Digimon: The Movie

This is easily the most eagerly-awaited film of all time - which is another way of saying we have been asked some 500 times when it would be coming out. For those of you unlucky enough not to have made its acquaintance, Digimon is a kids' animated TV show frequently dismissed as the inferior incestuous cousin of Pokemon, its primary rival in the merchandising stakes.

While Pokemon is much the more popular show, Digimon is vastly more intelligent and imaginative - a noxious exercise in marketing, perhaps, but it at least possesses some semblance of a storyline while its rival is little more than capitalism for beginners. The title stands for 'Digital Monsters', and the show is a Manga-style cartoon replete with adorable cuddly computer-generated creatures which magically 'digivolve' into ferocious monsters with supernatural powers.

The movie, it pains us to report, is an unimaginable travesty which makes Pokemon resemble Citizen Kane. It kicks off with the 'digi-destined' (that's the tech-obsessed Japanese kids who look after the 'good' Digimon) letting their monsters loose on the 'evil' Digimon. The battle then rages on while the rest of Japan barely notices (obviously suffering from mass Godzilla-fatigue syndrome).

To our utter amazement, the good Digimon triumph - but soon the world is threatened with a global telecommunications shutdown which only the digi-destined can prevent. The shutdown strikes terror into the hearts of all concerned, since not only will the Japanese kids be deprived of their precious techno-toys, but the USA have warheads headed straight for Japan (Who said Pearl Harbour was forgotten?)

Early on, it's hard to find too much fault with the thing: the film does a fairly good job of representing a battle over the Internet. However, even genuine fans will be distressed by what follows, as the digi-destined are calculatingly replaced halfway through by a new cast. This renders the plot utterly impenetrable, but hey, it opens up a lucrative new line in merchandise, right?

OK, Digimon at its worst never becomes as earnest or sentimental as Pokemon, preferring to take the piss out of its monster cast ('They have a lot of issues') and its own inherent ludicrousness. But there's no forgiving an exercise as cynical as this one. To quote Fox's press release: 'Marketing efforts should capitalise on the wild popularity of Japanese animation, playing cards, and monsters. Leverage the strengths of the Digimon franchise to target the existing fan base.' (!!!)