Female Icon

OK, so we know that Lara Croft is the star of the Tomb Raider computer games and that she’s not actually a real person, but she is impersonated here by model Rhona Mitra, with the aid of Eurythmic Dave Stewart.

The music veers between extremely domesticated house and full on guitars-and-beats, a la a substandard Garbage. ‘Getting Naked’ is surely a tad risque for pubescent gamers, with Lara/Rhona explaining to would-be lotharios, “I know you want to be my lover, boy/ But I’ve got so many things going on”. It must be hard to maintain a normal, lasting relationship when you spend your days breaking and entering into ancient sarcophagi, alright! The worst offender though, is the truly abominable ‘Feel Myself’: stream of consciousness bullshit, augmented by a gospel makeover on the chorus, which will send shudders down the spine any self-respecting music fan.

It’s a pity this is so bad, because on tracks like the more subdued ‘Rhythm And Time’, the up-for-it ‘Really Real’ and poppy ‘Come Alive’, Rhona proves that her voice is actually half decent. It’s just that she needs far stronger material than this nonsense.

A computer generated sex symbol for the proverbial spotty teens (of all ages) Lara should have been confined to her world of dangerous beasts and noble quests. And at his age, Dave Stewart should know better.