Old Hayden's almanac

Step into our authentically-appointed gypsy caravan, then, and press a worn euro coin into our hands as we present Old Hayden’s Almanac, 2007 edition.

JANUARY
There’s uproar at the RDS when the winner of the first ever National Mime Championships refuses to make a thank-you speech... According to the latest census , there are 300,000 air guitarists in Ireland. 17% of them are believed to be left-handed... Temple Bar Properties claim that their Curved Street is not quite crooked enough to be named in honour of Charlie Haughey ... RTÉ announce that Brian Kennedy is to replace Miriam O’Callaghan on Prime Time... The language Bertie Ahern speaks is to be given official EU recognition, henceforward entitling the Taoiseach to several grants and 20% extra marks in exams... Following the successful adoption by Madonna of a boy from Malawi, Bono agrees to adopt the entire population of Kenya... Irish bishops demand that the age of consent for priests be reduced to 55 years of age... Ian Paisley storms out of Stormont after discovering that the revised restaurant menu features a dish called Turkey Ár Lá ... Former Fine Gael support act Twink moves into Grouse Lodge Studios to record her own version of Suede’s ‘Metal Mickey’... Following the GAA campaign to disassociate itself from Ireland’s drink culture, the licensed vintners retaliate by banning GAA matches from being viewed on pub television sets... Ireland sees the emergence of a new group of radical gay activists calling themselves The Pink Panthers ... In an effort to improve Ireland’s weather, RTÉ recruit a much happier bunch of weather forecasters ... After the British government refuses to extend the copyright on recordings , British artists go on strike and refuse to make any more records.

FEBRUARY
As competition in the financial sector intensifies, Irish banks are offering extra special discounts during this year’s bank loan sales... The latest budget reveals plans by the government to put a tax on air guitars , but, following protests from the musical instrument trade, the tax will apply only those imported from outside the EU... TV3 start a new Hector O Heochagain series as the follow up to Hanging With Hector. The new series will be called Hanging’s Too Good For Hector... Dave Fanning is appointed RTRs first ever Sculpture Correspondent... The EU has become so big it is suggested that a system of promotion and relegation should be introduced before any new countries are admitted... After yet another bad-tempered clash with Pat Rabbitte in the Dail, Bettie Ahern is ordered by An Ceann Comhairle to undertake a series of anger management classes... In the run-up to the election the Central Roads Authority announce that the new highway from Cork to Belfast will go through all of the 26 counties to provide photo opportunities for all Fianna Fail candidates... After the latest on-field outburst of violence during a Manchester United-Chelsea game, British police are empowered to make arrests for violent conduct during Premiership matches... A bunch of Ethiopian artists record a special single called ‘No, We Don’t Know It’s Christmas Because We’re Muslims, Bono’... The IRFU agree to send players on special re-training courses to cope with the Lansdowne Road pitch being played sideways. “It won’t affect us”, says a spokesman for the Scottish team, “We’ve been playing sideways for years.”

MARCH
Following Sinead O’Connor ’s suggestion that Ireland should change its name, the best suggestion to emerge so far is Sleeveenia ... The Irish band Ham Sandwich score a major sponsorship deal with Coleman’s Mustard ... RTÉ announce that Brian Kennedy is to replace Charlie Bird as the station’s main reporter...
Al-Jazeera TV has revealed that the first ever entry for Eurovision from Iraq with be a song sung by the married hippy duo Sunny and Shia . …The Minister for The Gaeltacht comes under pressure to provide funding for a new information super-boreen in the west... As his football management career career career collapses, Roy Keane quits the game to open a chain of prawn sandwich bars... According to Iarnrod Eireann’s new schedule, all Tuesday trains will in future run on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays... The Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny is to take the lead role in the remake of The Invisible Man tv series... Two runners have been found in the Dublin Port Tunnel , three months since they took part in the Dublin City Marathon ... Proncias Ferdinand, An tEdge agus Criostoir de Burca scoop the top prizes at the annual Raidio na Gaeltachta music awards.

APRIL
As the latest bribery scandal hits the newsstands, Irish politicians are now officially designated as part of the criminal classes... A new census reveals that there are now more Polish Catholics in Ireland than Irish Catholics... A 25-year-old student is suing the government for ageism on the basis that they only give Old Age Pensions to the elderly... The Irish band Ham Sandwich announces details of a series of gigs for vegetarians only... The Aer Lingus Young Scientist Of The Year award goes to a boy from Mullingar who has invented a battery which runs on batteries... The Catholic Church refuses to give in to pressure to introduce plenary indulgences for all passengers using Knock Airport in an effort to lift flagging business... The Kevin Myers Home for Single Mothers opens in Dundalk... Bertie Ahern scores a seven figure book deal. “I never knew there were so many figures,” explains a shocked former Minister For Finance ... As part of their decentralisation programme, the government is to move Ballymun to the middle Offaly ... Rescue teams set out to free motorists trapped on the M50 for six weeks, while helicopters drop food parcels... After a late protest from the supporters of King James , the Battle of The Boyne is declared a draw... A wealthy Albanian oil magnate offers to buy the Irish soccer team... Bryan McFadden joins the reformed Boyzone .

