done and claimed as his defence that he did not know what he was doing because he took a number of powerful sleeping pills with his wine.

The Crown argued that he was “paralytic from choice, and whether or not he took the pills makes no difference whatsoever to his culpability.”

Buck was found not guilty, acquitted of all charges and left Isleworth Crown Court a free and visibly relieved man.

One can only imagine that simian stoner Ian Brown was agog with indignation at the outcome of Buck’s trial. The former Stone Rose has “previous” with BA, having been imprisoned for six months after threatening to cut off a stewardess’s hands. Although profoundly unpleasant, his behaviour seems a lot less scurrilous than that which Buck claims not to remember. However, it’s worth bearing in mind that Ian Brown did not have the lead singer of U2 batting for him in the witness stand.

In court with Michael Stipe and other members of REM to testify on behalf of his friend, Bono stated that he had “never” seen Peter Buck drunk and had “absolutely never” seen him taking drugs.

While relieved that Buck had been acquitted, Ballard Leisemann, music editor of weekly alternative magazine Flagpole – published in Athens Georgia, the home of REM – said people who regularly saw REM around town did not recognise the almost saintly character-witness descriptions of Mr Buck given by Bono and REM members Michael Stipe and Mike Mills.

“REM are not booze hounds like Guns N’ Roses, Van Halen or someone, but they are in a rock band and they like to have a good time,” mused Leisemann. “Mike Mills testified that he has never seen Peter Buck intoxicated, but that is just silly.”

What is even sillier was something Bono said, that – amazingly – seems to have gone completely unquestioned by anyone in the courtroom. Under cross-examination by the prosecution, he was asked if Peter Buck liked a glass of wine from time to time. Neatly side-stepping the question, he replied: “Most people that are in bands don’t drink if they’re serious and professional about what they do.”

You read it here first folks. Most people that are in bands don’t drink if they’re serious and professional about what they do. We believe you Bono. Thousands wouldn’t.