Sleeping With The Enemy

Last week I learnt that someone I know is a Trump fan. We’re friendly, if not exactly friends, but nothing in our year-long acquaintanceship would have led me to suspect he was fond of the USA’s xenophobic, pussy-grabbing, Cheeto-in-Chief. People are full of surprises – sometimes disconcertingly so.

Most of us want and need our friends and loved ones to share our political and ideological beliefs. As a result, we tend to surround ourselves with people who have similar values. This can mean isolating yourself from dissenting — or disgusting — opinion. As a result, our conversations and social media feeds may act as a hall of mirrors, reflecting our beliefs back at us, giving us the false sense that others think, feel and act as we do.

Differing political opinions can split couples and families. During the Marriage Equality referendum, I spoke to a number of people who were no longer talking to family members who were determined to vote No.

America’s political climate has long been divisive, but no election was more antagonistic that the 2016 one. There have been numerous articles about families and couples that have fallen out over the election, and a 73 year old woman made the news when she announced she was divorcing her husband of twenty-two years after he voted for Trump.

The cliché warns that you should never discuss politics or religion in polite company. That’s probably a good rule for dealing with extended family, work colleagues, neighbours and friends of friends. But it is a lot harder to shut up when these people are actively voting to restrict your rights.

Sex with racists
But what about dating and hookups? How important is it to you that a partner shares your political views? Sexual attraction does not necessarily respect ideological bounds — and if it is only for the weekend, instead of for keeps, does it matter? Could you, would you, sleep with the enemy?

The night I met my partner we talked about feminism, the 8th Amendment, transphobia, men’s rights activists and our mutual love of whiskey. It wasn’t a test. I wasn’t sounding out his views before flirting with him — it just happened. This is not exactly the conversation I would recommend to stoke the sexual chemistry, but surprisingly it worked. By the time we had our first date, I knew we were ideologically aligned. The unresolved issue was the merits of Irish pot still whiskey versus Scottish single malt. Contentious indeed!

This hasn’t always been the case. I haven’t made it a habit of sounding out political positions before agreeing to pints. Sometimes I wonder if this has been a mistake. Maybe a checklist would have saved me a whole lot of trouble, not to mention arguments.

On more than one occasion I have found myself on a date with a racist. On the plus side, they have always outed themselves pretty quickly. Given that I am a white girl from the arse end of Africa, racists expect me to share their views. But having grown up with a mixed bag of friends, I learnt pretty quickly that skin colour won’t tell you jack about a person’s level of intelligence, capacity for kindness or willingness to share their sandwiches.

I wouldn’t knowingly date or have sex with racists, homophobes, anti-Semites, Islamophobes, misogynists, transphobes, or people who don’t like dogs. Seriously, I would rather spend my time alone with Netflix and books. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t done it unwittingly. I am not saying that I have — but there is a good chance I don’t know.

Royalist kook
I once spent nearly six months dating a dude who was a conspiracy nut, but he kept it well hidden for most of that time. One night he told me that the moon was a man-made structure and that drinking gold could give you super brain powers. I paid for dinner and then politely dumped him. I’m nice like that!

On other occasions I have been out with people whose beliefs, while not mad, were so just completely at odds with my own that a second date didn’t seem warranted.

There was the dude from Norn Iron who was really keen on the royal family – so much so that he often posted about them on Facebook, including updates about Prince Philip’s health. That’s kinda weird, isn’t it? Maybe it’s just me…

Then there was the practising Catholic who went to church every Sunday with his mammy. Anyone who believes in the infallibility of the pope, but not contraception, just isn’t a good match for me. After all, I am a birth control pill-popping atheist. Not only were we not on the same page — we weren’t going to the same library.

If you have read this far down, you may think that I sound like the worst kind of picky bitch — a fastidious social justice warrior who wants all her dates to be as ideologically pure as the driven snow. I’m not really. It’s not disagreeing with someone that’s the problem, at least not always — it’s when you find out that counts.

If you care about someone, you are a lot more likely to forgive their foibles. Jane or Dick may still be a moon-doubting dunce or a royalist kook — but you’ll see these qualities as charming eccentricities. At least while the sex is good… Most men and women can ignore or wilfully overlook a whole range of sins for great sex.

I honestly am quite forgiving. Or maybe I’m not and that’s a quality my partner has to overlook. But either way, I forgive him every single day although he persistently refuses to be anything other than Australian. That makes him the sworn enemy of my people on the rugby pitch and cricket oval. I overlook this. But as a South African, I truly am sleeping with the enemy.