Album Review: Smalls Change (Meditations Upon Ageing), Derek Smalls

The phone rings in the middle of the night, an international number, possibly Latin American.
“It’s not easy being an ageing rocker, and you know that I know what I’m talking about. There was a time when I’d hoover up half of Bolivia, drink seven bottles of vodka and “steer” a gaggle of chicks, and possibly dudes, heavenward at the same time, and that was a Tuesday morning.”
“Jesus Christ, Mr Snort, it’s the middle of the night!”
“Shut your mouth Carty, write this down. No, it’s not easy, but my old pal and cucumber fan Derek has carved a guide - no, scratch that, a philosophy - that can light the way. Is Bertrand Russell still alive? he should hear this”
“I think he’s dead, Sam...”
“Don’t interrupt me, or use my first name! ‘Memo To Willie’ is a lament for a pecker that no longer engorges on demand, recorded with my fellow fine Columbian enthusiast, Donald Fagen. Do you know where the name Steely Dan comes from, ‘cause I’ll..”
“Sir, the review, please.”
“Okay, ‘Hell Toupee’ is a treatise on the devil’s tonsorial tide going out, something Snort need never worry about, thanks to a daily wash in Mama Roux’s Papa Legba Extract. ‘Gummin’ The Gash’ should be self explanatory. My old drinking buddy Lemmy once gave me a special award for my services in that regard. Now that I think of it, why haven't I heard from Lemmy?"
"I think he's dead too, Mr Snort. But please go on, the deadline is looming."

"Oh shit. Poor Lemmy. Anyhow, as I was saying, before you rudely interrupted me, ‘She Puts The Bitch In Obituary’ might have been written for the first, or the seventh, Mrs Snort, and ‘When Men Did Rock’ recalls a simpler age of spandex, that you’re probably too young to remember”
“Mr Snort, I’m forty-six”
“What? How do you stay looking so young?
“I usually get a full night’s sleep, and I only take a drink at funerals. What about the music?”
“Oh, it’s fucking atrocious, L.A. studio ‘rawk’ of the brownest hue, Steve Vai’s on it for Christ’s sake, but that’s probably the point, it would have made a better documentary. Hold on. Where the fuck have you been, Ernesto? Gimme that bag!”

Rating: 5/10
The line goes dead.