Summer - the blockbusters start here

Grindhouse may have been pulled from the summer release schedules, but that’s no reason to panic. Fanboys and girls can still take comfort in Tales From Earthsea, the new Studio Ghibli release, and Black Snake Moan, an odd blaxploitative redemption fable starring Sam Jackson. Less imaginative cinema-goers are set to be rewarded with a shrewdness of threequels. Shrek The Third, Rush Hour 3, Ocean’s Thirteen, Pirates Of The Caribbean; At World’s End and The Bourne Ultimatum will all be doing their bit for their respective franchises. If it works out you can bet the farm that 2008/9 will be the season of quadrilogies. In the meantime, these titles should keep us busy until September or thereabouts...

THE SIMPSONS
No, we have no idea what it’s about. In fact, current internet gossip suggests that none of the footage in the trailers will actually make the final film. But as loyalists – yes, even when it comes to season 17 – we’re giddy with excitement. Besides, season 18 is a return to form. Now let’s all have a mass psychic moment – “It has to be great. It has to be great…” July 27

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
In recent months Daniel Radcliffe has been determined to show us his bottom by way of his West End turn in Equus. Can we possibly recover before the fifth book – the one where he sits his OWL exams and someone minor dies – hits our screens? There are more reasons to be fearful. Seasoned filmmakers such as Mike Newell and Alfonso Cuarón have already done their duties, so will David Yates, a relatively inexperienced director, stand up to Ms. Rowling and make a coherent film out of one of the messier episodes? More militant Potterites continue to grumble over the unavailability of regular screenwriter Steve Kloves and what they view as the emasculation of Dumbledore. They’ll still queue around the block come high season. July 13

TRANSFORMERS
We’ve seen 30 minutes and it looks like the greatest Michael Bay movie ever made! The bit when Shia LeBeouf, star of A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints and the next Indiana Jones movie, has to hide giant robots in his garden is priceless. July 27

BLACK SNAKE MOAN
Named for a filthy 1927 blues ditty by Blind Lemon Jefferson, Craig Hustle And Flow Brewer’s southern fried drama is being promoted with a blaxploit-tastic poster featuring Sam Jackson with Christina Ricci on a 40-pound chain. Can a movie possibly live up to such depraved promise? Encouragingly, the loveable potty-mouth Kevin Smith has declared it his favourite 2007 release, but behind the lurid dog-and-pony-show is a tale of Christian redemption. Sam is the God-fearing bluesman who has seen it all. Ms. Ricci is the white trash loser who has done them all (including Justin Timberlake, who essays her worthless boyfriend). A tender and unlikely friendship ensues. So far, the American critical fraternity doesn’t know what to make of it. That can only be a good omen. May 18

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
Bang! Crash! Conspiracy guff! When Robert Ludlum first adapted his best-known fictional creation for a TV movie in 1988, hardly anyone noticed. Four years later and the author’s screenplay of the same book would, in the hands of director Doug Liman, become the biggest thing since lollipops. Moodier and more self-contained than Bond, amnesiac Jason Bourne has since become the psychopathic loner of choice for boys everywhere. Happily, Paul Greengrass, the gritty thrill-maker behind The Bourne Supremacy and United 93 has returned for this, the third instalment of the franchise. But after his turn in The Good Shepherd, can star Matt Damon have any more blankness to give? August 17
HAIRSPRAY
Hmmm. A delightfully trashy John Waters film turned into a Tony award winning musical and then readapted for screen? Well, it can only be better than Rent and The Producers. John Travolta steps into some big stilettos when he essays Edna, a role made famous among weirdos and freaks by the awesome Divine. As nice girl Tracy (Nicole Blkonsky) takes on the snooty Amber Von Tussle (Brittany Snow) in a super-kitsch ‘60s dance show, check out a starry supporting cast including Michelle Pfeiffer, Jerry Stiller, Queen Latifah, Amanda Bynes and Christopher Walken. Fans of the original will undoubtedly be thrilled to learn of cameo appearances by Ricki Lake and Waters himself. July 20

DIE HARD 4.0
Having clocked up mileage in Alpha Dog, 16 Blocks and Sin City – we’ll draw a veil over the icky Perfect Strangers – Bruce Willis is on a hot streak. We don’t much care for the new title Live Free or Die Hard, so for the purposes of this preview we’re sticking with the infinitely preferable working title of Die Hard 4.0. In this eagerly anticipated reboot, John McClane takes on Kevin Smith’s interweb terrorist hackers and kicks some arse. Probably. Can Lethal Weapon 5 be far behind? It’s a retrosexual bonanza. Huzzah. July 4

EVAN ALMIGHTY
With a hefty $250 million budget, Evan Almighty is the most expensive comedy ever made. But if you’re going to visually represent all the power in the universe, you best put on a decent SFX show. When God (Morgan Freeman) tells a newly elected congressman (Steve Carrell) to build an ark, nobody is sure if it’s divine intervention or a mid-life crisis. Hilarity ensues. Jim Carrey refused to reprise his role from Bruce Almighty for this promising looking sequel so even before we’re seen it we’re willing to call it a miracle. Hallelujah. August 3

BRATZ: THE MOVIE
Ew. These vile plastic harlots have finally skanked their way into a cinema near you. We might have urged you to start queuing now for the shopping-themed antics of Cloe, Jade, Sasha, and Yasmin but judging by the plummeting prices of Bratz humvees, their reign of terror is already over. August 17

1408
Stephen King stories have inspired some super movies (The Shawshank Redemption, Carrie, The Shining) and lots of not-so-super ones (Hearts In Atlantis, The Lawnmower Man, nearly everything else…) 1408, the second short story in the audiobook collection Blood and Smoke is, like most of the writer’s work, about a writer. John Cusack is the non-believing scribe who, for research purposes, rents the infamous haunted hotel room of the title. You know the drill. Things quickly go bump in the night. August 24

