Hot Off The Press

HE DON’T LIKE MONDAYS
Singer Fed Up With Crap Jokes

Stetson wearing Offaly heart-throb Mundy (pictured) has revealed he is “utterly sick and tired” of people making jocular connections between his stage name and the similarly spelt day of the week. Speaking exclusively to Hot Off The Press, the leggy Irish singer songwriting superstar was adamant that he would take the law into his own hands the next time it happened. “If one other DJ makes a crap joke about ‘happy mundy’, I’ll bash his head in with my guitar,” he said. According to sources close to the singer, he plans to go to Mexico if he is sought by the Gardai in connection with any such incident. “Apparently he feels that life could be so much better there,” the source disclosed.

Inside: other pop stars whose names also sound like days of the week – a 16-page colour supplement with loads of nude pix.

MINISTER GOES CAR-AZY
It’s been confirmed that an Irish Government Minister’s car is to appear on MTV’s Pimp My Ride. The Mercedes S Class, belonging to the Department of Transport, is set for a radical makeover in preparation for the show – but at the taxpayers’ expense. Defending the decision Minister Martin Cullen said that it was important for the government to show that it is in touch with the feelings of young people. “Besides I always wanted a big horn on my car,” he added.

Inside: new MTV spin-off starts today – Pimp My Bride, with host Britney Spears.

LOONEY TUNES
Songs Drive Woman Mad

A Galway woman in her twenties has been admitted to hospital suffering from ‘repetitive song syndrome’. RSS, as it’s more commonly known, is a disease, which results from over exposure to a particular song. The repetition of the tune results in the enlargement of a part of the brain – which, according to neurological experts, plunges the victim into a confused state, in which they continually hum the melody of the song unintentionally. It is believed that Natasha Bedingfield’s ‘These Words’ was responsible in this latest outbreak of the syndrome. “If we want to beat this epidemic before it starts, we may need to have mats at every airport for people to wipe their feet on,” the newly appointed Minister for Health, Mary Harney, commented last night. Local radio stations in the area were unavailable for comment although it is believed that the staff there have been suffering from the syndrome for years.

COURTEOUS LOVE
Controversial rock star Courtney Love has caused huge embarrassment to a U.S. network, after she reportedly gave what TV critics have described as a “normal” interview. Appearing on NBC’s Tonight With Jay Leno, the wife of the deceased superstar, former Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, spoke coherently, failed to take her clothes off and didn’t even attempt to give viewers a glimpse of her knickers. The FCC have promised to launch a full investigation.

Viewers Outraged Over Love “Act”
A special Hot Off The Press survey, carried out by Bad Behaviour And Even Worse Attitudes has revealed that viewers were furious that Courtney Love had not revealed enough of herself in the controversial interview. “How can she do this to her loyal fans?” one 18 year old in Idaho commented. “She has let her standards slip badly by not letting her bra strap slip.” 97% of respondents agreed with the proposition: Courtney Love Is A Big Disappointment. The singer was unavailable for comment.