Whatever you do, don’t mention Van Halen, Stuart Clark was warned. But he did and David Lee Roth didn’t back down. Seconds out!

* * * *

My trusty tape machine wasn’t running at the time, but the gist of the conversation I had with David Lee Roth’s PR person was this…

THEM: He won’t discuss Van Halen.

ME: Is that because he knocked himself out last year with a kung-fu staff and can’t remember anything?

THEM: He prefers to focus on the here and now.

ME: But isn’t that like me interviewing David Beckham and not mentioning Manchester United?

THEM: I’m just warning you that if you mention Van Halen he’s likely to slam down the phone, jump on a plane and come looking for you with a length of lead piping.

Okay, I’m paraphrasing slightly, but I was left in no doubt that too muck talk about his cock rock past and Diamond Dave, now 47, will get very cross. What they don’t realise is that being thwacked on the head with a blunt instrument is infinitely preferable to what Mr. Stokes, sir will do to me if I don’t delve into the fractious nature of his relationship with his former employers.

So, Dave, seen Eddie recently?

“At this point I think Eddie Van Halen may be headed down the Axl Rose turnpike, turning north onto the Bruce Wilson highway… ‘stop it before you hurt yourself’ is my only recommendation,” he laughs down the transatlantic blower from little old Pasadena. “I sing the hell out of those (Van Halen) songs for a damn good living now. I believe that unless Eddie catches up soon he’s headed for some sort of spiritual oblivion. Think of it like this – the London Philharmonic is actually a Tchaikovsky tribute act. Tchaikovsky has been gone for a very long time and most the rhythm section are dead too. So why do we keep going to see the orchestra play his greatest hits and buying the t-shirts? Because an inspired instrumentalist can not only reinvigorate the music but take it beyond where you found it. The one thing that you cannot ever replace is a human voice and the larcenist personality that drives this one. So, if you grew up to this music or threw up to this music, you kinda got to hear it here. You’re not going to have the same high from Sam Hagar singing it. The Van Halen brothers haven’t performed as a band for five years now – this music is not like riding a bicycle, it’s like bicycle racing and that you do not just pick up again at any time.”

So much for not wanting to talk about his alma mater!

While Alex and Eddie stay at home nights counting their money, their former lead singer feels he’s slacking if he doesn’t spend a minimum six months a year on the road. Some of the gigs don’t always go according to plan, though, with Roth requiring 21 stitches to the face last September after an on-stage manoeuvre in Philadelphia went horribly wrong.

“I hit myself in the skull while doing a kung-fu routine with a six foot staff, which is okay because rock ’n’ roll’s supposed to be a contact sport,” he cackles again. “I went into complete Worldwide Wrestling Federation mode – your heart rate’s going, the adrenaline’s up, you can’t feel anything. A really good doctor sewed me up so it’s all systems go, go, go again!”

Time being our enemy, let’s pop David up on to the psychiatrist’s couch and try a little word association:

Viagra? “There’s porno in every single hotel room in the civilised earth, and then some. We’re talking good stuff, not all that Vaseline on the lens Playboy nonsense. If I need a little help, I just reach for the tube.”

The Darkness? “I own Permission To Land and I applaud. The imitation in this case is extremely flattering.”

David Lee Roth, still crazy from the heat and still a diamond geezer!