Melbourne is a long way from Ireland, but it’s worth the journey. With three million people stretched out over 60 miles, it’s a huge, sprawling, low-rise city. To get the vibe, rent the Channel 4 series The Secret Life Of Us. It’ll show you that Melbourne is the hometown of Nick Cave as well as Kylie. This is the grooviest and artiest city in Australia, with real winters, cheap rent, old cars and beautiful sandy beaches.
In the old days it didn’t take much to get here – just steal a loaf of bread or strangle a sheep and you’d be on the next bride ship, taking your chances with a couple of hundred innocent men crammed below decks with only sea biscuits and the promise of seven years hard labour to keep you going. Ryanair didn’t fly to the southern hemisphere back then, but things have got a lot easier since.
Most flights arrive early in the morning. Forget taxis – too expensive (the airport is miles from the city centre). Take the fast and cheap bus into town and then – depending on what you’re after – either head for one of the hotels/hostels in the city centre near to the Vic Market, or go to St Kilda, the coolest area but also now one of the most touristy.
If you’re near the Vic Market, have a pint in the Drunken Poet on Peel Street – an Irish bar you can be proud of, with great music and readings every night. In St Kilda, on Acland and Barkly Street, you’ll find bars and second-hand clothes stores all over the place. Try Hunters and Gatherers for clothes. It’s also home to the most famous music venue in Melbourne, the Esplanade Hotel (though no one calls it this – it is ‘The Espy’).
While recording with Tim Finn and Liam O Maonlai, we would breakfast every day at 3pm in the Galleon on Carlisle Street. I would smoke while Liam swam naked in the bay (don’t ask) and Tim drove up and down Fitzroy Street in his black 1965 Zephyr. Check it out.
Everyone lives in a suburb in Australia. It’s not a derogatory word meaning the sticks. The inner city suburbs you must visit are Fitzroy and Carlton. Take a tram – they criss-cross the city and the old ones are the coolest. Go straight to Brunswick and Smith Streets and discover the essence of Melbourne. They’re full of cafés and second-hand stores.
The café culture comes from the Italians, who arrived after the Irish. Coffee houses are not over-priced, and the brew’s always good – they wouldn’t be open otherwise. Try the Black Cat on Brunswick Street. Up the road, the NSC is the latest cool small venue for bands. To find out what’s on all over the city, buy The Age On Friday with the EG entertainment supplement.
Melbourne’s fashion district is centred around Chapel Street. To see loads of great small shops in one block, just walk up and down Greville Street in Prahran. Try Quick Brown Fox for clothes, and the Greville Street Bookshop for books and other surprises.
You’ll have noticed Australia’s groovy new Prime Minister, Kevin. Well, he’s as groovy as you can be if you are both a politician and called Kevin. On the other hand, he has signed the Kyoto Protocol and said “Sorry” to the indigenous people here, who then held a welcoming ceremony for the white settlers. There’s an amazing collection of Aboriginal art at the NGV in Federation Square. Fed Square is like Temple Bar Square on steroids but a lot of fun. It’s the place to meet up and hang out doing what Australians most like to – drink beer while watching sport on a big screen.
Hidden in the Central Business District, beneath the surface, is a network of laneways. By day, you can discover tiny boutiques up staircases in old converted buildings and down grotty looking alleys. Start with Retro Star for vintage clothes in Flinders Lane.
By night, these laneways become an intricate network of bar and clubs, many the size of living rooms. Most stay open late. Meyers Place on the street of the same name is great. The Cherry Bar is where bands always seem to end up after shows, and is to be found in AC/ DC Lane (yes, you read that correctly).
Once you are tired of all this bohemian living, hire a car at Rent-a-Bomb (brings back memories for this Belfast boy) and take yourself to Ramsey Street, where you can be photographed in front of Mrs Mangle’s front door (Pinoak Court in Vermont South) and then go and see the amazing wildlife at Healesville Sanctuary.
Healesville is out of town, but totally worth it, with more cute animals than you can shake a eucalyptus stick at, and some scary ones too. Just make sure you don’t go at the same time as an American film star – last time I took someone, Nicholas Cage had had the whole place closed down so that he could commune with the koalas in private.

WHERE TO EAT:
Eat? Musicians don’t eat – it’s all about bananas, bagels and coffee. But if you make it to Healesville to see the wildlife sanctuary, go to the Healesville Hotel afterwards for a beautiful meal in this small town on the edge of the city. Underneath the gum trees, there’s good local beer and – as everywhere in Australia – great red wine worth investigating fully.
For a cheap place to eat, try Toto’s Pizza express in Carlton. A more expensive one is Caffe E Cucina on Chapel Street. Both are Italian so I’m happy!

TOP TIP FOR A DRINK:
If you’re near the Vic Market, have a pint in the Drunken Poet on Peel Street. An Irish bar you can be proud of, with great music and readings every night. In St Kilda, try the Dog’s Bar on Acland Street. Look out over towards the sea and tell yourself the next drink you will have will be in the bar at the very end of the pier. I’m not telling you what it’s called.

WHERE TO STAY:
In St Kilda, as a matter of tradition, all up-coming bands stay in the Cosmopolitan, a morning stagger from Melbourne’s best coffee in the Galleon Café. When your tour itinerary tells you you’re staying at the Prince of Wales Hotel as well as playing the venue, you’ll know you’ve arrived. The morning coffee will probably come to you.

GETTING THERE:
You can get to Melbourne from Dublin with Aer Lingus/Qantas Airways from a little over €1000.