We need all the fantastic wisdom we can get, to find a way out of coronavirus lockdown. So who better to turn to than Artemis Fowl himself?
Yep, even though he's busy preparing for Disney+'s June 12 premiering of the Artemis Fowl movie, the 12-year-old genius has found time to address the Young People of Ireland and beyond from the family villa in Dalkey, which disappeared recently.
"The Fowl abode cannot be seen with the naked eye as I have been forced to drop a camouflage shield over the entire building to dissuade the gawkers, one fellow in particular who is forever hanging around the forty-foot dragging his Supervalu bag behind him," he explains. "One hears that the lout is some class of a movie star, but he does have, to use the vernacular, a big Wexford head on him."
Having solved that mystery, the esteemed Artemis Fowl II expresses solidarity with those who won't be getting to see Kendrick, Tyler and A$AP Rocky in July.
"This pandemic was patently none of our doing and yet we are the ones who will pay the price," he rues. "Graduations are cancelled, exams are postponed and our one haven where no mature adult would dare venture is written off. I am, of course, talking about Longitude, which is forbidden to grown-ups. Though I did hear reports of a certain Ross O’Carroll Kelly stumbling around Marlay Park asking passers-by whether or not they had seen his ‘Doobs’."
He also has a ten-point plan to drive parents demented, two of which are: "Conceal drinks containers behind various cushions throughout the house" and "Ask
virus-related questions such as, 'Is it alright to lick door handles?'"
We can hear the folks screaming in anguish now...
He has loads more to tell you in the new Double Cover Special Issue of Hot Press, out on Thursday May 21 with The 1975 and Gerry Cinnamon sharing top billing. If you can't get out to buy it, fear not, you can order online from below.