MAY
Reality television comes to rural Ireland with the launch of TG4’s Bog Brother... Musician Rossa O’Snodaigh is to take a break from Kila to co-star with Pat Shortt in a new RTÉ television series Kila-na-Skully... RTÉ announce that Brian Kennedy is to replace Bill O’Herlihy as the presenter for all football matches... Dyson vacuum cleaners are to sponsor Ireland’s first ever Dirty Old Town competition... Umpires at GAA matches are to be provided with protective clothing after a vicious row at a Wicklow football match which resulted in the deaths of three officials... With demand in the antiques market outstripping supply, the Government gives the go-ahead for a new antiques factory in the Gaeltacht... There’s uproar after bands who featured in last year's Hard Working Class Heroes event are spotted queuing for the dole... This week the Irish Daily Mail gives away free Blueshirts as part of a special reader promotion... U2 release another greatest hits package, their fourth this year... Brendan O’Connor , fresh from another triumphant series of You’re A Star, is appointed head of A&R for Disney Records in Hollywood... The Irish soccer team wins its first match at Croke Park , defeating Burkino Faso by two goals and five points to one goal and three points... The new Dublin Airport car park is to be located on the north side of Drogheda... Michael Flatley agrees to star in a spoof documentary about his career to date. It will be called Spinal Tap Dance.

JUNE
Sky News admits that the reason they lost Grainne Seoige to RTÉ was because they’d run out of new hairstyles for her... Vincent Browne announces plans to run for Fianna Fail in the next General Election... A former U2 employee is charged in the High Court with taking the piss out of Bono . As the star told the court, “This is my piss and I want it back"... A government fact-finding mission is deemed a failure after failing to find any facts. As Bertie Ahern told the Dail, “They went up every tree in London and still couldn’t find a single fact.”… TV3 introduces Stodge and Wodge , the station’s rival programme to RTRs Podge And Rodge... As the government threatens to introduce even more stringent libel laws , the main media in Ireland decide to ban all references to Irish politicians until the threat is lifted. …With too many cars now trying to use the M50 , a weekly lottery system is to be introduced, with Ronan Collins announcing the winners of those who will be allowed use the motorway during the coming week... Bord Gais is to sponsor a new annual music festival called the Acoustic Picnic for which all use of electricity will be banned... George Bush claims he has an exit strategy for the US troops in Iraq , it’s just that they can’t find the exit. Apparently, Donald Rumsfeld took the map with him when he resigned.

JULY
With Dublin now reputed to be the dearest city on the planet, long-stay visitors are being advised by Failte Ireland to bring their own sandwiches and a flask... The advent of high-definition television sparks a run on cosmetics, with politicians, priests, bishops and minor celebrities believed to be the main customers... RTÉ announce that Brian Kennedy (pictured) is to be their new horse racing commentator... Dave Fanning unveils details of his next compilation Dave Fanning’s Flab 50, containing tracks by the fattest artists of all time. It will be released on Dolphin’s new rock outlet, Whale Records... Podge and Rodge are invited to join the RTÉ Authority... Chris de Burgh sets up his healing clinic, intending to specialise in treating musicians who can’t get hit singles any more... A video of an Irish politician telling the truth becomes a massive international hit on YouTube ... Following the redrawing of constituency boundaries, some areas will have no representation at all in the next Dail ... The trials of George Bush and Tony Blair for war crimes begin in The Hague... After much intensive competition, John Rocca wins the lucrative contract from the Vatican for updating the redesign of the outfits priests and bishops wear in public... Songs in Irish are to get 20% added to their sales when their figures are calculated for inclusion in the Irish charts... A leading Irish psychic is arrested on fraud charges after failing to predict that he was going to be arrested.

AUGUST
The British government brings in new legislation to make it legal for scientists to carry out lab testing on animal rights protestors ... The United Nations Security Council approves a motion to send troops to the next Ireland-Australia Rules game at Croke Park... In a bid to reduce the unacceptable level of traffic on Irish roads, poll booths will now give generous discounts to cars with three or more passengers in them... The competition between free-sheet newspapers continues to intensify, with Metro now offering readers 50c with every copy... Mary Harney outlines her plans for a tax on air. “This government can no longer allow people to breathe free air, especially those who pay the lowest rate of income tax. That air should be kept for those in big business corporations who create jobs,” she tells Ray D’Arcy ... An Irish psychologist blames RTRs Crimeline for the shocking escalation in gangland killings. “People are committing the most horrendous murders just to get on the telly, whereas there was a time when a bit of petty larceny would have been enough,” he told Joe Duffy ... Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary plans to support the government’s war on obesity by charging passengers by weight.

