A team of American sex researchers recently claimed there is a “golden trio” to bring a woman to orgasm — oral sex, genital stimulation and deep kissing. Super! There are only three problems with this: lots of women don’t like oral sex; others aren’t keen on fingering; and some don’t like kissing.
The first two I can understand, although I respectfully disagree. There are plenty — too many — negative messages about female genitalia floating around from both religion and culture. We are told that the female sex organs are sinful, smelly, that the labia may be too long or fleshy, that the clitoris is too big or not big enough, that the whole package is too hairy, or — brace yourselves — too moist.
Given all of this negative pre-conditioning, it is hardly surprising that some women are less than ecstatic about oral sex. It is hard to enjoy a loved one getting up close and personal if you believe – bizarrely – your pussy is unpleasant at best, a toxic swamp at worst.
Then there are the women who have had bad or lacklustre experiences of oral sex. Oral sex done inexpertly is fine, I guess, but – it might be said, nothing to get excited about. And if a woman has never had a lover who actually knew what he or she was doing, then I don’t blame her for being less than willing.
Genital stimulation, or fingering, presents problems too. The first experience of this, that most vagina-having humans have, is as teenagers. Quite frequently — unless they are very lucky or lesbian — their partner is an equally inexperienced teenage boy. Their enthusiasm is in inverse proportion to their skill, bless them! This means that, for the most part, a woman’s introduction to genital stimulation is not eherm… particularly stimulating. Often it’s painful, uncomfortable and unpleasant. That can be enough to scar anyone — emotionally if not physically — for life.
There are also issues such as grooming and hygiene to consider. No woman wants a man coming close to her lady parts with raggedy or dirty nails. And FFS, it’s 2017. File and buff your nails, dudes! Then there are the ambitious men who treat the vagina as if it were carry on luggage. Just because you may, with a bit of a lick, squeeze another t-shirt and a pair of jeans in your bag, doesn’t mean you should.
ROMANTIC SEXUAL KISSING
While I am a fan of both oral sex and genital stimulation, done correctly, I sympathise with women who are not. You need the firm voice and the no-nonsense approach of a traffic cop to deal with a less than skillful sexual partner. But not every woman is comfortable telling her amoureux what she would like. After all, our culture tells women they should not be sexually forward or demanding either. For many women, it seems it’s preferable to say “no thanks” without having to elaborate.
Of course not every woman who dislikes oral sex or genital stimulation feels this way because of shame or bad experiences. Some women don’t like them because, well, they just don’t like them. That’s fair enough too.
I say that…but kissing? Who the hell doesn’t like kissing? As it turns out, lots of people either don’t like it or don’t do it.
A 2015 study examined “romantic-sexual kissing” across 168 different cultures. They found that deep kissing is not anything like universal human behaviour. In fact, romantic-sexual kissing occurs only in a minority of places — only 46 percent of cultures do.
Was I surprised to learn this? Hell yes I was! But according to the study authors, that’s my that’s “Western ethnocentrism” showing — “the belief that a behavior currently deemed pleasurable must be a human universal.”
Depending on where you are in the world, public kissing may be accepted or taboo. In some conservative cultures, public displays of affection, particularly if these have a sexual component is illegal. However, these people are still happy to smack lips in private.
Take this for an example: In the Middle East, deep kissing was present in 100 percent of all the cultures the study examined. However, the same was true of only 70 percent of European cultures. This doesn’t necessarily mean that 30 percent of European cultures don’t kiss, merely that ethnographers working in these cultures have never witnessed it or have been told it does not occur.
PASSPORT TO ECSTASY
That doesn’t make it so. After all, many fundamental Christian leaders in Africa claim that homosexuality is a Western import and not a natural part of their society. This, of course, is dangerous, bigoted and plain old wrong. Uganda has some of the world’s most extreme anti-LGBT legislation and a bisexual former king. King Mwanga II of Buganda — part of modern day Uganda — had sixteen wives but openly consorted with male paramours too.
Still, you don’t have to be from a culture where kissing is not common to dislike it. A quick Google will inform you that some people don’t like the feeling of a tongue in their mouths; others don’t like the idea of saliva; a few find the whole thing simply boring.
I don’t pretend to understand any of this, because I freaking love kissing. It is, if not better than sex, at least on a par with it. I can happily enjoy kissing without sex, but I would not generally be interested in sex without kissing.
These people exist. I have to accept that. But thankfully, I have not had to accept it in my own sex life.
Some people don’t like eating a whole tub of hummus, listening to Young Fathers, sipping on a glass of single malt or chatting to random dogs — all things I enjoy. It is a mature man or woman who accepts that we all like different things.
What this means is that despite what well-meaning researchers might tell you, the “golden trio” may not be the passport to ecstasy for your female partner. Instead of working to any formula, you need to pay attention to what she says she likes and to her physical reactions. It’s not as easy as a triad of moves, but it is a lot more successful than a one-size-fits-all approach. We’re all different. That’s the beauty of life.