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
Of all the terrible comic book adaptations inflicted upon unsuspecting cinema goers, Fantastic Four was something special. Any sequel is bound to suck less but we have some small hope that Rise Of The Silver Surfer will turns things around. Why? Well, d’uh. Because it’s got the Silver Surfer and the all-powerful, planet devouring Galactus, dummy. With shades of Vader, Doug Jones (Pan’s Labyrinth) will don the suit for the cosmic surfing superhero, while Lawrence Fishburne provides the vocals. Don’t let the muddled colour casting fool you. The rest of the returning cast – Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans – are t

TALES FROM EARTHSEA
Based on The Farthest Shore by Ursula K. Le Guin, if Studio Ghibli’s latest anime isn’t one of the films of the year, then pass the smelling salts. Although it’s directed by first-timer Goro Miyazaki (instead of Hayao his dad) expect more than a few echoes of Nausicaä Of The Valley Of The Wind as Ged, the wandering wizard, investigates the sudden appearance of dragons. August 3
otally white bread. June 15

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3: AT WORLD’S END
You can see how the Pirates franchise has grasped the entire planet by the special area. Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are attractive young things. Johnny Depp is charming and funny. Sadly, the larkish, popcorn façade seems to blind most demographics to the terrible truth. Put simply, these are not good pictures. You can always see the joins in the blue screen. Each part seems longer than Heimat. The plot, so far, is just a bunch of stuff happening in no particular order. Still, this one has Keith Richards, so we’re there no matter what. May 24

JOE STRUMMER: THE FUTURE IS UNWRITTEN
Julien Temple’s fond documentary portrait is bookended by The Clash powering through ‘White Riot’. Somehow the film contrives to maintain a similarly blistering pace over two hours of recollections, archive footage and live performance. Bono, Johnny Depp and John Cusack all turn up to pay their respects to the nice middle-class boy who became a socially conscious punk icon. May 18

LADY CHATTERLEY
Once dismissed by crown prosecutor Mervyn Griffith-Jones as the sort of book one would not “wish your wife or servants to read”, D.H. Lawrence’s naughty tome was banned in the UK until 1960. Less than three decades later, it was a novel we had to read at school and a BBC teatime drama. With approximately 91,100,000 porn sites just a click away, will anybody be interested in an upper class bird (Marina Hands) sneaking into the bushes with the gamekeeper (Jean-Louis Coulloc’h)? The French seem to think so. Director Pascale Ferran’s new Gallic version has already won Cesar Awards for Best Film, Actress and Writing. Ooh la la. August 31

LICENSE TO WED
Robin Williams stars as Father Frank, a priest determined to make a young couple’s marriage preparation course as testing as possible. Mandy Moore and John Krasinski (The Office, US version) are the unfortunate lovebirds. And unless this is a damned sight funnier than last year’s Williams’ vehicle R.V., we’ll be the unfortunate audience. August 17

THE HITCHER
Did we really need a remake of the cult horror film starring Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell and Jennifer Jason Lee? When a young couple pick up a dangerous psychopath in the desert, a deadly cat-and-mouse game ensues. But the killer is essayed by Sean Bean so they really should have known better. June 22

LUCKY YOU
Curtis Hanson’s poker drama has taken so long getting here that the brief and frightening reign of that game is now, like, totally over. Eric Bana is the hotshot trying to win a tournament in Las Vegas. But will he win in love? Expect lame metaphors about life and tables and cards. In accordance with the by-law that demands Drew Barrymore play the love interest in all of these things, Drew Barrymore plays the love-interest. June 22

MAGICIANS
We all love Peep Show, the super British sitcom, but will David Mitchell and Robert Webb cut it as rival magicians in a movie-film? We have high hopes, but you know how it is with British comedians making the transition to the big screen. It might be The League Of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse. It might be The Boys In Blue with Cannon and Ball. Ew. May 18

SCOTT WALKER: 30 CENTURY MAN
Stephen Kijak’s excellent documentary portrait of the reclusive genius features mesmerising footage of recording sessions for The Drift and appearances from David Bowie, Radiohead, Jarvis Cocker, Brian Eno, Damon Albarn, Marc Almond, Alison Goldfrapp, Sting, Johnny Marr, Ute Lemper and just about anyone you care to mention. June 1
RUSH HOUR 3
In the Second Summer Of Threequels, it’s hard to imagine anyone going gaga for this one. Following last year’s (only) tolerable X3, director Brett Ratner returns to the franchise that spawned him for more mildly amusing capering. This time around Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are visiting Paris when they get mixed up with Chinese Triads. Again. August 10

PRIMEVAL
You can’t beat a good creature feature though we make no promises for Primeval, in which a news team chase a 25-foot crocodile (that’s 7.23m for us normal people) around South Africa. At least the reptile won’t go hungry. June 8

ZODIAC
Based on Robert Graysmith’s two non-fiction books about the Zodiac Killer, director David Fincher’s overdue movie stars Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and Robert Downey Jr as obsessed investigators on the trail of the notorious serial killer. Though he terrorised the San Francisco Bay area during the ‘60s and insisted on leaving clues to tease the police, ‘The Zodiac’ was never caught. After remarkably extensive research, Mr. Fincher seems to think he’s figured it out. May 18

OCEAN’S THIRTEEN
Oops. Looks like Messrs. Clooney and Soderbergh’s rent is due again. When Elliot Gould is double-crossed by Al Pacino, it’s Danny Ocean (Gorgeous George) to the rescue. Also starring Brad Pitt, Celine Dion (!) and most of the world’s population. We hope it’s fun but as the sequel to a sequel to a ropey enough remake, we hope even more that it’s over. June 8