SEPTEMBER
Podge and Rodge are given key posts in a Government re-shuffle. But Pat Rabbitte is unimpressed. “As far as I’m concerned, this was always a puppet government,” he tells Prime Time... Ronan Keating is in line to be the new Ombudsman. As he explains to Gerry Ryan , “Nobody knows better than me that life is a rollercoaster, baby”… Stella McCartney has agreed to design a new sweat-resistant t-shirt for Christy Moore ... Former British Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher is to be the first person to be awarded the General Pinochet Prize for keeping the world safe for murderous dictators. ... The latest Queen tribute band will be called Right Said Freddie ... The Irish singer Tommy Fleming plans to record his next albums in Fatima, Lourdes and Ballinspittle... Madonna adopts Donna and Joseph McCaul after seeing a re-run of their 2005 Eurovision performance... Pat Shortt scores a major hit single in France with his song ‘Petite Croissant Et Beurre Et Confiture’.

OCTOBER
TG4 introduce an innovative television series that does not require viewers to phone or text the programme, while Text And Drugs And Rock’n’Roll will be the title for TV3 ’s new cutting-edge music show … The new motor bike, brought in to replace ambulances which can’t get through the gridlock on Ireland’s roads, is to called a Harney-Davidson... Ham Sandwich release a lunchtime remix cover version of Pat Shortt’s ‘The Jumbo Breakfast Roll’... Pete Doherty’s Babyshambles outfit score a massive sponsorship deal from Babycham as part of a drive to give the brand a more cutting-edge image... Asked by Miriam O’Callaghan how he’s getting on with his book, Bertie Ahern says he plans to make a start as soon as he figures out what colours go with which numbers... In the European Media Awards, Sky News wins in this year’s category for Best Breaking Rumour... The reformed Boyzone hold nationwide auditions for a singer... A row breaks out in a bar after a wedding when the BCI announce plans to offer a radio license to a station serving the traveller community... The line-up for next year’s concert at Slane will be an all-puppet affair, with Podge and Rodge, Zig and Zag, Dustin, Bosco , the crew from Wanderly Wagon and headliner Big Tom.

NOVEMBER
Ryanair are to sponsor TV3’s new series of airplane disaster movies, although the company can’t promise they’ll go out on the right nights or start at the right times... The Dail passes a motion to ban all criticism of the USA in case it jeopardises St Patrick’s Day junkets to the White House... An Irish woman who was rejected by the Catholic Church for a post as a priest takes the case to the International Court of Human Rights... With genuine press releases getting lost under the avalanche of e-mails , music industry publicists return to sending out hard copies in the post... Following the death of Podge, his partner Rodge says he’s no alternative but to melt him down and make another one... Mickey Harte , the artist formerly known as Mickey Joe Harte , is to shorten his name again and will henceforth be known as Harte ... A man in Finglas is murdered after saying he believed that Islam is the second best religion in the world... Pink Floyd reform to stage a live performance of their major opus The Wall in Israel ... Names that Bob Geldof considered but rejected for his children are to be sold off to a major toothpaste manufacturer... Enya and Clannad reunite for a new album... Air downloads become increasingly popular. As one Irish enthusiast put it, “It’s part of the great tradition in the music business, getting a real kick out of paying money and getting nothing in return.” …

DECEMBER
In an effort to reduce the number of deaths on the roads during the Christmas period, cars will be banned from Christmas Eve until January 2... The campaign will be further supported by pubs , only one of which will open per day per town on a rota basis, just like chemists do at present... The star attraction this Christmas seems most likely to be the Celtic Woman On Ice show at the RDS ... Sinead O’Connor performs the official opening of the new Reggae Museum and Ganga Gardens at the recently renamed Bob Marley Park in South Dublin... Madonna launches her world tour of orphanages to try to hype flagging album sales in time for Christmas... Ice-T joins Snow Patrol for a new version of ‘White Christmas’... Damien Rice releases his new album called 8 with all the tracks numbered in reverse order... Music fans are delighted with the news that their tickets for the Electric Picnic can be added to their ESB bills... A new version of Guinness is believed to be at the trial stage. Unlike traditional Guinness, it will have the head at the bottom... The Dublin Port Tunnel closes after a series of fatal accidents. “Nobody could see the light at the end of it,” explains a spokesperson from the Mater Hospital emergency unit.