Welcome truth seekers! Cross my palm with silver and I’ll tell you the future... or at very least, enlighten you as to what the hottest sex trends of 2015 are going to be. Sex futurology is not a science, but sex is influenced by social and technological changes, which can indeed be mapped and predicted. I may not be able to tell you if you’ll meet a handsome stranger, take a long journey, or expound on how the movements of the stars will affect Aries’ fortunes this coming year, but I can take a pretty good stab at what the big sex themes will be in 2015 — and how they might affect the delightful act of having sex — and lots of it! Here we go...
SIT ON MY FACE AND TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME...
Last December the UK banned a whole range of rather innocuous sex acts from online and streaming porn. These included face sitting, female ejaculation, physical restraint and spanking. Protestors took to the streets outside the Palace of Westminster arguing that the law was sexist, since many of the banned acts related to female pleasure and dominatrix-focused porn. Why outlaw these?
In 2008, the UK banned what it called “extreme pornography.” This law made it illegal to possess adult material that included anything that threatened a person’s life; was likely to cause serious injury to a person’s anus, breasts or genitals; as well as necrophilia and sex with animals, whether real or simulated. Although there were objections to the 2008 law — either as unworkable or because of the lack of evidence that here is any link at all between extreme porn and real world violence — few people were incensed that porn with corpses was no longer allowed.
Face sitting, ejaculation and BDSM are another matter entirely. These are a part of many people’s sex lives and relationships — and if this is not already so, in 2015 they surely will be, since the ban has lent them the extra frisson of taboo. Well done, Mr. Cameron...
You might just be able to argue that some of the banned acts, such as fisting, strangulation and aggressive whipping might just cause harm if attempted by ‘amateurs’ at home — but banning face-sitting is a whole new level of whatthefuckery. After all, it’s just oral sex in a somewhat difficult position. And what about the venerable 69, in which mutual oral stimulation, including some tasty face-sitting, is provided? Face sitting will be the most popular way to have oral sex in 2015 — if it is not already part of your repertoire, now is the time to add it. You’ll want to be on trend, won’t you? Ideally, you need strong thighs to do this for any length of time, but you can cheat by holding onto your headboard or kneeling instead of squatting. Easy and fun!
FIFTY SHADES MANIA 2.0
BDSM was always going to be on the agenda in 2015 because the much anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey film is due to be released on Valentine’s Day — after all, nothing says, “I love you” like a red room of pain. However, with the recent UK ban on spanking, caning, physical restraint, aggressive whipping and consensual “physical abuse”, BDSM — and its practices and power relations — is going to dominate, for want of a better word, the media for the first half of the year. Bizarrely enough, the ban means that British viewers will be able to see Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson engage in BDSM acts on the big screen, which are illegal to stream at home. Go figure!
In the wake of the film and the op- eds, you can expect to see hundreds of articles about BDSM for beginners as well as explanations of how the film (and book) differs from real BDSM relationships. Corsets and latex will make a comeback on the runways and, at the lower end of the fashion scale, adult retailers will attempt to cash-in with an array of BDSM-themed outfits, as well as starter kits for curious newbies. If you’ve never engaged in BDSM before, 2015 will be the year you feel you really ought to try it, to see what all the fuss is about.
Like the book, the Fifty Shades film and the discussion around BDSM will also give rise to plenty of talk about female sexuality, in particular female sexual pleasure. Since it was largely female readers who drove the book’s phenomenal sales, it is a female audience that has largely been courted by the film’s producers. A great deal of the promotional material bypasses Dakota Johnson and focuses firmly on Jamie Dornan. It’s a pity that he has been defuzzed for the film, losing his gorgeous chestnut beard in favour of a look that is more overgrown fratboy. Nevertheless, questions will be asked: What do women want? Do we all secretly hanker after a dominant man?
“Every woman adores a Fascist,” Sylvia Plath wrote. “The boot in the face, the brute/ Brute heart of a brute like you.” Is that really it? Not in my world, but you can expect the manosphere to be alive with this topic as well, with sites like A Voice For Men and Return of Kings opining that yup, all women are naturally passive and respond to a firm hand — but then this merry band of gender warriors is rarely good at distinguishing between fantasy (where a firm hand can indeed be a turn-on) and reality, or realising that enjoying dominance in the bedroom doesn’t mean you want it in the sitting room and the kitchen as well.
Still, having female sexual pleasure front and centre stage can only be a good thing. Despite massive changes in society and technology, female sexual pleasure is often skirted around when we discuss topics like the popularity of online porn or the prevalence of hook-up culture. It’s past time for that to change.
THE FUTURE’S SO BRIGHT, I GOTTA WEAR A SMART WATCH
CES, the Consumer Electronics Show, is one of the biggest, most important showcases for new technology. At this January’s CES, sex toy manufacturer OhMiBod unveiled a really exciting and innovative new product. As you may know, OhMiBod was the first company to pair a vibrator with an iPod, allowing users to get off to the rhythms of their favourite tunes. This year they will be releasing an app to control their devices via a smart watch — so far, so 2015.
But what’s really clever is that the app hosts biofeedback functionality to track your enjoyment by monitoring your vital signs. OhMiBod has also updated and improved their wireless control functionality, which means the new app will allow for biometric driven vibration patterns and changes. Essentially, your vibrator will be able to tell what vibration patterns you enjoy best and determine the speed and intensity of these depending on your body’s reactions. Clever!
SAME SEX, DIFFERENT RULES
The big news on the home front will be the referendum on marriage equality due to be held in May 2015. According to the latest poll results, 71 percent of Irish people will vote in favour of extending civil marriage to our LGBT citizens, so it looks like a win for the Yes side is on the cards, but there is no way that anyone can afford to be complacent. Marriage equality has been one of the most prominent human rights issues of the last ten years, both here and across much of the world. In the months leading up to the referendum the public discourse is likely to get vitriolic — mostly from those in the anti-equality camp. Accusations will fly; attempts will be made to conflate homosexuality and paedophilia; and Bible verses will be trotted out as an apologia for homophobia.
If you’re not registered to vote, sort it out — and vote for marriage equality. We have one shot at this. Let’s not make a hash of it.
2015 is set to be the year of women and “the gays.” Our rights, pleasures, freedoms and desires will dominate discussions about sex and sexuality over the next twelve months. If you’re a straight male, this may seem unfair, but don’t worry — the Victoria’s Secret Angels aren’t going anywhere; most porn will still be made for your viewing pleasure; and Kate Upton is sure to fall out of her bikini repeatedly. The world is still your oyster — just not exclusively.